MIL ignored gift idea

See, no manners.
Perhaps if the relationship with said MiL were better then there would not be a constant friction over gifts. Many older people do not like to give money as a gift, for example, because they think it is mercenary. It also ups the price of the gift, of course, since the giver is now worried they will appear mean.

The giver deserves thanks and respect for intentionally spending and wasting money and time on buying something they have been told that the reviver dose not like or want. And the recipient has to be greatful for the lack of respect shown to them 🤦‍♀️ How about the giver gives the recipient respect by actually buying them something they actually want and will be great full for?

I am not 'that' MiL. But if someone gives my DCs clothes then they wear them, even if only in the house whilst doing their homework. A gift is a gift. To receive one, whatever it is and whether you like it or not, is a privilege and the giver deserves both thanks and respect, for spending their time and their money buying what they think you might like. No-one on here appears to have any manners.

Not a chance either I'd make my kid wear clothes someone else bought her. Money must be growing on trees for people to buy a personal item like teenage clothing without knowing what they'd like. That's not the kids fault.

Of course you're nbu. It doesn't have to be the worst thing ever to have happened for someone to be justifiably annoyed. She should have let you know she wasn't taking your suggestion sooner, that's it.

So you'd punish a 14yo because some one buys them something they don’t like as if it’s her fault the money is being wasted even though the person wasting money and buying the clothes has been told it’s a waste of money!

You really do sound like “that” MIL

I'd have my daughter wear the clothes. Does she think money grows on trees? Do you let DD buy whatever she likes, even if it's inappropriate?

So annoying my MIL used to do this and I'd spend lots of time online looking for things my kids would like and send her a list and then she wouldn't get anything off it and go totally rogue and get inappropriate things the kids wouldn't like/use or were huge and we didn't have room for (6ft teddies for both kids one christmas brilliant 🙄) I started asking her to make sure she got a gift receipt which she did once but after that never did. Despite me telling her to stop buying my daughter clothes (shes nearly 14) as she likes to choose her own and basically never likes what my MIL chooses for her - she still goes ahead and buys clothes she literally just ignores whatever I say even though I'm saying it to stop her wasting her money!! I end up having to either trying to sell them on vinted which I really don't have the time for or taking brand new clothes to the charity shop now I'm just honest and say theres no point in asking me as you'll do whatever you want anyway regardless so she doesn't ask anymore far less stressful but I still end up with the unwanted clothes situation..

She probably thought there would be more than one gift on the list to choose from. Its her money, she doesn't have to spend her money on something she doesn't want to gift. There was 2 items, mum and dad could easily have got those for him. But no its all grandmas fault.

It's not me being antsy about my MiL not buying a present I said she should get for my DC, and then she got something else. I just pointed out that plastics are made from oil - the stuff that comes out of the ground, not sunflower oil etc.
You have pushed a barrel-load of accusations at me about my shopping habits, which, frankly are none of your affair. As it happens I avoid plastics and recycle in shedloads - my house is full of recycled furniture, though I prefer to call most of it Victoriana, some collectibles and some antiques. Ditto, clothing.
And news for you, wood, which is a renewable resource, and books made from paper (which lasts centuries and is also much more biodegradable than any plastic) are much more sustainable than plastics produced by the finite resource of oil. Oil is a finite resource that the planet cannot replace except over thousands of millennia. Every tree cut down for wooden toys/paper can have a replacement planted and if it's pine, will be full size in a generation. You do have some misconceptions about sustainability.
NB I never knowingly buy anything produced by Nestle, since long ago (80s) I pledged not to do so as the company unethically gave free baby milk to mothers in third world hospitals, implying it was better - because modern - than their own milk, and they could leave baby with someone else etc. This led to baby deaths because of the cost of the product for the mothers, once they had finished the free samples, and thus had their milk stop, and also because of the lack of access to clean water and properly sterilized bottles. So, no I do not enjoy either Kitkat (since taken over by Nestles) or any other of their chocolate products.

Why isn't her son on the case ?

"Mum you asked what DS would like, we assumed you would get it so gave other people different suggestions. What's with the book that is too advanced for him ?
Next time please don't bother to ask us."

Mumsnet is not social media, the Dmil is none the wiser about OPs complaints, what with this being an anonymous forum.

It's not like she has gone on FB and complained about it there.

I wonder how superior you are with buying other products.

do you eat/buy chocolate, bread, butter, drink coke, shop at Tescos, Asda, H&M, Nike, Adidas, do you smoke drink alcohol, wear makeup and much more. All these have an adverse impact in the environment some use palm oil by destroying swathes of forests, killing animals, are unethical in many ways from tax avoidance to employment abuse, some still use child Labour, hope your enjoying your kitkat as nestle and kitkats one of the UKs favourite chocolate bars is one of the worse!

We live in an imperfect world, if we are going to get on our high horses about plastic, we should be looking at all aspects of our behaviours.

