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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think his behaviour was disrespectful?

63 replies

endangeredmum · 30/07/2024 21:16

Hello,
I left an emotionally abusive relationship in January but we have children and so we need to stay friendly. He works abroad for around 9 months of the year so it's been fairly easy for me to detach, however, this last weekend I reached out to him to join me and the children at a local festival that I go to with my Mum and Dad and brother every year. He said he would come for the Friday and the Saturday and so we got him a discounted ticket.

My Mum lives opposite the festival and so offered to put him up and made sure he had everything he needed for a comfrotable stay. He had all the beer he could want, all the food he could want, a lovely clean and laundered room to stay in with the children and of course we made him feel welcome.

On the Saturday night, My Mum and Dad offered to take the kids home so we could roam around the festival - as friends of course. We watched a bit of music and then I started to get really tired as I look after the children on my own - he doesn't read to them, doesn't do bath time, doesn't take them anywhere...he will stay in bed whilst I get up with them so I didn't want to be too tired when they got up the next morning.

The festival is a bout a mile walk from the house in the dark and as he had other friends at the festival, I said to him 'why don't you stay, I will be fine' to which he kept replying 'nah, I will walk you home as it's not safe and you never know what's going to happen etc. etc.' He kept up this narrative until suddenly, he spotted a young girl he knew (maybe 15 years our junior) and lunged over to greet her. He told her my name but didn't tell me how they knew each other. She said she was there alone. He then continued to stand with her and talk and when there was a lull in the conversation, he didn't say 'well it's nice to see you, I had better get the mother of my children home safely' he waited...and waited until I got the hint and finally said 'oh, don't worry, I will walk myself home' to which he replied 'OK! If you're sure'

It isn't the worst thing he has ever done to me (he pushed me once when I was holding my newborn and also came home at 7am high on pills and cocaine just after I had had our first child) but it hurt DEEPLY.

Am I being a narcissist here by needing to control his reactions to seeing other women? I am so, SO confused. I don't know which way is up and wonder if I am crazy to feel disrespected. I sobbed all the way home.

OP posts:

HoHoHoliday · 31/07/2024 08:37

You left the relationship, you don't need to socialise with him! You need to be on friendly terms for the kids but that doesn't mean being friends. Live your own life and let him live his. Keep in touch to arrange parenting, access, practical arrangements for the kids.

Dulra · 31/07/2024 08:28

I left the relationship because I thought I was awful. I thought I could be better and so wanted to do a good thing for him by inviting him.

There is nothing wrong with you he is the abuser and has made you feel you are the problem. I am glad you confided in your mum and I think you need to start distancing yourself from him. I would advise that you seek support and therapy to process what has happened because his abuse is still having a negative impact on your own confidence and self worth. He isn't ever going to change but you need to try and recover from the abusive marriage you were in.

Inspireme2 · 31/07/2024 08:27

Do you have feeling for him?
You can co parent without him being with you.
Wow your parents have gone beyond to make it easy for him.
Sometimes it is better to think of him as a business partner than a friend, I was advised.

Mintypig · 31/07/2024 08:20

Oh god don’t see this man again. Stop this quest for friendship and let him go. You want him to be your knight in shining armour but he has already told you who
he is ….believe him!

Edingril · 31/07/2024 08:17

Put your children not yourself first, it needs to be said time and time again rinse and repeat

BettyBardMacDonald · 31/07/2024 08:15

Pallisers · 30/07/2024 22:08

I have no idea why you or your mother are bending over backwards for this useless piece of shit who has no interest in his own children.

He pushed you when you were holding a newborn in your arms and your mum is buying beer for him!

Come on OP. this is wrong. Do the freedom course and work on treating yourself right.

This.

It's gross that your parents engineered leaving the two of you alone at the festival, too. Are they hoping the relationship with an abuser is rekindled?!

jeaux90 · 31/07/2024 07:50

You can co-parent in a better way that creates boundaries OP.
Do not go to events together.
Do not let him stay in the same house as you
Contact should be a handover
You do not need to be friends.

outdamnedspots · 31/07/2024 07:44

TimeForTeaAndG · 30/07/2024 21:19

Why are you allowing him so much headspace? Your parents put him up and treated him like an honoured guest! You can be friendly co-parents without being friends.

Move on and keep him at a very long arms length.

This!!

He was EA to you. He won't change.

StripeyDeckchair · 31/07/2024 07:39

Why are you doing this with your ex?
Putting him up?
Making him comfortable
Not expecting him to do any looking after his children?

Hes an ex
Hand the kids over for him to look after on his time. End of.
Don't socialise
Don't put him up
Don't buy him tickets for events
Don't let him disregard you when another woman comes along

HousedInMySoul · 31/07/2024 07:39

Your mum probably thought you wanted to get back together with him, before she knew about the abuse. That's why she was rolling out the red carpet.
Amicable means being polite on pick up and drop off of kids, not paying for his festival ticket and beer.
He's not worth your time and effort

Tagyoureit · 31/07/2024 07:39

Keeping things amicable doesn't mean going to festivals together, it means not having a slanging match every time you talk/meet to hand over the kids.

