to be a SAHM

I study part time with the OU whilst all four are in school Monday to Friday. So I do have something just for me that fits well within school hours term time.

For those who think SAHMs brains turn to mush🤪

I was a SAHM while my DC were pre schoolers, then went back to work when my youngest started school. I enjoyed being a SAHM, but I have to say that going back (part time) has been really good and I do feel happier and more fulfilled now. @Bluepinkgreenyellow you may find that you underestimate how much you miss work!

This in spades.

I know I would regret not spending time with them, rather than not doing more work

See, the way I see this is that if I get to 70 and I've only got the public pension - and maybe I'm missing years from that - like my mum has, I'll be fucked. I don't want to spend my sundown years scrabbling around, not being able to spend the way I want and go where I want because I've got no money. Just a couple of years out can have enormous implications for that.

I mean it's obviously entirely up to you, but as someone who now has teenage children, two of whom were in nursery and one who never went to any childcare setting until school - they don't remember and it really makes no difference so long as they're loved and well looked after. The early years are hard, but I'm now in a senior enough position that I can WFH the whole summer and arrange my work around doing stuff with them (well, within reason!).

If there is one life lesson to be taken from people’s experiences on MN, it is never to give up your career and financial independence to rely on a husband, partner or anyone else. Take after take of women on here who have suffered directly or indirectly by doing this.

It is bad move, OP.

The kids were in school, so it seemed like the right "time". I felt i had too much idle time & a bit lazy. My retired dad also offered to collect the kids from school & bring them home until either I or DH got home, so that made it easier to go back.

It's funny, as after working full-time for several years, I'm now back to being a 'SAHM' (temporarily living overseas, work visa not permitted) & the children are even older, almost finished school, so it's odd. It's taken time to get used to.

At the end of the day, do what is right for your family.

Who cares if others judge you. But I wondered, is there any middle ground like you and your partner both go part time? I don't think it's fair it tends to be mums who sacrifice their careers. I personally wouldn't want to put all that pressure on my DH in being the sole earner, so I'd make sure you get necessary income protection in case he couldn't work. And consider if you buy a property or move property, it will limit your borrowing power, as you'll be a dependent. And keep checking in with each other about it - you don't want your partner to resent being the sole earner, equally, you have every right to try it and dislike it, and want another set up. I've seen friends relationships fail when they haven't done this, and resentment has grown.

Been one for 17 years, and do not regret it one moment. Got 4 DC and each one has needed me in different ways. Two have disabilities which come before a job. Their needs are paramount.

Crack on OP. Don't worry about the rest of society and what they think. It's your life, make the best of it with your family.

@Bluepinkgreenyellow look I will be completely honest, when people both work full time they make it work but you only have to look on here to see how many people are tired, stressed, juggling everything. As a sahm Dh and I felt like we didn't have that. I did work after Ds1 was born so I have juggled work and nursery drop off and pick ups, illness, asking to leave work and then oh it's chicken pox so Dh and I juggled our working days round it.

As a sahm - primary, no rushing from work to get to them, school runs are easy. You have time between picking them up and before dinner to help them learn to read and do their spellings. I did all housework in school hours so I was completely available for the children after school. I batch cooked, used a slow cooker, menu planned and was very organised. No juggling the inevitable half term week or the total 13 weeks of holiday that they have from school. Plus Dh could work slightly late if a meeting ran over, no dashing off to collect children, no having to leave half way through the morning for sick cover.

Secondary, they still need you just in a different way. I was able to oversee homework, guide them to good resources etc. Yes, I know working parents will say the same and Dh was the person to turn to for some subjects and he worked. My youngest is now 18 and academically they both excelled. Dh still says it is the best thing we ever did I think partly because he has never really had to do housework and to be honest who blames him?

Do what you want, it is your life and nobody else’s. I’m a SAHM, I have a degree and a good career but I always knew as soon as I had DC I’d give that up until they started school. I don’t regret it for a second and I will definitely be able to get back into my career in a few years when I want to go back. As long as you’ve thought through the logistics and know the pros and cons then go for what makes you happy.

What are your part time hours OP?

Is your DHs job well paid and safe?

