AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

This!

If you feel confident enough, I would stand up to your friend and say this.

It’s not the little girl’s fault at all, but no way would I be rewarding this behaviour (the mother’s) by elevating their status to “it’s a lovely surprise/bonus if they appear”. Friendships should be equal and not premised on one person deigning to bless the other with their inevitably belated appearance.

The other mum sounds like she’s insecure about her parenting (rightly so as it sounds bloody dreadful) and is being performatively ‘strict’ and domineering to re-assert power over her daughter and over other people, like you. A shame for her daughter but not your problem and not an ingredient for a helpful friendship for your daughter at this point, quite the opposite.

You can't control her parenting style, and she obviously is a "no play until work is done" type parent. It's an old fashioned approach, but if that's how they do tings, yes, she's every right to remain consistent in her messages to her daughter.

She can't contriol your parenting either, such as needing clarity and consistency in making arrangements. As a result, the girl can't be a reliable friend to your DD.

You can attempt to mitigate it through "we'll see X, but if that isn't going to happen our plan is Y," or you can decide not to bother with them at all.

I'm sorry your daughter was upset. It's horrible seeing them hurt.

FREE M!!!!!!!

You’re absolutely spot on: M’s parents really don’t care at all about anyone else’s children. It’s all about them, their children, their household, their choices, their values.

The 'work' always immediately preceding nice social events for M suggests that the mum essentially uses other children as rewards to make her daughter toe the line. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who thinks they can use people, especially children, in that way.

That mum sounds like a total wanker. We had one like this, she never respected either her own child or my needs, it was all about her need to control. Friendship fell apart when they hit adolescence because her child was not allowed to do anything or go anywhere, just academically pushed because of her own issues about not being very clever or successful . incredibly sad for both kids but in retrospect, I wish I’d put more energy into other friendships as well (although I really feel sorry for her kid and wouldn’t have given up our time with him for the world)

I have little doubt by the way that the other girl was unable to complete the work because she got so overwhelmed with her mums behaviour. That sort of heavy-handed aparenting is so counterproductive

I would be so tempted to send something along the lines of 'No, I don't understand that. Using my child to punish yours is teaching your daughter that bad manners are acceptable, so the consistency you offer her is centred on academic work at the expense of social and emotional development.'

But I probably wouldn't!

This is not about her mum being strict - they can do whatever they like in that family between themselves, sod them. This is about your poor dd waiting for the princess to announce whether she is coming or not. From own experience, the worst thing is waiting - not knowing what will happen, if it will happen, when it will happen. Not just for the kids, but for adults - waiting for a response to a proposal, a diagnosis, an exam result, a letter from uni saying yes/no, a response after an interview. Waiting anxiously is killing, when you have to check your Inbox, etc. I would drop that 'princess' immediately because the only thing that is teaching your dd is that she is not important, that her needs come second, that she has to wait for 'better people' to decide if they deign to give your daughter an audience or not. If I were you, I would get rid and explain in exactly the same words - no, real friends don't do that. Decent people don't arrange everything around THEIR needs, decent people would abhor the idea of letting others wait anxiously.

I'd say to the mum 'I understand where you are coming from, however my DD needs reliability, so if you can't commit to coming then I don't think we should arrange 1-1 play dates going forward.'

Agree with other poster
mum is strict at netting out punishments and “consistency “ but bugger all about actually ensure her dd does her school work or other chores at appropriate times.
talking the talk but not walking the walk.

i personally think social development is equally important at the sort of ages where mums still need to organise meet ups. And so therefore is teaching children manners, social expectations etc. that doesn’t include letting people down by not turning up to something unless there’s a medical or transport issue suddenly occurring. The mum should have used another lesson to teach her daughter about getting stuff done, rather than to punish multiple people and make them waste their time.

the fucking audacity of telling her daughter “now you’ve upset…” . No, mum it’s you and your inconsiderate punishments upsetting this girl.

id be questioning my friendship with such a self absorbed, rigid parent who has really grasped that parenting is about teaching, coaching and guiding and problem solving why her daughter keeps doing this. Fix the bloody problem - not keep dishing out punishments on repeat when they’re clearly not working 🤷🏼‍♀️🙄🤦‍♀️

Good on your friend for calling you out on this and good on you for reflecting and realising how this was impacting another child.

