Adult children having partners overnight

You and she have very different ideas about relationships, neither of you are right or wrong. It's up to each person to navigate them as they please as long as they are safe and hurt no one. Neither of you should really be trying to impose your own values on the other. So you need to stop with the disapproving undertone and she needs to stop with the sex positivity lectures. It's personal and you don't need agreement. What you do need however when conflicting attitudes collide is compromise (not really possible here as he stays or he doesn't!) Or one of you to give way. In this case, I think for a variety of reasons, it should be you. You will be putting a huge dampener on her summer if you say no. You are presumably the one with the greatest stake because you want her home whereas she will no doubt have other options. So it's in your interests to facilitate her enjoying being at home. Obviously there are limits, you don't agree to anything just to keep her happy, but this is a big deal for her which with house rules shouldn't impact you, so I would agree.

It isn't a matter of morals, more of property rights.

I think you need to draw a distinction between it being her body, her choice and your home, your boundaries.

Its hardly slut shaming if really you are saying you don’t let men you both barely know into the home. If she moves out, stays with a friend or goes to a hotel she can do as she wishes.

My daughter is strong willed and If I were in that situation and I said no to my daughter, she would end up going to stay with him often and I would see her less. I would prefer her under my roof in this situation. I would have to make a judgement call on the lesser of the two evils.

Unless she's paying 50% of the bills and is living and contributing to all household requirements equally with room mate status, she doesn't have an equal say regarding how the household runs. My kids are welcome in my home for as long as they need or want but they don't get to choose the terms. If they want equal rights, they pay equal bills and do equal housework.

Tip for discouraging your children bringing very new partners over… paint your hallway orange!

I painted mine that colour years ago and it wasn’t a nice orange and needs changing. My children have been so embarrassed by the colour they only bring boyfriends over once they have got to know them well and I’ve already met them elsewhere.

I have delayed repainting… 😜

More seriously I have always allowed them to bring boyfriends over to stay as we are very rural so limited other places to stay and someone always has a commute. We have a busy full house so they don’t get much privacy away (shared room with stud wall).

This is absolutely how I'd feel.

When DS1 got to that age our rule was that only people we have met can stay over. That includes female and male (eg friends we'd never met). I don't want to get up in the night to use the loo and bump into some randomer on the landing!!

My way of thinking is it is also the daughter's home and I guess it just tells her you don't trust her judgement if she isn't allowed to bring people back to stay. I would prefer to meet him before he stayed over rather than them coming back home after they have been out and the first time being at the breakfast table. But OP says she has met him already so he isn't a total random stranger but someone her daughter trusts and likes.

I would be mortified if my parents knew I was having sex and with whom and when.
It is almost as if they need their parents to know.
When my brother's girlfriend slept over it was because she was visiting my sister and shared a room with her.
Some good advice about maintaining your boundaries here OP.
Your home is not a flop house. However you do seem to have established a precedent with her sisters boyfriends.

No, your house your rules.

She sounds rather spoilt and entitled.
This is your house and you are not having random strangers staying in it.
If she is so grown up they can pay for a hotel and she can live her grown up life 24/7 there.
Your house, your rules.
Don't argue with her. No is the answer.

I would not want strange people in my home.

Im sure two consenting adults are capable of finding a safe space to have sex in. (E.g his place or a hotel) Don’t try and guilt trip the OP into allowing this man to stay overnight in her home.

@Treesnbirds Yes, they’re young adults living for free in their parent’s homes over the summer. So the parents make the house rules!

My DD can do what she likes once she moves into her apartment (sharing with friends) in a few weeks or they can go to a hotel in the meantime. Or his parents can host her.

But we’re not ready to host a 20-year-old whom we don’t know and it’s our house.

She is. He isn’t a long term partner so why would you want him in your space. Just tell her you are delighted for her to have all the sex with all the people she likes - but you don’t want to look at her summer fling over your smoothie. Slut shaming my arse, she is being a stroppy teen, just be firm.

She's a teenager, very barely a legal adult. She's not self-supporting and she doesn't run her own household.

It's not a boyfriend after six dates.

Whatever happened to having standards?

Nope.

No reason you should put up with randos and strangers. Let her get her own place if she wants that.

Pathetic that she thinks a few dates merits shagging guys under her mother's roof. She needs to work on her self respect and not be so desperate to please them.

Similar situation here, my DD (19) finished her first year of uni and started seeing someone over the summer. They’ve been out about about five times, I think. They also met through mutual friends.

I don’t think I’d be comfortable with him staying over yet and DH absolutely wouldn’t, I’ve barely spoken to him so far. If their relationship continues, that’s different.

If they decide to have a weekend away in a hotel of course, that’s up to them. But we’re not quite ready to host him. I don’t know whether that’s old-fashioned/uptight or what, but that’s how we feel right now. 🤷

She's not in a relationship, it's a (currently) casual fling, and you're not comfortable having a shagging partner in your house- fair. She needs to respect that, and it's not up to you to compromise- she's in your house for the summer. Sue can have sex with who she wants when she wants when she goes back, but she should be accepting no from you. Why isn't she going to stay at his parents? Why are you expected to be the one who compromises?

They've been seeing each other for 6 weeks,6 or 7 dates, friends in common, so it's not a carousel of unknown men visiting, it's your daughters boyfriend.

i would say yes to him staying over -I think YABU to refuse on the grounds that you don't think it will last.

I have a 19 year old and am finding it hard to navigate this too. I do very much feel that it’s our house and our DC should respect our wishes but I also don’t want to alienate them and I want them to feel safe in their own home. DS has been seeing his GF a few months and she stays occasionally and he also stays over at her house. He knows that we expect him to be respectful Nd he always asks if we mind her staying over.
i moved out and bought my first house when i was 19. Life was so different back then!!