Adult children having partners overnight

I held the line with my older daughters, now with the youngest.
Put simply. This is our home and sanctuary. We are not going to share it with your boyfriend. At Uni, you can do what you like. Quite right. That is your private life and sanctuary.

I honestly don’t see this as a big issue and certainly not one that would alienate a parent/adult child. Have the bf to stay or don’t have the bf to stay-different families will have different responses.

I do think the OP is clear it’s more about someone she doesn’t know staying in her house which I understand.

I have a daughter the same age but she is in a same sex relationship and I think maybe this makes a difference. I am quite an open minded person and never had an issue with her partners staying over. I may have felt different if it was a boyfriend though and having a male stranger in my house?

At the end of the day it is your home and only you know what makes you feel
comfortable and she does need to respect that

It takes two to have an argument; stop having it. Don't engage. It's your house and you don't have to have anyone you haven't invited staying in it. You don't have to make decisions like that based on who's "good at arguing". Stop being a doormat.

I think it would be different if she were bringing different men home frequently but she isn't. And they may not be discussing the long term plan at the moment but that's part of the fun of young love and getting swept up in it. Who knows what's going to happen.

Personally I'd allow it, on the basis that it's just him and not a load of other guys. I'd much prefer it to happen under my roof, knowing my daughter is safe than feeling she has to sneak about. And it sounds like she's quite open in talking to you about this stuff which is great and you should encourage. For what it's worth, my folks always allowed me to live fairly freely but within certain rules, and because they gave me the respect of making my own decisions (to some extent) I never felt the need to go off the rails etc, whereas friends with stricter upbringings did.

My 2 elder dd were not allowed to sleep in the same room as their partners at my parents until they were married. They respected it. I would have similar rules though might allow a long term partner (youngest dd is 16) but we dont really have the space for extra bodies.

I was living with my bf but we were not allowed to sleep in the sane room until we married in 1990.

If you were someone who was in principle against all partners staying over or she was bringing home entirely casual partners/one night stands you’d have a point. But if it’s someone she’s seeing I’d let him stay. Otherwise you’re effectively declaring how long or serious a relationship should be before it’s suitable to have sex.

Randoms coming home from the pub/club at the spur of the moment- not a chance.

Someone who is not necessarily a long term relationship but is clearly a friend, you know and have met them- possibly yes I would allow it. I would have rules around being respectful though. No wandering around in boxers/underwear, keep the…er….noise down and you’d like to know in advance that they are going to be staying, just a text will do.

I didn’t want marriage. Everyone in my family had divorced: grandparents , parents, sibling, cousins, uncles so I didn’t see the point. My oh and I lived together , had children, but still had to have separate rooms when visiting his relatives 🤣

YABVU. I can’t imagine sticking my nose in an adult daughters business like this. She is right. Are you going to try and remotely police her life when she is away at Uni again? That is absurd.

The one thing I will say is that you don’t have to invite anyone to stay in your home that you aren’t comfortable with. But your reasoning is just a bit off on this one.

I can see where you are coming from. When I was 19-22 coming home from uni, my boyfriend stayed over as he lived over an hr away but it's not like we were having loud sex every night or anything. It was also a good time for parents to get to know him. If they've had a few dates for a while and you get to know more about him and feel safe having him there, fine. But do not feel pressured by her either. Explain your concerns about feeling comfortable/safe in your own home. It is your home, your rules but hoe would she feel if it was reversed and you had dated a guy this long and had him over while she was there? I'm sure you can approach the conversation as adults. If she can't have the conversation as an adult then she probably shouldn't be having him over.

Sorry but fair enough you have a house and are welcoming but it sounds like YOU are being manipulated against your better judgement. Yiu maybe think its wrong. Sorry but when I was a married woman visiting my parents I could not in a million years shack up in same room and get it on in my parents house; you are being taken for a ride. Tell em to get a hotel if thats all they want.Surely your daughters worth it?????

I guess I’ve always trusted my daughter’s judgement in friends and men that she wouldn’t bring anyone back who would likely steal or hurt me/her in some way. Maybe that’s naivety and I get that people can hide their true selves well.

But look at the two daughters and mother who were recently killed by one of the boyfriends, I believe he was a long term boyfriend, so i don’t know at what stage you ever can truly think you know someone.

I must admit I like my own space, I’d rather someone who wasn’t family wasn’t here. Especially in the early days when I don’t know them that well and I feel the house has to be spotless and I can’t be in my PJs at 6pm! 😁

I dated my now Husband for 8 years before we married. My parents are very traditional and wouldn’t let us sleep in the same room at their house until we were married. We lived together, bought a house, had a mortgage, were in our late twenties! But I respected that in their home it was their rules.

Your rules stand. If she doesn’t like it then she can pay for a hotel.

We're talking about two grown adults!

@NChange10

why would not being able to have this guy sleep over at her parents house alienate her? I’m sure the relationship between op and her daughter isn’t so tenuous that that would happen.

I wouldn't alienate your daughter. If it was a girl sleeping over would you be upset? Probably not.
Trust her.

My children's visitors are always welcome in my home but I'm not having a steady stream of men staying the night in my home, especially when I don't know them. In this case, the daughter is failing to show any consideration for her mother's concerns and sense of security, which is really thoughtless of her.

I do understand what you mean when you say you trust your child's judgement. So you only have three kids. I have a bit more than that and it's only ever one child I had to put my foot down regarding overnight visitors for. Maybe the difference was that she was not showing such good judgement and wanting thing that I didn't think were safe for the household, including younger children. Otherwise I'd never have faced that issue myself, or had to take a stand on it because the rest, it has been easy to trust their judgement and their conduct has been easy.

If OP isn't welcome in her DD's home in future, it might say more about the DD who is showing an uncaring and selfish attitude. "I want and don't care how you feel." Hopefully she outgrows it.

Tell her she can have any kind* of sex she likes with her boyfriend if she does it elsewhere and leaves your home out of it.*

And this!

This!

I have a pretty large house, multiple bathrooms and would absolutely NOT be ok with sharing my home with a strange man. I just wouldn’t.

And along with the no slut shaming etc also comes the ‘no is a complete sentence’.

You shouldn’t judge her on how quickly she has sex with someone, but she also shouldn’t emotionally blackmail you into pretending you’re comfortable with an adult stranger of the opposite sex staying in your home if you’re actual not.

You are perfectly entitled to just say no.

I think it's absolutely fine to stay over
It's her choice. Would you rather she slept over at guys houses? That's more dangerous. You risk that by refusing.

This.

I'm a bit the same, @IneedAbiggerWindchime

We've only one 18 year old at home currently (youngest DS) and it took a while for me to let his gf stay over. He spent a long time denying they were dating - 'she's not my girlfriend' whilst stopping at her place - her parents are clearly 'cooler' than me. Finally introduced me briefly, 5 mins before they were going out and then texted later to say 'Can she stay the night?'.

Nope. I need to know someone better than a 5 min conversation in my hall earlier that evening. This is my sanctuary and I only want people I know fairly well here when I'm asleep. Male or female.

She was allowed to stay once I knew her much better and they seemed to be actually exclusively dating.

I think the key is that I refuse to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. And bringing home a random shag for the night would make me feel uncomfortable.