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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think his behaviour was disrespectful?

63 replies

endangeredmum · 30/07/2024 21:16

Hello,
I left an emotionally abusive relationship in January but we have children and so we need to stay friendly. He works abroad for around 9 months of the year so it's been fairly easy for me to detach, however, this last weekend I reached out to him to join me and the children at a local festival that I go to with my Mum and Dad and brother every year. He said he would come for the Friday and the Saturday and so we got him a discounted ticket.

My Mum lives opposite the festival and so offered to put him up and made sure he had everything he needed for a comfrotable stay. He had all the beer he could want, all the food he could want, a lovely clean and laundered room to stay in with the children and of course we made him feel welcome.

On the Saturday night, My Mum and Dad offered to take the kids home so we could roam around the festival - as friends of course. We watched a bit of music and then I started to get really tired as I look after the children on my own - he doesn't read to them, doesn't do bath time, doesn't take them anywhere...he will stay in bed whilst I get up with them so I didn't want to be too tired when they got up the next morning.

The festival is a bout a mile walk from the house in the dark and as he had other friends at the festival, I said to him 'why don't you stay, I will be fine' to which he kept replying 'nah, I will walk you home as it's not safe and you never know what's going to happen etc. etc.' He kept up this narrative until suddenly, he spotted a young girl he knew (maybe 15 years our junior) and lunged over to greet her. He told her my name but didn't tell me how they knew each other. She said she was there alone. He then continued to stand with her and talk and when there was a lull in the conversation, he didn't say 'well it's nice to see you, I had better get the mother of my children home safely' he waited...and waited until I got the hint and finally said 'oh, don't worry, I will walk myself home' to which he replied 'OK! If you're sure'

It isn't the worst thing he has ever done to me (he pushed me once when I was holding my newborn and also came home at 7am high on pills and cocaine just after I had had our first child) but it hurt DEEPLY.

Am I being a narcissist here by needing to control his reactions to seeing other women? I am so, SO confused. I don't know which way is up and wonder if I am crazy to feel disrespected. I sobbed all the way home.

OP posts:
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Bowies · 13/01/2025 23:30

Maintain separate and strong boundaries and stop pandering to him and putting yourself in situations that are inevitably going to upset you.

You aren’t friends and don’t need to be.

FemurRobinson · 31/07/2024 16:36

divinededacende · 31/07/2024 10:29

Respectfully OP, this is a soft YABU. At a certain point, you can't blame a duck for quacking. He is what he is and you left him for that. I admire you maintaining a good relationship because you have children together but this whole weekend seems far too cosy and goes way beyond that. The whole post is giving me bad date vibes, not boundaried social activity with abusive ex for the sake of the kids.

I don' think you're being a narcissist but I don't think you've fully let go of the relationship and weekends like this aren't going to help you do that. As for offering to walk you home and then ditching you as soon as another woman came along, that's a dick move but, as you say, nothing out of character and all it did was leave you in the same situation you were in beforehand. He is a single man, no matter how icky his behavior is.

I hope you can get some closure on him OP. No matter what happens, finding a way to move past this guy is your best option. I know it's hard when there's so much emotion and history. Maybe some counselling might help you to process your feelings?

Good post.

5128gap · 31/07/2024 16:34

sixtyandsomething · 31/07/2024 08:46

If he walks you home, then he has to walk back to the festival on his own, after, and he is more likely to be attacked than you are

Well he sounds like quite a physical guy himself. If that happened perhaps he could give them a push.

Aligirlbear · 31/07/2024 16:32

I feel sorry for your mum - you actually have put her in an awful position as I’m sure she would never have agreed to him staying if she had known about the reasons for your split and hopefully your DC didn’t misconstrue this as a possible reunion of you and your ex.

You need to chalk this down to experience and set appropriate boundaries between you going forward. - being “friends” like this doesn’t work. It will confuse your DC and be traumatic for you as his behaviour won’t change.

5128gap · 31/07/2024 16:29

This man is not your friend. He is your abuser who unfortunately is still part of your life because of your children. However that part should be as small as you can make it where your own life is concerned. He deserves none of your time, attention or emotional investment, yet you and your family are pandering round seeking his approval and rewarding him for being the appalling person he was and is. I can understand from your perspective as it takes time to break free and no longer feel you need to please your abuser. But I can't imagine what your parents were thinking to facilitate this. Please keep him at arms length in future as he will hurt you again and again.

RedHelenB · 31/07/2024 16:22

Before he'd even met this girl you said you'd be fine. After he met the girl he still asked if you were sure you wanted to walk home alone. Yabu.

sixtyandsomething · 31/07/2024 15:12

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 09:57

Ah, the MRAs have arrived

Show quote history

I have no idea what an MRA is, but I am just talking about a statistical truth.

divinededacende · 31/07/2024 10:29

Respectfully OP, this is a soft YABU. At a certain point, you can't blame a duck for quacking. He is what he is and you left him for that. I admire you maintaining a good relationship because you have children together but this whole weekend seems far too cosy and goes way beyond that. The whole post is giving me bad date vibes, not boundaried social activity with abusive ex for the sake of the kids.

I don' think you're being a narcissist but I don't think you've fully let go of the relationship and weekends like this aren't going to help you do that. As for offering to walk you home and then ditching you as soon as another woman came along, that's a dick move but, as you say, nothing out of character and all it did was leave you in the same situation you were in beforehand. He is a single man, no matter how icky his behavior is.

