AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

Bloody love this! 🤣

Christ she sounds like a total nutter! Her kids are gonna hate her.
Totally selfish behaviour, I would never use those consequences to punish my child as I know I couldn’t let other people down if I’d arranged to meet them particularly not someone else’s child. People like her are controlling and selfish. I hope your child knows M was upset that she couldn’t go, It’s a shame for your DD but do what you can to find other reliable friends for her. That mother needs some consequences for her actions towards others and no doubt her kids will give her them when they seriously rebel in their teens.
Maybe next time offer to pick up M and take her somewhere with your DD or back to your home for a play date without the nutter mother being invited and don’t tell your DD what is happening until she’s actually in the car. The mother may get the hint there is consequences to her actions then. What a horrible woman doing that to your DD I couldn’t hold my tongue on this one OP if I were you.

I had a friend who was flakey, rather than militant. Same result. I also have two Sen DC who don't cope well if this happens.

I used to tell DC 'let's go to the park. We MIGHT see X today, if they can make it. If not, we'll have fun together.' or wait until friend texted saying they were on their way.

I never kept it a surprise as then DC would be hopeful every trip.

Tbh I just kept it casual & low expectations. And we didn't sit around waiting for them.

The mother thinks it’s ok to let people down so I wouldn’t be looking to her to be a good example of values.

Yeah I find it odd to make your child do these jobs before arranged plans, then let everybody down if jobs aren't done in time. Surely it would be better to have the jobs done the night before.

I wouldn't bother making plans tbh

That mother sounds like an absolute horror.
I wouldn't dream of contacting her again.

A rude, ignorant horror.
Spare yourself and your daughter grief, never contact her again.

If it was a successful policy she wouldn’t be late so much 😜

I think in future keep meet ups for when other friends are there too and they can join when they arrive. Ultimately their odd way of arranging things will only harm themselves. I would hate such poor timekeeping.

From the perspective of someone following the thread that was an excellent post op but additionally you're not in a court of law so you don't have to apologise for inaccuracies or explain yourself. The fact you have makes me wonder if you feel to blame for this whole occurrence. Maybe you learned lessons (hello parenting) but despite her popularity and playdates this is her, not you. She was rude and unpleasant to you and her daughter and is clearly quite odd.

I wouldn't be impressed at someone wanting to use my DC for them to motivate theirs do so homework. Raise your kids that way fine but don't bring other people's kids into it.

Decent parents don't punish other children by cancelling play dates either

I thought this too. Very odd on the opening post it says she is popular and always ay playmates and parties.

If there's no problem with others, maybe she's trying to phase you out? Wiho knows?

Crikey what kind of boot camp is that poor child being brought up in .

I would also explain to DD where the blame lay. My DD needs to understand other people's motivations to get over what feels to her like a deliberate unkindness, so I'd explain that M's mother has decided doing her schoolwork currently takes priority over learning social skills and sticking to plans, and that's something we can't affect.

You'll have to discuss how other parents do things differently frequently as she sees other families, so it's a useful lesson, albeit a harsh one.

This 👆👆👆

This is the best suggestion. Other parents don’t parent according to the expectations of others.

Yes the mum sounds mental and rude. I'm all for giving my dc consequences but I don't encourage them to let other people down.

We have a friend who did/does similar. She essentially taught them that other people didn't matter, and now they're older she's surprised they're constantly in trouble with other people - because they treat people as though they don't matter!

My DD is ASD too. We pulled back and I now only meet up in groups, when we'd enjoy ourselves without them or after they've messaged that they're on their way, or sometimes we'll go to their house.

I didn't tell my kids we were meeting them until it was a sure thing. And now DD is 12 I still make sure to stress that they may not turn up, to manage expectations.

The mum believes she's totally justified btw.

I would not tell my DD that M is coming to the activity with her, till I know they are there or likely to be there.
Keep re-assuring your DD that M did not fail to come because she does not like her, but because she is learning discipline with her work and tidiness.
Eventually your DD will learn this and cope with changes of plans, which is a must in teen and adult life. So do not avoid exposing her to it forever, but damp it for now, as your DD is finding it too much.

Even without your DDs SN this is an awful thing to do to 8 year olds. Any child that age would be disappointed with a playdate being cancelled that last minute, unfortunately it affects your DD even more. She sounds like an awful parent.

Poor M. I wouldn't want her mother anywhere near my child.I'm a mum of 2 kids with SN - no,we don't have many playdates,but I'd rather have fewer with good people.

Lots of love to your daughter OP

Yes, the mother sounds insufferable.

Why on earth is the mum making her 8 year old DD do school work in the middle of the holidays in this heat? Do primary schools really give out holiday homework? DD's never did.

She sounds awful.

Enjoy your afternoon with your nice friend.

My take on this is your friend is self absorbed, entitled and teaching her DD to be the same. She is also teaching her the only boundaries that matter are hers and over stepping yours.

As a mum of an autistic child I would step back massively from this friendship and encourage your dd to build friendships with other kids.

Your DD deserves better than this and deserves to learn her time is important to. Who thinks turning up 2 hours late for a party is ok? I think I would be answering "i fully respect your boundaries and teaching your DD how you see fit but as i will be teaching my DD her time is precious to and she is allowed to set her own boundaries which means she doesn't need to hang about waiting for someone who doesn't show up for her. Hope you things go well for you. Bye