I am generally all for natural consequences in terms of discipline however, not when it involves letting down another child. I would never stop them from going to a party as punishment for example as I would feel so bad for the party child.

OP- what "work" is involved here? How does an 8 year old have hours and hours of work to do.

If I were you I would respond to her message and say "I understand that you need to parent as you see fit however, as it is having such a negative impact on my DD then unfortunately I wont be able to meet for play dates again. My priority is, and always will be, the emotional well being of you child!

If that child really wanted to meet yours she would have done her ‘work’

The mum sounds sanctimonious and uncaring towards your daughter.

I wouldn’t make any arrangements with them.

If they contact you for a play date then explain it can only be a visit to your house.

If they come it can be a surprise if not no loss.

That is actually not a bad reading of the situation.

The mum sounds like a bully, and one who doesn't prioritise her friendship with you or her daughter's friendship with your DD. It's tough as your daughter really likes her daughter. Perhaps you could try to limit meet ups to group meetings so that there's less pressure on them arriving/arriving on time? I would also focus on developing other friendships. It's hard when people let you down! Sorry OP.

My 6 year old is NT and couldn´t cope with this, it would upset her. I would cool this off. Anyway, that shitty message she sent you would be enough for me to send her and her priorities where the sun don´t shine.

But she still may end up disappointed if they don't leave home.

Next time, take DD swimming. If M turns up great! If she doesn't, you and DD have had a lovely time swimming and you'd DD is none the wiser that M's mum has bailed.

For what it's worth my DC aren't diagnosed autistic and we wouldn't be able to cope with a friend whose mum kept pulling this stunt.

If I'm brutally honest it sounds like M's Mum is a bit of a c*nt. Sadly may be best to let the friendship fizzle out. Hopefully you'll be able to find some new friends for your DD. Maybe neurodiverse ones who might be more on her level. Does she have any special interests you can get her involved with as a way to naturally make friends (with a bit of gentle help) ?

To be honest I'd be inclined to chat with Ms mum and just explain that you fully understand why things haven't worked out and that she's trying to keel her dd accountable and teach her to be responsible, but due to your dds needs for consistency and struggles with change, you wonder if there's a way you could work together to make sure that this doesn't happen again?

I think you need to cut your losses with this girl. I think it’s unlikely she’ll ever be a lovely friend. Her mother sounds controlling to the point of derangement (and I’m a big fan of discipline.) Poor kid.

Focus your efforts with developing other friendships.

I think you know that this mum doesn't see you as important and doesn't really want your friendship. That's a shame but it's fine. Focus your efforts on making new (maybe younger) friends for your daughter via activities and hobbies

now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work

There might be something in this. She presumably manages to get things done before all the other play dates she has.

Of course these people have an absolute cheek not turning up or arriving late. Don't make any arrangements with them in future. Its just setting your DD up to be disappointed. Sounds like the Mum doesn't really want those meetings,

You can't change how someone else parents, especially not a close friend or relative. Just treat this how you might treat flaky adult friends i.e. only invite her to group meet ups where it does not matter if they do not turn up. Or do it as - we will be at the pool at 2pm on Saturday if you want to join us. Do not change times or days to suit the other family, and do not wait for them. If they are going to eb late just say, oh that is a shame, we are going at 4pm, so might not see you. Do not tell your daughter her friend is coming.

By the way I wonder if you may be undiagnosed autistic as well? Because I think the mums message was saying they were not coming, not that they were coming later. But it was written in that vague English polite way that takes interpreting.

The other mum sounds incredibly intense!