AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

How friendly is your DD with M? Do they get along well? I'd usually say fuck the flakey friend off and move on, but given that your DD doesn't have many friends, and this Mum sounds absolutely bashit, I feel for M to be honest! Sounds like she is living a shit life.

Honestly she sounds ridiculously rigid, pompous and self absorbed.

I truely am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority

This just sounds completely over the top parenting for a child of that age. Also why the need to come across as such a dick?

She should have been clear with you that when she said 1.30 “wasn’t likely” what she actually meant was “we are unlikely to make it.”

I wouldn’t discourage the friendship but I would start to manage your DD’s expectations.

I think the mum sounds pretty rude and unreliable. I would let go of this friendship as I don’t see how this is a behaviour that will change. You could always try a last ditch attempt to talk about it with her so she understands how much it affects your daughter

In defence of the friend, she could desperately want to see her friend, but still not manage to get her work done. Ds has lost devices pretty much all weekend before now, just because he wouldn't/ couldn't complete a 30 minute tidying job. Granted, he's not letting anyone else down, but I'm not sure it's cos the friend didn't want to meet your dd.

But why punish another child in the process @YourWildAmberSloth?

That's just so mean spirited. Use another means of discipline instead.

Going against the grain here, but I understand where M's mum is coming from. She is responsible for parenting her child, and has clearly set ground rules and boundaries for her (possibly her other children too) which have consequences. Sometimes that will unfortunately mean that other children are disappointed as well as her own, but that's what happens with punishments. Perhaps she has tried other things and they simply haven't worked. It might mean that her daughter is invited less things in future as a result. If M is always going to playdates and parties, she clearly is able to follow the rules when she wants to. Is it possible that she (M) didn't want to go? If her friendship with your daughter is more a consequence of the parents being friends, sadly it might have run it's course. It's hard when our children struggle to make friends but I would probably focus on helping your daughter to build friendships outside of school and your own friendship circle. With regards this friend, I wouldn't end the friendship but I would manage your daughter's expectations - probably by not telling her about a meet up in advance. Her mum, might think it better not to arrange anything in case M acts up and she has to cancel.

Encourage your daughter to make friends with similar interests that she can see more often. Maybe an outside school club. You can’t control anyone else or what they do so all you can do is think how you can improve things for your own daughter.

I would drop her to be honest. It's a shame, but the mum is rude and happy to let you down.

Why do her "discussed repercussions" have to involve letting down and punishing your child too? She's bloody rude.
Instead she could do the swimming and say "No TV till you've done the work." God knows what work she means. Is it tutoring homework or something?

I have a friend with child who are quite flaky for one reason or another so I don't tell ds it's happening until it really is, or I caveat it with things like "they are hoping to meet us but...". The friendship is too valuable to me and to ds to cut them off. Also, we were 30 minutes late ourselves to something this morning due to a meltdown, so we can be equally as bad (even if I would much rather be punctual).

There is a chance that the mum was trying to warn you that the meet up was not going to happen but you went ahead anyway. I wouldn't have gone until they had texted that they were on their way. Just through experience.

Note: It is M's mum and not M. Just dont tell DD in advance of any dates!

The mum sounds really horrible and I would have absolutely nothing more to do with them I were in your situation.

I would also explain to DD that M’s mum has odd rules and punishments, and that she is the one who stopped the friend from coming, quite possibly because she herself couldn’t be arsed to take her DD swimming to just made up a punishment as an excuse.

Then tell her that you don’t like M’s mother because she is rude and unpleasant, so you won’t be arranging any more meet ups that need both parents there… then go out looking for some new friends for you both, focusing on only those who are kind, compassionate and respectful of others time and feelings. Honesty from you is important (I also have an autistic DD, and you need to get right to the point with this, and the upshot is that M is nice but her mum is a wanker and that’s a shame)

Model self-respect in front of your DD. Don’t ever give that woman your time again, she feels that you don’t matter and she has made that clear, show your DD what to do when someone treats you like that (you walk away)

I could have written this post 5 years ago. Almost identical situation. Oh, the heartbreak for my DD - it was sooooo sad! We limped along for another two years then gave up on it in the end. Secondary school turned out to be much better for mates. Hang in there. I'm so sorry, and feel your pain.

These sorts of people will always prioritise their need to look busy over you and your daughter.

