Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

It depends on when she turns 18 - if it’s next week you need to give them more notice. I would give them a 3 month notice period that maintenance will be stopped/reduced and offer to sit down with them to sort bills, look at cv’s etc… Cutting it suddenly could cause financial issues for them and ruin your relationship - so I would ease them into it with the goal to make them both independent.

In terms of Sky and things like that my mum gets very stressed out dealing with these companies so I used to go on hold for her then when I was on to them I would get mum into the room to say she is the bill holder and I am authorised to speak on her behalf. Then on cancelling I ask them to send an email verifying and take the name of who I spoke to - Sky often have cancellations go astray and do make it difficult!

Your DSD may be feeling a bit depressed/have fear of failure if she dropped out of college - some people when they get a set back shut themselves away from the world (avoiding shame/fear/the situation) - getting a job/doing a course would be incredibly important or she could wallow/hide out and it could become harder to reenter the world (I did this a little when younger following redundancy etc). Given her mum avoids talking to people about bills this could be the case with your DSD - they could both have a bit of anxiety and are masking it by just avoiding certain situations.

I would go through her cv with her and really focus on the positives, lots of praise and suggestions if what she could do, talk about what she enjoys or finds easy - failing that maybe counselling - my older bro found cognitive behavioural therapy helpful! I definitely think continuing to pay is not helpful to them or to yourselves!

It's precisely because I want to parent that I have those rules. It is good to be safety net. I provided a safety net to my dd when things went tits up for her when she was living away from home. But being a safety net does not mean enabling an adult to do nothing and not contributing to the household that they live in.

If the mother is choosing to infantalise her daughter, that's her prerogative. Her daughter is 18 and can claim UC until she finds full time employment. That's approximately £300 a month some of which can be put towards her food and bills. She then gets a full time job and pays her way. She can also move out.

Quite.

Child maintenance stops when a child turns 16, or when they turn 20 if they are still in full-time education or vocational training.

Your SC isn’t in FT education (it was her choice to leave) therefore the payments should stop.

By continuing to pay - you are facilitating 2 adults to either do nothing or mismanage their finances.

The fact that the mum can’t cope without the maintenance isn’t your problem. She needs to get a grip on managing her money and she would of known that maintenance stops at some point.

If your OH wants to give the daughter money that’s fine, but he should give it to her so she can start to manage her own finances (you don’t want the cycle of incompetence continuing).

But she'll have food and a roof and clothes on her back, all provided by mum if dad stops paying. I think there are a number of entwined issues here .one is the amount of support a lazy/ immature 18 yo should get and the other is from whom. I have no problem with the support for the ex's bad budgeting coming to an end, probably should have done so long ago, but CMS itself is a different matter.

Darling mother needs to sort herself out. He needs to stop paying.

and as ive said already... when DD reaches 18, then the maintenance stops.. and no hand outs, no paying for mobile phone bills etc

DD will soon get sick of having no money

fair enough i read it that DD had to have a job before moving in... no reason why she can't move in and then look for a job, or further education or what not.

it does annoy me that parents only want to be parents until their kids turn 18!

I think you should stop paying CM. You are not helping either of them at the moment in terms of being independent and responsible about money. Agree an allowance directly with your SD to cover her phone and other extras but set a time limit on it and make it clear that this is to give her some breathing space to work out what she wants to do. You may want to give her more or less support depending on what she decides but the status quo is doing nobody any favours.

This

I went to university at 18, I wasn't supported by my parents and worked. I took out loans and used bank overdrafts. I then got a full time job and paid it back. I also lived in various house shares in London and was responsible for my rent and bills.

I had a part time job from the age of 13 which you could do then, and my parents didn't give me money. By the time I was 18, I was used to paying my way.

Child maintenance stops at 18 because you're an adult and entitled to benefits and can get a full time job. You can also move out. You can marry, have a family and live independently. The job of parents is to bring you up so you can live an independent life.

It would be different if the SD was actually looking for work but she's lounging around doing nothing and being supported financially to do so. Neither parent is doing her any favours. Like I said she can sign up for UC and start paying her way. Her mother doesn't have to pay for her.

i think its a bit mean that a parent will not allow their own child to live in their house unless they have a job.

I don't think that the dad won't allow his DD to move in until she's got a job. I read it that the dad will allow his DD to move in but would not just let her sit around not doing anything. She'd need to get a job or, I suppose, go back to education or at least do something. But DD doesn't appear to want that.

Did you read the post? She is welcome in the house whether she has a job or not.

if she is living there she must make an attempt to find a job or do something constructive. If she doesn’t want to continue education that’s her choice, but she has to do something.

I agree sitting on her arse letting dad pay for everything should not be an option.

it is not “mean” to suggest a capable adult gets off their arse and contributes to the household.

So how long would you allow your adult child to live in your house contributing nothing, and making no attempt to contribute?

would you keep working instead of retiring so you can support your adult child at home who has never had a job out of choice?

o/p didn’t say they must have a job before moving in, only that they must make the effort to look for one.

To be honest I would not be pushing my dc towards UC.

I think the preferable approach is parental support to generate income, not starting off on the back foot. Supporting children is not “ infantilising” them. Many of the ( eventually) highest earners will be getting a student lifestyle at university that is fairly remote from adult life . We don’t grow up in one blow.

thanks for the advice.. i think its a bit mean that a parent will not allow their own child to live in their house unless they have a job.

i agree at 18 unless in further education the natural order of things is to get a job.

but the SD should be welcome in her dads house irrespective of if she has a job or not

not your own child... my children are welcome in my house regardless of if they have a job or not.

why can SD not move in while looking for a job?

O/p said she doesn’t want to move in as “they will make her look for a job”

so she has to at least try. Which seems reasonable. What parent allows an 18 year old to sit around not doing anything and doesn’t encourage a job, education etc.

btw you can go to the o/p and select “see all”, which will show you only o/p’s posts if you want to confirm things for yourself.

That is perfectly reasonable. No adult should expect to sit at home all day doing nothing. I would say the same even if it were a 16 year old.

At one point I thought there was a danger that ds (he is ND) would be similar in that he was talking of not going to uni and at that point showed no signs of trying to get a job. That didn't happen but I made it clear that the day he left full time education would be the day I stopped giving him a penny and not only that, I would expect him to give me £50 per week out of his universal credit he would be entitled to, to cover the cost of feeding him and the extra utility costs he generated.

As it happened he went to uni and turned out to be very entrepreneurial in getting part time work. As PP said, infantilising a young adult does not help them. I've seen this with other family members and it isn't turning out well.

so the cavet for SD moving in is that she gets a job? if SD moves in she has to get a job? just confirm for me thats correct?

If the mother is choosing to infantalise her daughter, that's her prerogative. Her daughter is 18 and can claim UC until she finds full time employment. That's approximately £300 a month some of which can be put towards her food and bills. She then gets a full time job and pays her way. She can also move out.

How do you know mum has done all the “heavy lifting of single parenting”?

o/p hasn’t said what the care split was, but if she has her own room at their house it doesn’t sound like her dad has avoided his share.

plus it sounds like dad has done more than his share of the financial lifting, bailing mum out and paying her share too.

Maintenance stops and I’d have an issue with him paying her bills she’s an ex ffs!

daughter either comes to live with you and be reasonably provided for or mum pulls her finger out, becomes an adult and sorts her life out. Other option is daughter ends up like mum but hubby needs to be firm he will not find a lazy lifestyle.

we work hard to afford nice things, very simple