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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

133 replies

GoogleWhacking · 31/07/2024 08:18

My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 31/07/2024 08:38

Zusammen · 31/07/2024 08:35

He needs to stop paying money to her mother. By all means he can continue paying for things for DSD herself. But after she turns 18 he shouldn’t pay a single penny to her mother.

This!

Zusammen · 31/07/2024 08:35

He needs to stop paying money to her mother. By all means he can continue paying for things for DSD herself. But after she turns 18 he shouldn’t pay a single penny to her mother.

mitogoshi · 31/07/2024 08:35

Stop maintenance to the mum but give the dsd money directly for useful things like fares to job interviews! A period living with you and learning a good work ethic would be even better

MidnightPatrol · 31/07/2024 08:33

How much is he giving his ex-wife?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to cut them off the moment she turns 18, but I think it would be ok to set a deadline to incentivise her to find training / work.

At which point any money can be sent to the daughter rather than the mother, which presumably will stop the issue of him funding his ex-wife’s house etc.

Can she live with you instead?

JacquesHarlow · 31/07/2024 08:33

He needs to stop paying, @GoogleWhacking . He really does.

He thinks he his caring for his daughter and I get it, he wants her not to go without. Thousands of men aren't as good as him.

But in reality, he is just underpinning his ex's terrible financial decisions. He needs to cut back a bit so that his daughter steps into the light and works out how to make money, and also so that his ex wife stops playing games and blanking out reality.

cupcaske123 · 31/07/2024 08:32

The whole thing is ridiculous. He's paying for car maintenance and she earns more than him? He needs to stop paying and encourage his daughter to get a job. If she's got no money she doesn't have a phone.

BibbleandSqwauk · 31/07/2024 08:29

Take the mother out of the equation and think of it as would you still house clothe and feed the daughter if she lived with you? Would you tell her no job / college = no home or maybe no WiFi/netflix/spending money? It's all very well in theory but most of us wouldn't stop feeding or housing our child at any age no matter how unmotivated they were so if the resident parent is doing that then I think her non resident parent should too.

I think it's fair enough to cut it back to a reasonable rate with fewer "extras" but CMS is hardly a generous % .. unless your DH is a v high earner. I don't think he needs to be paying for her car service etc and a stern words need to be had with the dd about what she's doing, but its not easy right now for young people to get a job. Studying isn't for everyone so I feel for those who are in that position. Communication and keeping the daughter as the focus are key here. It's not about the mum.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 31/07/2024 08:25

Would she be better moving in with her dad? To get help getfing some focus?