Due to circumstances I was a SAHM. Financially it just gets tighter as the DC get older. My EXDH also felt the responsibility of financially supporting us quite a strain at times.

If I was you I'd speak with work and see what flexibility there is for you. Climbing back on the ladder post 40 is hard work. I had a divorce in the mix too which added more financial difficulties. Taking that time out has set me back probably 10 years in my career development and earning potential...I could have really done with that at times.

I think it's also what you want to provide for your DC as they grow older, for example a family holiday/driving lessons/university support because that's where I am now and it's bloody expensive.

As for the time you will miss when you're at work - they will be busy elsewhere and will love you no less.

Also, if I think about my DCs peers - there seems no difference between those who has a DM around full time and those that didn't...apart from those who had a DM that worked appear to be more financially stable.

I am a sahm and I'm very happy. No plans to return to work and I'm financially independent to not ever need to.

People do judge you and not everyone copes well with that, they like to have a status and their tribe. Being a sahm is quite rare these days and if you live somewhere without a larger number you have to be comfortable in your own company and choices.

I've protected myself well as I have my own unearned income and built up assets though investing so a marriage split wouldn't financially impact me. That was partly though luck and partly having a high risk profile.

Having 4 children I would have opted to be a sham. Luckily I only had 2 and returned to my career.

OP, what anyone else thinks is of no consequence. It’s your life.

I don’t think most people do judge SAHM negatively on the whole.

Nevertheless, I personally roll my eyes at SAHM whose idea it was to stay at home, partly because they hated their admin job, knowing their DH wasn’t massively keen but went along with it to keep her happy. Years later when either partner is no longer happy with the situation, history is rewritten as ‘we agreed together/he wanted me to stay at home/I gave up my big career to facilitate his’ etc etc.

I know a couple of women like this and they forget some people remember how it all started off.

You have to consider the practical points very carefully and yours and your children's financial safety.
I have been a stay at home wife for 20+ years, very fortunate, my husband pays into my pension etc.
No kids.
Think about it and if satisfactory, go for it.

Could you and your DH both both go part-time so you share the childcare and paid work between you? That way you share the “risk” so to speak of one of you struggling to go back to work when the kids go to school or if you split up

This.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What really matters is what you and your husband think. If your husband really values the role of a sahm then you'll find that your family life is generally happy and low stress and everyone feels fulfilled.

My kids are primary school aged now and in some ways I feel like they need me more. Of course you no longer have to feed them, bring them toileting, etc, but you need to help them with homework and navigating friendships, and bringing them to all their extra curriculars, etc. I know you can still do these things as a working mom but for me I look forward to picking them up after school, and they still run towards me and are bursting to tell me about their day. No job is going to make me give that up just yet.

Don't worry about others, do what is right for you. Fwiw I seem to get more judgement than my sahm friends do for being a working parent who has a high level job so at times work away. It depends on circumstances and the circles you're in I think

As everyone else says its up to you.
Although I do think though there is a lot to be said for decent well paid part time jobs which can be like gold dust to find so I would definitely consider that and what coming back to work would look like if you wanted to or needed too.

I was made redundant from my part time role in 2020 and had to go back to full time again in a new role. Thankfully it was covid times, wfh full time was a thing and my youngest was on the cusp of finishing primary school so it was manageable. I'm not sure what it would of have done if I had had to of gone full time earlier and now I'm really glad I stuck at the part time roles as they have all got me in to a job I love and pays enough I can support myself and my children (single parent).

By feeling superior to ‘working parents’ she means ‘mothers’ doesn’t she? I’m sure she sees no problem with her DH working.

@Bluepinkgreenyellow I think the best advice I can give is a whole relationship one, for us we are the priority, mine and Dh's relationship. We are a team, if one of us is tired we tap out, the other one takes over. We treat each other like we have only been dating 6 months instead of almost 30 years. Phones down, look at each other, talk and not just about the children.

I think checking in and asking each other is there anything I can do that would make your life easier? Finances were fine for us as we know each other's spending habits so could trust each other.

For everyone who says you could split up well that also happens to people who work full time or part time too. I am sure if you were to split then you could find another job. I am friends with one other long term sahm, everyone else went back to work at some point. It can be lonely, it is certainly repetitive days but it depends how well you can deal with that over and over and over again.