Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

Regarding the Sky it sounds like DSD's mum has anxiety around making the phone call. Could someone help her with that as then that's £185 less you need to pay?

If your DH is scared to make any drastic moves, he could start by reducing ... perhaps by the amount she is wasting on Sky every month, by refusing to sort that out...

The three of them sound infuriating!

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DSD, if her dad doesn't have what it takes to help motivate her, can you get to the heart of this with her? Her lack of interest in her own life is very sad to me.

I think you need to think hard about what is best for your SD now and the current situation is not really doing anyone any good. From the sounds of it you will continue to support her but think of how this might play out in different ways. In the future you might want to help with rent / house deposits, a training course. Stopping one form of support doesn’t mean you are not there for her.

Basic living yes. Full "maintenance" as if she's an actual child who can't provide for herself? No. She can work but she's choosing not to. She could get UC but presumably choosing not to.

Nobody pays "market rent" to their parents. I did pay quite a lot of my income to them, as it happens. Because I got paid a pittance as an apprentice because that's what you have to be prepared to do at 16 if you don't go to uni.

Op has said she can live with them and they'll happily pay for her to live, but she doesn't want to get a job so she won't. It's no wonder is it?

we simply don't know her circumstances and why she is not currently employed. Just because you were self supporting from 16 (living alone or paying market rent to your parents?) doesn't mean everyone can. I don't disagree this young person sounds unmotivated and I don't think new phones, clothes, socialising money should be on the table, but basic living, if needed, should be the job of BOTH parents.

I mean I didn't move out decades ago it was just less than a decade ago as it happens and nobody paid for me past 16 since I had a job (apprenticeship)! Which is still entirely possible now.

I know how HARD it is for young people. I am relatively young thanks and haven't had any financial help to get where I am. I still don't think paying her to sit at home is helping her whatsoever.

So if the dd cba getting a job mummy and daddy should be paying for her until she does? Why would she bother?

@Ottervision at whatever age you are able to access and keep a job that pays enough to live independently, or to live at home but contribute a realistic amount. There's no point people whanging on about what they did decades ago - its is HARD now for young people, especially if they are not traditionally academic and go to uni. The supermarket and retail work they might have got is now being done by older people with families to support on zero hours contracts who hoover up any available shifts, the apprentice schemes are very hit and miss and not the fabulous alternative they are cracked up to be. Add in post-covid issues, rising MH crises and its quite easy to end up as an "adult" who is nowhere near self supporting. My simple point is this - for as long as the young person requires parental support, they should get that from BOTH parents. The fact that they are divorced does not absolve the NRP of that responsibility.

When does it end though? What if she's still jobless and living with mum at 25? 30?

At what point are you like.... you're not a dependant child anymore?

OP I think you stop when the resident parent does - if the DSD gets a proper job and starts paying her mum rent etc then she is self supporting and CMS can stop - though in general parents may well still help their children beyond this with big things like car expenses for a while. However, while the mum is necessarily supporting her basic needs, the Dad should too. IF you really think the DSD would hand a portion of it to her mum for housekeeping then it could go to her but from what you've said that sounds unlikely. The mum's ability to ring Sky or whatever is completely irrelevant. She could be a millionaire and the other parent should still contribute. As long as she is housing and feeding the child out need, the other parent should contribute to that.

I also struggle with when do you stop paying if not when they have left training, education and are 18?

When indeed - if her mother can't manage her money and DSD hasn't got the work ethic, then there's never going to be a good time to stop paying. So best nip this in the bud.

This is a very good idea OP. You never know what might open up for her on the job front or it may give her the drive to repeat her exams etc.

That is very clear. Thank You.

And I would say somewhat rigid in thinking.

And a little cross. 😮

I think a lot of newcomers to the job market are struggling atm. Do you know any friends she could do unpaid work for to boost her cv? This might also provide sone incentive to get a paid job …

She uis 18. He pays anything he likes direct to dd
Dsd decides if she pays her dm board and lodging.
No need to go thru the mother any more

You could well be right. I can only answer for myself.

However, if step mum/dad wants to genuinely help or support a step child then why not; as long as it comes from a good place?

However, bringing a personal dislike towards another person to a situation and/or taking pot shots off of Mum, really doesn't help anyone, especially the child/young adult in the middle. (General comment not just directed at OP)

There is also a time in any given situation where the best move for a step parent is to just step back and away; the trick is to be able to recognise that.

Not many do.

Hi OP, I'm sure this must be difficult but I'm wondering if there could be something else going on?
There are genuine reasons why people might struggle with money or struggle to contact companies like sky. For example I have ADHD/Autism and I really struggle to do things like that.
I'm not saying DSD is neuro divergent but it might be worth looking at her behaviour through another lense. Those things can be genetic. Equally it could be learned behaviour from her mum.
I guess what I'm saying is try not to frame it as a lazy teenager, try to look deeper and understand the why. More often than not it's more than just laziness.

From her actual parents, yes. But i don't think they should continue to pay her to sit around and do nothing either because why would you bother trying to get a job if you didn't actually need to.

Looks like you missed where OP said they'd be glad to have her at their house.

I don't think it's reasonable to just say 'it's his choice'. OP is married to the father so it's family money he's spending.

OP has just said in her last posts that her DSD has tried repeatedly at different things but has been rejected/unsuccessful. each time

DSD has now become unmotivated after experiencing numerous knock backs.
This is a different narrative to the original one where it was suggested that the DSD was lazy from the get go because of bad parenting and a dodgy Sky Bill..

More that she is dejected and wondering what is the point - rather than a natural layabout.
This young girl needs support and extra help to get her motivated to get up and try again. Not punishment and ultimatums.

There may be fault and there may be no fault. Sometimes no matter how you bring a child up they behave in a certain way. I have two and they have been brought up the same way. They are completely different in their attitudes to money etc.

I called the daughter a lazy layabout and the mum a useless example of an adult and the dad an enabler just so you’re clear. And I stand by it. Working or not, can’t phone sky. Ridiculous

can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves.

If the 18 year old is struggling then the fault is shared mutually between all 3 adults...this young lady did not lick it off the floor -

I thought the usual mumsnet opinion on step mothers is that they have no role whatsoever in raising their step children and shouldn't ever even presume to have an opinion?