DSS and work

What was he planning to study, OP? Is there anyone he listens to? If he’s motivated by financial rewards, surely studying a related subject at Uni would improve his chances.

What’s his mothers view?

To be honest, if he's in the cult of Andrew Tate and it sounds like he is with the refusing uni etc. he probably won't listen to you anyway. I'd be having strong conversations with your DH , send him links to gambling addiction sites and help him see he is not helping. You need to show a united front!!

If he wants to trade successfully he should be spending his time on research and doing it properly. What he's doing is gambling and what his dad is doing is enabling him to gamble. That's not good parenting. Unless DSS is depressed, in which case he needs to see his GP and get treatment, then he needs a big reality check and his dad needs to stop enabling him. It's easy to decide jobs and university are a con while someone else is paying for everything. Basics, food, clothes, roof over his head sure. Everything else, like car costs and phone need to be earned. My DM enabled my brother and he's still living off her in he's 40s and she's struggling to make ends meet on her pension. At some stage the line needs to be drawn, it's far easier to do now than once this behaviour and sense of complete entitlement become completely engrained. Eta: I agree with PP about taking it slowly and step by step, build little changes on top of each other so he hopefully starts to realise himself he wants things to change. You've got time on your side. If that doesn't work you can always try the short sharp shock later. Unfortunately though any changes involve DH getting on board. He's the sticking point. Maybe you could ask him how he sees this playing out and how things are ever going to change if DSS always gets shielded from the effects of his choices. DSS is learning how to adult here.

The Andrew Tate stuff can really suck people in.

He is effectively being conned.

Talk to your dh. You need a united front.

It's not worth doing the short sharp shock - he needs time to realise that he needs his own money and it's better if he comes to that realisation himself.

If he isn't earning any money then eventually he will get fed up with it.

Try to arrange with dh that in September the car goes - you "can't afford" insurance for him any more so it's sold.

Basically just try to make life a little bit more uncomfortable each month so he starts thinking - I want Money.

Andrew Tate encourages men to find women they can live off - so the women have a job and do childcare and pay while the man does nothing, it's attractive to men who feel rejected and like they have nothing to offer.

Try to find something he is good at and encourage that.

I suspect you will find that if he gets a new girlfriend this will all turn 180 very very fast.

In the meantime I'd let stuff like breakfast go in the interest of getting a united front with dh.

Charge him rent and stop paying for things for him. He needs a reality check. It's one thing trying to be all 'Andrew Tate' and making imaginary £millions in some gambling scheme. It's another when you have no money, no life and live at home with your parents as an adult

It sounds like he needs help, but until he has nothing he won't take you up on it. It sounds harsh, but you need to basically cut him off and allow him to figure things out for himself.

Most 'day traders' (gamblers) lose money. If he is somehow one of the tiny minority of very lucky traders, or puts in the required time and effort to become extremely skilled at it (doesn't sound like he is) then good for him.

He seems to be pretty far down the rabbit hole already, he may need to reach the bottom before he accepts any advice or help.

At 20 my son was married, own house and good job.
This deadbeat and your DH need to get a grip.

You need to get really tough - he'll be living with you & bleeding you dry for bloody years otherwise!!

80 % of retail investors lose money. Thats the explicit warning you see in the advertising for trading platforms. Your SS is obviously one of the 80%.

Those who are successfull have, much better knowledge, have access to much better software, and can command financial backing. They do not need to borrow a hundred quid off their dad.🙄

He sounds deluded and avoidant. You are quite right; he needs a wake up call.

There is big money to be made in trading but the reality is that to make that big money you have to already have big money to put in, and you also suffer big losses so have to be able to absorb those.

These tiktok traders etc don’t highlight that though!

Honestly it sounds like he's got a gambling addiction which trading bit coin etc is. Also watching Andrew Tate and joining his money making scam is also another red flag.

Do not enable him by giving him money and read up about gambling addictions.

A friend of mine spent years following the stockmarket and trading. He treated it like a job. My understanding is that in order to make any money, you need a sizable capital to start with, to the tune of £30-40k. Where’s he going to get that from?

Your DSS is unwell. Or not completely well. Andrew tait and the likes are incredibly convincing that men deserve wealth and shouldn't have to work too hard, encouraging them to become isolated and therefore more dependent on their online lives at the same time. It’s. Hugely concerning. I think you need a gentle intervention of his parents do.

can you try and break this cycle by getting him away on holiday or change location? Ideally somewhere without Wi-Fi. Or encourage counselling? This is not healthy and is not going to change on its own. Best of luck op, you sound like you really care and it can’t be easy

"trading in bit coin" is another way of saying gambling addict.

Contact gamcare and ask for help

Or rather, get your partner to do so

Your DH is the issue here. This is his child and he should be putting his foot down and telling HIS son what is expected In the home.

Doing his own washing, buying and cooking his own meals and paying his way! If he doesn’t like it, he’s old enough to move out.

Your husband is enabling him to be this way.

Had my question hidden by MN for mentioning what day trading might be to do with. What is day trading, please?

Talk to your DH.

If his girlfriend has dumped him then he may be feeling very upset and many men struggle to deal with these feelings.

Has he actually cancelled his uni place or is that still a plan?

Personally (and I have late twenties children who had mh problems in their teens) I would let him have somewhere to live while strongly encouraging him to progress.

Dinosaur here - is day trading to do with crypto currency?

Change the Wi-Fi password.
Put a lock on the fridge.
He wants money for petrol…..his car? Who bought it?
your car? Take him off the insurance policy.
You both seem to be enabling him to continue to waste his life.

Your DSS is basically just lazy.

I know plenty of people that trade and they work full time jobs and use this as a side hustle. It rarely is successful enough to do as full time work.

Your DH needs to support you also and tell his son he has x amount of months to find a job, or you will stop funding his lifestyle or lending any money.