Adult children having partners overnight

My Dad didn't want me and my boyfriend staying over at my parents house and sharing a bed for one night, after a long drive back from the airport. I was 32!!! 🤣🤣 My Mum had to have words with him!! I can see both sides to be honest, on one hand your daughter has been living independently for a year, whilst away at University but on the other you are uncomfortable and it's still your house. If you are really unhappy about a stranger staying in your home, then you have to say No.

Do whatever feels right to you, @Tempnamechanger53 , there isn’t a wrong answer.

But don’t let yourself be bullied either. It’s your house and you do what feels comfortable to you. 💐

Could you give him a spare room?

Always much more fun sneaking across the hall!

@wellington77 How is it controlling? Doesn’t the OP get to decide what happens in her own house? If she asks people to take their shoes off in the hall, for example, should they argue with her about it?!

Part of being an adult is respecting other adults’ boundaries and if they seem old-fashioned to you, so be it. You can behave differently in your own house.

Is she really slut shaming her DD though, @Spirallingdownwards , or stating her house rules?

This situation isn’t really comparable to yours that Christmas, as you genuinely didn’t have anywhere to go without getting on a plane. Hosting you in that instance would’ve been the kind thing to do and I think that most people would, albeit you’d be staying in the spare room (at least in my parent’s house).

This isn’t that type of exceptional situation though and the OP has made her house rules.

I'd be fine with this so I think YABU.

I’m 34 and sorry but you seem rather old fashioned. It’s hardly a one night stand now that she’s seen him 7 times, your limiting her future with this guy if you don’t allow it as what she going to have to do is either go round his or go to a hotel to have sex, all rather unnecessary and you will just breed resentment. If she’s living in your house and she’s a grown up , let her live her life as a grown up or if you don’t like it tell her to find her own place because as she’s now an adult you can’t control her sex life/ relationships, bit weird and controlling at her age for you to do that.

If she is slut shaming her you don't see how that may affect her relationship? You don't see how she may potentially always remember how her parents wouldn't let her partner stay so therefore she had to go to the expense of a hotel room. My ex MIL didn't let me stay over at the age of 19 in Christmas Eve even though my family lived abroad because it was family only. Believe me even when I was married for 15 years I didn't stay and when she asked why not one time. I told her it was family only.

She needs to take care in the manner she expresses her refusal so as not to permanently damage the relationship

@Spirallingdownwards Tbh, I’m surprised that her DD is arguing about this and saying that she’s being slut shamed, it implies a lack of respect for her Mum.

Neither my DH and nor I were allowed to have partners stay until we were in established relationships. It never occurred to us to argue about it with our parents, because we respected their house rules. Decades later, it hasn’t damaged our relationships nor made us not want to see them. Why would it?

I have 2 who have their own homes with their partners and can say exactly the same. I also gave one adult son at home whose visitors are always welcome in my home because I love him and trust his judgment.

Different strokes for different folks. The adult daughter in this case is already falling out with her mother and has said that the mother is slut shaming her. If she is making her daughter feel this way then the mother shouldn't be surprised in future if she isn't as welcome as we both are.

Usually I would say no as it's not her bf. He can come round but not stay over. However I see you say he lives a fair distance away so I'd probably allow it in these circumstances.

It's a really tricky question, I think. I broadly agree with this: My kids are welcome in my home for as long as they need or want but they don't get to choose the terms from* *@IneedAbiggerWindchime and I say that as someone who currently has 2 grown-up, post-university DCs living at home.

There are definitely some house 'rules', whether bringing a boy/girlfriend back overnight was outside those rules would depend on the individual circumstances, I think. If the relationship had only been a few weeks but my DC was clearly serious about it and was expecting it to become something more than casual, I would be OK with it, particularly if they were introduced to me properly (ie not just in passing); if my DC said quite honestly that it was a summer fling and was not something they saw lasting very long, then I'm not sure I'd be facilitating that. This would apply to both my DS and my DD.

And your preference is absolutely fine.

I just thought it was a bit strange how you implied the best place for an adult to have sex would be in their parents home. So just wondered what your thoughts were when the OP’s DD were to return to university accommodation and if she would be safe to have sex there, that’s all. Not picking away.

Honestly, you do seem to want to pick away at this one.

I said what my preference would be.

Other preferences are available.

I guess, but it’s not a constant stream is it? This is the first time she’s asked? My dd is 23yo lives at home, she’s had 3 guys back here since she was 16/17yo. The first time I’ve met two of them have been at breakfast 😁.

Dd is an adult and from my pov it’s also DDs home. She can’t afford her own house like I could at her age. But I don’t want her to feel like a child still.

And what about when she returns to university accommodation in just over a month?

Will she be unsafe there too? Do you think she should travel back home to OP whenever she wants to have sex?

Your house your rules.

If she doesn’t like it she will probably just not visit as much.

Who's unsafe in a hotel??

I wouldn't have wanted to have sex anywhere near my parents. It's pretty crass.

No guilt trip. Just my preference.

A young woman is safer in her family home than in a hotel or the home of a new man.

I am very welcome in the homes of my grown children who have left home on a frequent basis. I respect their preferences for their home the same way they respect my preferences for mine.

I also have three adult children at home who are quite happy and in no rush to leave. See if you can say the same later?

And possibly one fsy you won't be welcome in their homes because they will remember that they weren't treated as a responsible adult by their parent.

Property rights...DD can do as she likes, she is an adult etc. If she wishes, she can go dogging and have sex with 10 or 15 people a day. All you need to object to is the fact that she wants any of them to sleep in your house.

Presumably you paid for the house, so you can choose who stays there. DD could go off play tennis all day of she wants, but that doesn't mean she has the right to have her tennis partner staying over in your house.

They could be mentally ill, a drug abuser, a habitual thief, a narcissist. Or they could be the nicest person ever. But before you have them staying in your house, surely you should meet them first? Your DD needs advising that this one of the points about being an adult is that you get to make choices, and your choices are being made as the property owner.

For me, with my now 24 yo DD it was the my relationship with their partners that was important. I didn't want people I didn't know that well, yes made worse as they're men, in my home. Our rule is we meet them first, they come for a cuppa - while we're watching TV it's relaxed! If we feel comfy then they can stay over. But no randoms.

She did say on a couple of occasions that she felt uncomfortable asking them for tea, well in that case you are not at the right place to shag them in our home.

Your house, your rules. If you're not comfortable then it's a no. If she's such an adult she can get her own house or book a hotel.