to be a SAHM

I for one was never perpetually tired and stressed
Also went to all school events
My DH and I shared all the work of running the house and the DC
No way would I have allowed my DH to prioritise his career over mine
Nor would he have tried it
My 1970s feminist mother would have killed me!
Have seen so many women give up work,and never get any sort of career back
All my DC turned out brilliant ,and we are very close

Judged by who? Women who are putting their pre-school dc in daycare from 7 am to 7 pm?

There's more to life that career or academic success.

I personally plan to stay at home with my soon-to-be-born DC and any subsequent ones. My ideal is to at least be at home with them while they are little, but I’m open to being largely away from the workforce for up to two decades if it makes sense for us. My husband and I managed to get into a position that made it possible financially and I’m excited that I get the opportunity.

While everyone likes to talk about the downsides (mostly financial and status), fewer talk about the great benefits of being a SAHM. It’s a life of having time for things. More time to enjoy your children and your life. More time for your husband. More time to take care of the health of your family and yourself (better sleep, better food, better stress levels). More order in your home and mind.

Despite what many like to claim, it is so much better for kids if you are available to them especially while they are babies. It’s a quality of life issue. I don’t want to be perpetually tired, stressed, running from thing to thing and never having peace. I have lived that way in the past and I refuse to do it again because there’s a small chance of financial disaster in the future.

And for someone saying that it sets a bad example to your children: that assumes that professional success is the goal. While it is a valid goal in some circumstances, life is broader than that. For me, success is happy relationships, love, stability and a reasonable pace of life.

You’re taking a risk with your and your children’s financial future. It might pay off & your husband doesn’t die, get ill, turn into an asshole or decide to leave you. Considering how many marriages end in divorce I think you’re crazy to rely on a man financially. Yes having kids does bring extra complexity/ juggling into life but it’s not unsurmountable & much easier than having to try to scrabble to rebuild your life if it doesn’t work out with your marriage.

I love being a sahm- I decided to stay at home when I was pregnant and 10 years later I haven’t gone back and have no plans to.

If anyone is judging I neither notice or care!

Ffs! Posted too soon.

I'm jealous of stay at home mums. I think it's such an incredible thing to be able to do. I have an only so I savoured every moment as much as I could but it still went too quick and I still missed so much. If you can safely do it, I would have! Until the youngest one is 5 or so and then have the wrap around care and the best of both worlds.

I enjoyed working so I suppose that part time at a comfortable level would also be a great way to do it but you only get 10 hallowe'ens and Christmas'. It's gone before you know.

Don't worry about judgement. You'll be judged whichever you choose.

My sixpence for what it's worth.

Is your husband likely to become a Scrooge and you have to ask for money?
Will that pension pot be big enough and what happens if you split.

I've worked full time all the way through and my DD is now 12. I'm jea

I was a SAHM. Was there for every first. Got in to debt as only had DH salary. Was worth it so I could be with DC.

DC were 4 & 6 and I was 39 when I went back to work evenings/nights, in a call centre to fit around DC so I could be there for all day time school events, sports days, helped out on school trips, picked them up if poorly and was able to stay with them until DH got home from work. Lived on a shoestring as my money wasn’t good. Kids had clothes from eBay, no heating on, I still wear 20yr old clothes because I got used to it. They didn’t notice and were happy.

Five years ago (DC were 12 & 13) I started my own business so still fully flexible around DC. Covid meant I wasn’t allowed to work so I was at home with DC for months. Absolutely loved it despite getting £20k in debt as I had no income and still paying off the debt. Never ever regret that time with DC. So valuable.

I’d say senior school years I was needed a lot. Support with exams (DC1 just finished A levels and DC2 yr12 predicted grade exams for uni applications).

Never even entered my head what others thought as I loved being a mum so much, I was doing what I wanted.

Still self employed and have been able to run DC back and forward to study sessions and exams. Taught DC1 to drive (it’s my job). Now DC2 turn.

When DC1 goes to uni DC2 will get annoyed by my constant bothering.

Not everyone can do it financially, but luckily we managed it. Only in the last 6 months has our financial position improved since before we had DC. We always say they never went without food and always had a coat and shoes in the cold and wet. It was all they needed.

My school friends, all graduates, made different choices.