Keep your social lives separate

Lampslights · 31/07/2024 07:36

I think you’re blurring lines. You are both single, he’s allowed to chat to or date other women, and you were fine to walk home alone.

were yoh jealous?

SuncreamAndIceCream · 31/07/2024 07:34

Bless you OP

Trying to be the bigger person & you've just had it thrown back in your face

At least you know what you're dealing with now. He's a horrible, selfish individual. No more family days out.

itsgettingweird · 31/07/2024 07:30

You don't need to be friends with an emotionally abusive arsehole.

You need to Co parent effectively with him (but can only control your part in this).

Stop trying to give him fun times - focus on facilitating time with your children.

I'd have sent him home with the kids and you stay with your parents!

But I don't see what he did as terrible - you said you were fine walking home alone.

Personally I wouldn't have left a friend but you need to realise you aren't friends really in the typical sense of things.

Newnamehiwhodis · 31/07/2024 07:22

He’s showing you who he is. He’s a creep.
i voted YANBU because your feelings are valid! You deserve to be treated better - and also, he’s a slime. He isn’t a friend.

Original poster

endangeredmum · 31/07/2024 07:17

My Mum didn’t know about the abuse as I had been protecting him and also protecting her up until this weekend. After I came home without him and she asked where he was, it all came out and I told her everything. She was horrified. I didn’t want to tell her as she gets very very stressed when upset.

He had always made me out to be ‘dramatic’, ‘crazy’, ‘unhinged’, ‘intense’ and so up until I saw his behaviour from outside the relationship this weekend, I really, really believed it was all down to what a horrible person I am.

I left the relationship because I thought I was awful. I thought I could be better and so wanted to do a good thing for him by inviting him. And thought it would be great for the kids to see him too as they hadn’t seen him for 3 months.

Thank you so much for all your feedback and help x

OP posts:

CheekyHobson · 30/07/2024 22:34

He's careless of your feelings and you are not unreasonable to feel he didn't treat you well, which isn't the same as "needing to control his actions" (unless you had a tantrum in front of him and cried that he'd said he would walk you home so he had better follow through).

But you are being entirely unreasonable to think you can play happy families or be actual friends with someone who you know full well to be emotionally abusive (and emotionally abusive usually comes hand-in-hand with inconsiderate and self-absorbed).

See him how he is and behave accordingly. Don't expect him to be different to how he's repeatedly shown himself to be.

2sisters · 30/07/2024 22:32

I think you need to maintain proper boundaries with him. He is the children's father. He isn't your friend. While it's nice if you can be civil and tolerate each other you need to maintain a distance.

In future I'd only contact him in relation to the children things like if someones unwell, contact arrangements, maintenance, if you need uniform cost ect. I'd only tell him about/ invite him to about functions involving the children ie parents evening, school plays, nativity. Above an beyond that you need to limit contact. I'd insist his contact time is away from your house. He needs to collect the kids and parent them when he has them.

I think you'd benefit from some counselling as well. I think you need to address your feeling for him and unpick them.

NoSnowdrop · 30/07/2024 22:24

Sorry OP but he’s an arsehole and the more you and your parents do for him, the more he’ll take.

Emotionally abusive
Physically abusive as he pushed you
Cba with reading to his kids or caring for them
Flirts and lies in front of you
Takes drugs

what are you bothering for?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 30/07/2024 22:20

Oh bless you, I’d be heart broken too!
thank god he’s showing his true colours, what an arse and you’re well rid!
Im so sorry, just know you’re not a prick unlike him!

Noseybookworm · 30/07/2024 22:19

You can be amicable for the sake of the children but you are not friends. He has treated you badly so I don't know why you're going out of your way to spend time with him, unless you're not over him. Let him spend time with your children and remove yourself from the situation. I don't know why you expect him to be respectful towards you when you've already said it was an abusive relationship. Give your head a wobble and detach yourself emotionally.

MasterBeth · 30/07/2024 22:17

You are no longer in a relationship with him.

He was emotionally abusive when you were in a relationship with him.

He is not going to behave properly to you now

EG94 · 30/07/2024 22:17

I voted YABU, I’m out of an abusive relationship and it is so hard not to fall back in despite knowing it’s bad. I’m sure you still love him, I love mine, I’m looking forward to not doing. I know seeing him or spending time with him would have me back in the trap. You do not need to be nice to this man. You need to communicate about the kids that is simply it. No more, no less. For your own protection do not attempt to play happy families with this man. If he’d have walked you back, given you’d both had some drinks what are the chances you’d have ended up in bed just one last time? I know it’s hard to detach because something still feels like it could have been fixed because of the good times. It’s a trick, we are programmed to believe we can fix it, we can’t. Let him go fully. If you have a wobble you can always PM me, I think I understand the complexity and confusion of the feelings xx

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2024 22:13

I'm confused that your left an abusive relationship then invited him on a day out

SussexLass87 · 30/07/2024 22:12

Does your Mum know that he pushed you? And that he is a drug user?

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