Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

Yes but if she isn’t generating income the mother still has to provide for her.

That’s why I said the emphasis should be on incentivising and driving the dd to get herself sorted, rather than this slightly bizarre punitive approach to the mum.

It’s really off when the mum left do the heavy lifting with parenting gets blamed for every shortcoming of the child. Children from the most attentive, two parent homes can be slow to launch and both parents are responsible for that. It shouldn’t be any less so in a split home. I think all this “not a penny more to that woman” is disgraceful. Single parents have a hard road.

Yes the girl hasn’t become less expensive by having a birthday
She has become capable of supporting herself though. Dad shouldn’t be paying her keep any longer. If she’s working or studying then by all means he could pay her a top up amount at his discretion. But not if she’s doing nothing, and not a penny to her mum.

But the DD has already shown she's taking the piss with the one interview. I know a young adult in a similar situation but working 20 hrs a week at a supermarket. His parent provides bed, board and WiFi but he pays for anything else and gives his parent £200 a month. It's a start. This girl is not yet showing any sign of wanting to grow up ..a birthday is just an arbitrary date. Clearly she is still effectively a child and needs support. It's not fair if that falls entirely on the mum. I don't disagree that all the adults need to work on incentivising her but giving her a few hundred quid every month seems counter-intuitive. It feels like lots of posters are just focusing on the mum not getting it at whatever cost, rather than looking at the reality.

Seeing as you get on well. Cancel it for her have the details in front of you and cancel. Sky don’t know your voice or can see you down the phone. Some people just aren’t good at cancelling things as they feel some sort of loyalty to a big corporation.

Pay whatever your DH feels is appropriate amount DIRECT to DSD.

set up direct debit from DSD account for her phone bill or any other bills so she builds her credit score and to teach her that out of the money she has she need X amount to pay the direct debits.

If she was my daughter and 18 and not I full time education she wouldn't be getting a penny from me without having a job or if she was able to prove she had applied for several jobs and if she is accepted for interviews she must be going to them. Wouldn't matter if she got the job or not but she needs to be working or attempting to work full time hours

This!

Yes the girl hasn’t become less expensive by having a birthday.

Also I’m always a bit cautious about these “ex is terrible with money threads.” I’ve known so many women who actually are the ones fielding the upkeep and doing the bulk of the parenting while ex writes a cheque and opines about how they could manage better.

That said, it isn’t helpful for the dd to not be pushing for direction for herself. I think that is where the emphasis should lie and the financial aspect will lighten once she starts to get herself on her own two feet.

As an independent issue, if the sky package is OTT, perhaps address that as a separate expense concern rather than a “this proves you don’t need any money whatsoever.” If you really are amicable that shouldn’t be too difficult a conversation. I mean couldn’t DH make the call to Sky? It’s a twenty minute task… it sounds as if the ex is not sure how to go about it. Some people aren’t good at drilling into those calls.

@BibbleandSqwauk The mother earns more than the father. The daughter can get a job and pay for her own food and towards her keep. She's also entitled to benefits. At 18 I was studying full time, living in a major city and working.

Yes the girl hasn’t become less expensive by having a birthday.

Also I’m always a bit cautious about these “ex is terrible with money threads.” I’ve known so many women who actually are the ones fielding the upkeep and doing the bulk of the parenting while ex writes a cheque and opines about how they could manage better.

That said, it isn’t helpful for the dd to not be pushing for direction for herself. I think that is where the emphasis should lie and the financial aspect will lighten once she starts to get herself on her own two feet.

The CMS payments need to stop at 18 as otherwise the mum and SD are never going to learn to stand on their own two feet.

There's supporting someone and then there's being taken for a ride...

I read lots of post on here about single mothers raising children on benefits who still have to continue doing so when their child benefits stop at 18. Why should it be any different where the mother earns more than the dad?

The DSD is 18. Legally he has no financial obligation so any money he provides is purely voluntary and should really go directly to the DSD - with provisos as both parents should be scaffolding her into responsible, independent adulthood. The mother should have planned for this moment.