With our flaky friends I always assume they’ll be late or a no show so I let them know what our plans are so they can join if they’re not too terribly busy or important that day 😅

Never plan your day around them, plan it despite them.

Does M actually want to meet up with your daughter do they actually get on. Sometimes mum friends children do drift apart

No doubt M’s mum feels very smug & superior about her “consistent” parenting but actually she is just very ill-mannered.

I’d explore local clubs etc to help DD to find like-minded friends and prioritise supporting any other friendships she has.

Exactly. I also enforce no going out before you've done your school work but not if there's a planned event or someoneis waiting for us...and to be fair to the kids if I'd seen effort was being made to do work it wouldn't matter if it was finished or not. You can pick it up again when you get back in. Yes you need to be consistent no we don't need to me thoughtless to others.

Would your DD cope with M turning up as a nice surprise? Or would she get upset that a plan for the day wasn't being followed even though she likes M?

If she wouldn't cope with seeing M being a nice surprise I'd just cool the friendship off, it's not going to work.

If she would be happy with M turning up unexpectedly I'd go down that route. Only arrange to do things with them you'd be happy to do on your own anyway. That way if they turn up it's a bonus, if they don't then you haven't lost anything.

I truely am sorry to disappoint her, but hope you can understand seeking to consistently parent my children, laying out clear expectations & following through on discussed repercussions, is and always will be my priority

Christ, she sounds like an absolute arsehole. Pompous cow.

It sounds like her expectations of her eight-year-old child are very OTT anyway - how much 'work' can a child that young actually need to do?! - and she's a selfish cow if she doesn't ever consider the impact of her daughter's punishments on other people.

If she's so determined to punish her child for not doing whatever work an eight-year-old needs to do in the school holidays, she could easily impose a punishment that doesn't fuck things up for everyone else.

My mum once did something like this to me. Or rather to my friend and her mum.
I was supposed to be going to theirs for tea, once I'd changed out of school uniform. But my mum was angry because my room was a mess, and said that I couldn't go until it was done. I said that they were expecting me at 4:15, but she wouldn't have any of it. It took an hour for her to decide that I could go. By the time I got there, the mum opened the door to me with surprise, and said they didn't think I was coming so my friend had eaten.

Bless her, she let me stay and made me something to eat, but it was horribly awkward, and it's something I've never forgotten. And that was nearly 60 years ago.

Poor M.

Yes, she needs to be consistent in her parenting but she also has a duty to be clear and consistent when she makes plans with other people. If somebody has the expectation that she will arrive at 1.30 she needs to follow through with that plan and arrive on time or at the very least communicate any issues in advance. Her priority should be not letting you down so not using that particular sanction for when her daughter doesn't do as she's told would be the reasonable thing to do.

She will consistently let you down, don't bother with her.

(It's Autism or ASD, some people prefer ASC too but it's not medically correct, now BTW, Asperger was a Nazi eugenicist who sent disabled children to death camps to experimented on and euthanised.)

M's Mum sounds like a controlling nutjob.

I didn't hang out with mums or dads whose parenting style was too unlike my own as it just caused stress if we ate crisps and they weren't allowed anything, or if they didn't come as a punishment. I'd leave the friendship behind, a bit sad but this mum isn't flexible and she isn't going to prioritise your dd's needs in the future, it's always going to be stressful and disappointing, I'd just move on.

I think M’s mum sounds like a total fucking bitch and absolutely toxic. For that reason alone I’d ditch them entirely.

What a horrible way to treat everyone. Poor bloody child.

It sounds like deep down you feel that the mum isn't that pushed about helping her daughter maintain the friendship with yours. It's a difficult situation as autistic people usually like to know about plans in advance, so it must be very disconcerting for your daughter to have this uncertainty.

The other mother sounds completely selfish and a bit obnoxious - she can parent as she wants of course, but why make your day and plans the victim of that? If she's taking a reward/punishment approach, she could use ice cream or something else rather than going for such high stakes and dragging other people's time and feelings into it. She's not exactly helping her DD's development as it's forcing her into thinking about whether or not she wants to spend time with your DD instead of making it all more relaxed.

I would find it difficult to be friends with someone who was so disrespectful of my time and my child. I know it's tricky if your DD likes this other child, but being disappointed like this is also going to have an impact that you need to protect her from.