I hope you can get some closure on him OP. No matter what happens, finding a way to move past this guy is your best option. I know it's hard when there's so much emotion and history. Maybe some counselling might help you to process your feelings?

Edingril · 31/07/2024 09:58

Thelnebriati · 31/07/2024 09:46

He set up a situation to hurt your feelings and he used a child to do it. Find your inner anger and disgust at his behaviour. He's done such a number on you that you are jealous of him chatting up an underage girl, rather than calling him out for being a sleazy pig.

How was she under-age?

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 09:57

sixtyandsomething · 31/07/2024 08:46

If he walks you home, then he has to walk back to the festival on his own, after, and he is more likely to be attacked than you are

Ah, the MRAs have arrived

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 09:56

Thelnebriati · 31/07/2024 09:46

He set up a situation to hurt your feelings and he used a child to do it. Find your inner anger and disgust at his behaviour. He's done such a number on you that you are jealous of him chatting up an underage girl, rather than calling him out for being a sleazy pig.

Nobody said the girl was ‘underage’. She was 15 years younger than the OP, not 15 years old.

KreedKafer · 31/07/2024 09:53

Ultimately, you’ve been separated for eight months from this man, who was abusive, and then you invited him to a festival and then expected him to behave like you’re still together.

I am sure he absolutely is a complete arsehole, but you aren’t a couple and he can talk to whoever he likes at a festival; he wasn’t there as your date.

It was a weird idea to invite him in the first place. You split up because he was abusive. He isn’t going to suddenly become a nice guy to be around now that you’re not together. Unless you’re some sort of masochist, don’t hang out with a man who isn’t actually nice. You don’t need to. Stop it.

Thelnebriati · 31/07/2024 09:46

He set up a situation to hurt your feelings and he used a child to do it. Find your inner anger and disgust at his behaviour. He's done such a number on you that you are jealous of him chatting up an underage girl, rather than calling him out for being a sleazy pig.

DaisyChain505 · 31/07/2024 09:45

There’s ones thing being amicable with an ex and there’s another inviting them to family days out etc.

Youre confusing everyone involved. Being amicable means being polite in front of the children and being able to communicate about them without friction etc.

TemuSpecialBuy · 31/07/2024 09:38

Capeprimrose · 31/07/2024 09:30

He is a vile abusive creep.
Stop being nice to him.
Stop accommodating him.

You need to look after yourself and your children.
Forget this sleazy waster.

This
”It’s not better for the children” to be a doormat

Capeprimrose · 31/07/2024 09:30

He is a vile abusive creep.
Stop being nice to him.
Stop accommodating him.

You need to look after yourself and your children.
Forget this sleazy waster.

SussexLass87 · 31/07/2024 09:20

endangeredmum · 31/07/2024 07:17

My Mum didn’t know about the abuse as I had been protecting him and also protecting her up until this weekend. After I came home without him and she asked where he was, it all came out and I told her everything. She was horrified. I didn’t want to tell her as she gets very very stressed when upset.

He had always made me out to be ‘dramatic’, ‘crazy’, ‘unhinged’, ‘intense’ and so up until I saw his behaviour from outside the relationship this weekend, I really, really believed it was all down to what a horrible person I am.

I left the relationship because I thought I was awful. I thought I could be better and so wanted to do a good thing for him by inviting him. And thought it would be great for the kids to see him too as they hadn’t seen him for 3 months.

Thank you so much for all your feedback and help x

I'm so glad you've felt able to talk to your Mum OP - the more people who are able to support you in real life the better! X

turbonerd · 31/07/2024 09:14

I voted yabu simply because you need to protect yourself from him.
Stay well away, be civil, and let him do his own work in maintaining a relationship with the children.

edited for spelling

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2024 08:55

You weren't the problem in your relationship but you're causing yourself issues now, stop playing happy families, no more group events with the ex

Cherrysoup · 31/07/2024 08:50

No idea why you went to all the trouble of offering him to come to the festival/stay at your mum’s. You do not need, as a pp said, to be friends with your abuser, not even for the sake of the dc. Don’t be a doormat and don’t give anything extra.

sixtyandsomething · 31/07/2024 08:46

If he walks you home, then he has to walk back to the festival on his own, after, and he is more likely to be attacked than you are

sixtyandsomething · 31/07/2024 08:45

I think it is quite disrespectful to playing the "I'm soooo tired because I am the mother of your children" card like this. Disrespectful to the children. And I also don't understand why your parents house is so close when talking about how lucky he is to be staying there, and yet a mile away, when you have to walk home alone.

Get a bus or an uber?

sixtyandsomething · 31/07/2024 08:42

but you are not together, so ..........

I dont get what you are complaining about. You are not together, he saw a girl he wanted to talk to, what would you do if you had been with a "friend" in that situation? You would have backed off and given them space, which is what you should have done, straight away

Iaminthefly · 31/07/2024 08:38

He is an abuser who has done a total number on you.

The only communication you need to have is regarding your children. He is not your friend. He is a vile piece of work. In fact your children would probably be better off if he was allowed to drift out of their lives.

Stop trying to be nice to this absolute arsehole.

Kisskiss · 31/07/2024 08:38

The situation sounds strange - your parents putting him up and treating him like he’s still your partner??? Leaving the 2 of you alone to enjoy the festival whilst they take the kids home ( when supposedly the whole point is for him to spend time with the kids) , and you getting upset that he’s flirting with another girl…
it sounds like you still have feelings /hope for something there, which is fine, but be honest with yourself and try and avoid this sort of setting until you are over it

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