The thing is, it seems like the mum isn't exactly helping the situation. She, and DSD, are just sitting around expecting to continually be bailed out by her OP's DH.

If the money goes to DSD then that at least means the mum will have to engage with DSD about money and may motive her to encourage DSD to get a job.

For those saying not a penny to mum....she is still feeding and housing the girl. As the OP herself said, she did that for her own post 18 but no more. The dad should contribute to that feeding and housing which realistically the mum will be paying for. There's no way this girl is going to happily hand over the CMS to her mum from the sound of it so the result of giving it direct to her would be she gets a shit tonne of money for herself while sitting on her arse and mum pays for her essential living expenses. OP if it's really an amicable relationship I think a 3 way chat between you adults should happen to agree a way forward, with a discussion that the mum needs to support herself from now on (or give 6 months to get organised) or whatever.

As she's now left full-time education it's not unreasonable to expect her to get a job.

How about this - you keep paying for things like phone and specialist dental care etc. The rest gets paid to DSD directly and it's up to her / her mum how much she pays in rent, but you make it clear that this will only continue for six months or, maybe, until her next birthday if it's not too far away. And the amount you're paying will reduce over those six months. Say, the first three months at full whack, then 75%, 50% and 25% for the remaining three months.

Or she can come and live with you. Is that a viable option to give her? Would you/DH want that?

I agree with may PPs here - he should stop paying anything to the ex, but sit down with your DSD and state that he will fund/contribute to her on the proviso she gets back into FT education/vocational training. If you could bear it, I’d offer her to stay with you for a year while she does so, so that you know she is the direct beneficiary of any money he is providing. It’s perfectly acceptable now she is a legal adult to sit down and make it clear that privileges (such as dad’s money) is earned and that she has to step up.

Our local tech offers access diplomas and BTECs, many of which are free to 19yo if they do not have a L3 qualification, so I’d really recommend supporting her in exploring that.

Well that's a bit extreme. It is normal and healthy for parents to provide their children with some degree of financial assistance.

I understand your concern but there should be some middle ground here. Is the help your dh provides putting pressure on you financially?

Is this really true? Sorry to derail but I can’t believe that Sky are charging anyone that much!? We don’t watch sport but get drama and movies (also kids, news, documentaries) on Sky via Now TV for under £20. I’m fascinated to know what extras £185 gets you? I can only think it’s internet, mobile phone contracts etc but that still seems steep!

It’s his choice. I’m not sure how you’re so knowledgeable about his Ex’s financial dealings - how do you know what she pays for Sky???
It may irk you but I’ll reiterate - it’s his choice.

Absolutely this. No more cash for Mum and support for DSD when needed.

Dh stopped paying the full rate when dsd was 18 as she had a full time job. Her mum chose not to ask for a contribution towards the household, which was her choice. But he continued with a smaller amount until dsd was a little older as the job wasn't well paid - he paid it directly to her.

After the payments stopped altogether, we made it clear we'd help with the cost of things wherever possible. So, for example, she moved out and we got her a fridge freezer. She decided to go back to studying, so we bought her an iPad to support her essay writing etc. This is exactly what we'd do for the dc that dh and I share together.

I would stop paying child maintenance - as child maintenance - at 18, because she is no longer a child.

After 18 all money should go directly to her, not her mother, and her mother can then discuss with her what an appropriate and mutually affordable contribution from her to their household will be. The actual amount of money previously paid to her mother under the label of "child maintenance" might remain the same for a while, but just go directly to DSD. After all, one day (though presumably not any time very soon) she will move out, and her mother will need to manage without her at that point.

As for how much you should give her and for how long, that's a separate question. This might be a good time to discuss with her what her plans for the future will be and how she imagines funding adult life - does she plan to study, do vocational training, look for a full time job, etc. You could, for example, make it clear that you will provide a regular financial allowance for an adult child still in education or training but not otherwise, and give her a period of say a year during which you'll support her to find a course or a full time job.