And, most importantly not all plastic is unsustainable, single use plastic yes I agree should be demolished but plenty of plastic toys are far more sustainable than books or wooden toys,

Your child will survive. Plenty get no presents yet here you are on SM complaining your Mil has chosen not to buy your suggestion but make her own choice. I mean, how bloody dare she !

Yes but often it's the adult with no manners.

Granny buys book that is too hard to read or duplicate present. DC says thank you granny for the lovely present. Granny repeatedly asks DC if they played with it or if Mummy has bothered to read it to you yet, DC is allowed not to lie or keep perpetuating the myth.

It's bit like when visiting DGPs, DS was quite fussy food wise when younger, I taught him to say something like "it looks lovely but I am quite full thanks " but DGF kept pushing and spooning food on his plate when he had already politely declined, then getting arsey when DS didn't eat it.

I think you should be grateful she's getting him anything at all. You sound very entitled, she's buying it so it's her decision if she wants to give him what you suggested or what she wants to get him.
..

Manners are about not offending other people, hence the knife and fork point. Don't offend people by saying 'but I already have one of those granny'. Not a good look. Sorry, but it's not.
Open and honest, yes, to a point. The point being, do not upset grandparents, Aunt Mabel in her tomato hat etc.

I would rather my children were open and honest. There is no harm in saying they already have something. It would be different if they added nasty remarks or were mean about it. Voicing a fact isn't bad manners. Using a knife and fork properly is a completely different scenario. You are missing the fact that they wouldn't be in the situation if the GP listened to the parent in the first place. Why ask if you aren't going to take on board the suggestion?

Would return book get the money and get the toy. Next time just ask her to give him cash so he can choose.

My PIL would never get DS what he wanted as they didn’t approve of it. Even with stuff like Lego, they would’ve bought a box a bricks but they wouldn’t buy a Star Wars set because they didn’t approve of themed Lego!

It is not worth the emotional effort as she will not buy stuff you want her to buy unless she thinks it meets her criteria as well. I’d say keep a list of MIL approved stuff that DC don’t care about but won’t hate and give her things off that (books, safe games, jigsaws etc) and be prepared to charity shop it.

When my DS was 8 he got a monogrammed hand towel for his birthday from PIL because they thought that would be useful & he already had enough stuff and they didn’t approve of the book token idea I suggested. I still carry a lot of anger about their treatment of him in this way.

Others have suggested this but I would always buy the best suggestions myself, if its the most important thing then it makes sure they get it.

My experience is people ask to get a generic answer of she loves Moana or he really likes making things from clay. What they like less is he has asked for a toy squirel from Hamleys.

The reason is people like choosing, they sometimes worry they aren't the only person you have told and might end up doubles. And sometimes people make moral judgements not liking plastic or prefer something witb an educational basis.

By keeping it generic you allow people the opportunity to still apply these principles to a theme you have given them.

touchy topic here

MIL rang to ask what dd14 would like for her birthday, gave her a run down of what she is into
Her 'gift' arrives a few days out from her birthday - no drama, australia post suck, we live interstate

dd 14 opens it and its a pair of denim short shorts and a mesh/singlet top combo, her face just dropped, gutted.
She does not wear denim short shorts or singlet tops. She a gamer who lives in long basketball shorts and tshirts - MIL knows this, clothes wernt even on the suggestion list. It came off to her as her Nana dont know or even care about what she is into

Me and Dh quickly said MIL had also sent us some money to take her shopping which cheered her up

When Dh spoke to her, it was deliberate cos she thinks dd needs to branch out and be 'more girly'
I left the room to avoid causing WW3 on the phone

So to me YANBU, dont ask for suggestions to only ignore them and get something completely useless or irrelevant

It won’t hurt him to know that he doesn’t always get what he wants. Kids should be taught to be grateful for any gift well meant and you can’t dictate what people will buy.

My MIL (who is generally lovely BTW) was notorious when the DCs were little, for asking for suggestions and then buying loads of tatt up to or over the value of the desired thing. For example DS wanted £30 Lego item, MIL would purchase a sack full of random unrelated toys and books worth £50. She very much equates quantity of gifts with how much she loves you (likewise the bigger the card and the more mawkish the poem inside the more she holds you in high regard). She grew up very poor and I think her approach to gifts is rooted in her upbringing. She also loathes recieving gifts she considers cost too much as she is not worthy and often offers to give us money towards what we have given (which also drives me mad). BUT as she is a generally lovely human we just try and view this as a charming quirk. I just bundled up the unwanted stuff and regifted it as party presents and bought the kids the thing they wanted.

I like this idea of using birthday money. My son always loves going to buy a treat with birthday vouchers! Very annoying though and next time she asks for a suggestion just refer back to this year, and say ‘Just get whatever you think please as you didn’t approve of what I suggested last time’