1. SAHM 3 children husband own business - big house. All fine. Went bankrupt. Husband decided he could get bigger pension if she wasn't on annuity. Now he's dead she's in penury.
2. Husband academic career SAHM 4 children. Divorced before current regs. She's in council flat for elderly on Social Security.
3. Husband barely worked. Private income. She ex PT teacher didn't pay into pension SAHM. Divorced. She discovered his income didn't include her as was trust money. Children fine as benefit from trust. She is almost destitute. Depressed.
4. Professional job FT, divorced always worked. Fine financially. Able to help sons with house purchase , education etc.
5. Professional career FT, had 'mother's help', divorced financially fine. Helped children with house purchase, professional training etc.
6. Teacher. Gave up to be SAHM of 3. Husband worked abroad, fell ill , died. She returned to career, Financially OK. Children doing well.

It's difficult to make decisions when you don't know what the future will bring.
I'm not an optimist or rather I prefer to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I don't/didn't want to be poor ever. So, went by my mother's advice. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR JOB. She lived through 2 WWs, World depressions, supported parent with no income, unemployed brother etc.

How optimistic are you about the financial future of this country?

This is how I felt but I was lucky they offered redundancy while I was on mat leave so jumped at the chance!

Now paying my l self a wage and still contributing to the joint account out of my severance money!!

I’ll go back to work once they start school unless something interesting comes up!

I was a SAHM whilst kids were little. Did part time teaching for rubbish money when kids were at primary school and went back to a full time non teaching job when they were at secondary. It felt too mean on my husband to have all the pressure of providing once kids were older. It means the mortgage will be paid off and we'll retire earlier this way, but I don't regret those few years of being at home, it was great!

I was 8 years off work then only pt since, I'm fortunate that my kids could be put first. Only downside is o don't have a huge pension but I have 50% of my ex husbands from divorce and I've saved carefully into isa's etc so my dp and I can retire early. I think not working is fine for people who earn sufficient and are good with money but doesn't suit all

I've been a SAHM, working part time on and off once ds got to school age - and it's the best decision I ever made. I never had any interest in a career from the moment I had DS. Now he's an adult and I'm looking forward to cheap travel outside the school holidays and have lots of plans, no intention of restarting a career or working full time. Do what you want or you'll only have regrets, if I was left with nothing now I still wouldn't regret the last wonderful 18 years.

totally do it but do something else for you one day a week, volunteer, study, anything.

I would never be a SAHP unless I had enough money of my own to cope in the event of a split.

Totally valid point and you can't live your life through your children

It shouldn't be about the judgement from others it's about looking good after your own interests. On there there are loads of posts about the DH or DP having an affair and leaving the mother of the kids high a dry. You hear the words I cannot afford the mortgage/rent/bills. I cannot get a high enough paying job etc. It's not all about the now, you need to look into the future.

Good point and food for thought

Hi OP, I think it's clear that you want to be a SAHM, why are you worried about what other people think?
I worked FT whilst raising my son ( no choice as I was a single parent) and admit that it is far from the ideal but needs must. You are only in your late 30's so have several years of working life ahead if you want to. Won't be long before your kids are both at school . Not sure if you could work PT then if you wanted to.
Everyone is different but irrespective of my partner's/husband's wealth, I could never be financially dependent on anyone. This is influenced by past experience.
I also have friends who have always been SAHMs, irrespective of their children's ages so each to their own. Do whatever works best 4 u

I wouldn't worry about what other people think as everyone has an opinion anyway.

For me what stood out was that it wouldn't be easy to slip back into your career. What do you foresee your life like in 10/20/30/40 years (depending on your age) when dc has grown up. For me my career is part of my identity, and I'm lucky to have a very flexible and well paid role. When dc moves out I'd have hated to not have a my career and have to accept a low paid job.

Personally I've never been and never want to be reliant on another person financially. I like earning and spending my own money.

I think you should it sounds like you want to. Is your job something you could pick back up easily enough?

I work 3 days per week, but for an incredibly understanding employer which helps hugely. I have worked places I'd have wanted to quit.

@Bluepinkgreenyellow

School is harder - pick ups much earlier in the day, less flexibility on the part of the school, lots of school events you'll miss out on if you have no flexibility at work, plus they need help/supervision with homework so you can't just switch off in the evenings. Plus all kinds of hobbies and school clubs. More friendship issues, they just generally need you more!

When they're at nursery, it's just that - home - nursery - home.

Why is it so hard to juggle part time work and nursery? Not being goady. Is it because your DH is leaving it all to you?

Why not use the extra income to put them in nursery for an extra day so you have some time to yourself?

If you have daughters, it's not a very good example to set for them. It's really important for girls to have good role models of professional success.