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Original poster

Huge fight with LDR partner. Is this relationship ending?

61 replies

CallyT · 29/07/2024 19:19

My partner and I live three hours apart due to his job. We met in my city and then he moved. We've been together a year. For the record he is on the spectrum and doesn't make friends easily.

So we currently can't see each other until next month or so I thought (as he is going to a wedding abroad and I couldn't go).

He calls me tonight and casually mentions he will be in my city on Thursday and Friday to spend time with a new colleague. Digging further this is a woman he just met through work last week (she lives on another continent). He plans to show her round, have dinner and take her to a gallery. He then said he hoped to squeeze in seeing me!!

Well I lost it. Asked how he could be considering coming to my city and not see me and was he going on a date?

It took a really long time for him to say it was just friendly networking and that he told her he had a partner. I could not believe he was seriously considering wining and dining her and not seeing me.

So now he is going to see me but it has opened a conversation. He says he wants to be able to make new female friends and not be controlled. I said I won't be making new male friends

We have been very happy and I'm honestly stunned by this. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 29/07/2024 22:45

I'd feel disappointed to learn he was seeing anyone, male or female, and didn't want to make plans to see me too. Squeezing me in doesn't count as making plans.

He's not prioritising you. He's not that fussed about seeing you. That hurts.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 22:29

@SoYoung he did and didn't. Yes he told me and people with autism are usually very honest. This is in line with him being an honest guy in general.

However he did not tell me the sex of said person, it was a lot of 'they' until I asked for more info. From that pov trying to avoid saying it was a woman I think

Yes I specifically said I felt this shows a lack of empathy for me. I am thinking about all these things. Head is spinning.

OP posts:
SoYoung · 29/07/2024 22:17

Yeah, this is red flags a go go. The fact that he felt able to so openly tell you about this is worrying. What kind of supportive, empathetic partner is he going to be going forward if he has so little regard for your feelings? What kind of father? Things to think about.

Createausername1970 · 29/07/2024 22:06

CallyT · 29/07/2024 21:51

@Createausername1970 I don't think he is or was intending to sleep with her. I trust him in that regard.

But I am upset by the fact he has felt such a pull to this person that he would go to this effort. So yes I do wonder if he has felt the spark and is now pursuing it.

Usually he is lovely and I have been happier with him than any previous partner now I'm early 30s.

But I cannot pretend to be ok with this sort of thing or bury my feelings when I'm really not.

Edited

If he hadn't given you cause for concern previously, then don't do anything rash. Let him know you found this difficult and you need to talk it through.

You said he has difficulty making friends, and tends to have female rather than male friends. My ND son is 22 and that applies to him.

I obviously can't say for sure either way, but I would edge more to your boyfriend being ND thoughtless, rather than he has lost the spark.

As I said, he may be your soulmate and a lovely partner - but there will probably be a few incidents along the way that you will be very annoyed about, that he needs to have explained to him.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 21:53

Because before today he never gave me a reason to doubt and had continually demonstrated intent on our relationship @Letsgocamping67

OP posts:
Letsgocamping67 · 29/07/2024 21:52

Why oh why are you contemplating having DC with this man.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 21:51

@Createausername1970 I don't think he is or was intending to sleep with her. I trust him in that regard.

But I am upset by the fact he has felt such a pull to this person that he would go to this effort. So yes I do wonder if he has felt the spark and is now pursuing it.

Usually he is lovely and I have been happier with him than any previous partner now I'm early 30s.

But I cannot pretend to be ok with this sort of thing or bury my feelings when I'm really not.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/07/2024 21:43

MrsPinkSky · 29/07/2024 21:24

I said I won't be making new male friends

Ok, but what does that have to do with anything?

Yes to this.

He's not your mirror image.

Createausername1970 · 29/07/2024 21:33

lavenderlou · 29/07/2024 20:11

I think the fact that you said he has autism is relevant here. It sounds to me like he is lacking in communication and relationship skills rather than that he is intending to be unfaithful. Now that you have pointed out that the situation isn't working for you, has he offered to change anything to rectify things? Eg, spend a couple of hours showing the colleague round then spending the rest of the time with you?

However, as someone who has a number of family members with autism, this is unlikely to be the last time he acts in a way that you consider thoughtless. He might be able to improve with some help and guidance from you, but you probably need to consider whether that's something that would work for you in a relationship.

This is my take on it.

You said he casually mentioned it, so he wasn't trying to hide what he was doing, just didn't think it through.

A friend has a husband who has very recently, at the age of 55, been diagnosed with Autism and he could be massively selfish at times - not because he was just thinking of himself, but because he hadn't thought about it from her point of view.

Usually, once prompted, he could see where he had gone wrong. And most of the the time he was lovely and did/does mean well, just gets it a bit wrong sometimes.

She had the patience of a saint, plus he was under her nose. You have an LDR, which is hard at the best of times.

Really, how much do you like this person? Do you genuinely feel there was a sexual motive behind his actions, or just thoughtless? If you think on balance he was thoughtless, then have you got the capacity to deal with it on an ongoing basis, as it probably won't be the last incident to annoy you.

MrsPinkSky · 29/07/2024 21:24

I said I won't be making new male friends

Ok, but what does that have to do with anything?

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 21:24

I am due to meet his parents soon. We had started talking about marriage and children. I have told all the major people in my life we are a serious item and he's met my parents.

I don't understand.

OP posts:
Fathomless · 29/07/2024 21:23

a year in he should be making this sort of effort only for YOU.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 29/07/2024 21:22

This is just...no. Just no. This would be the absolute end for me.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 21:21

@something2say just two weeks ago he did travel a similar distance to see me. He was working far away and travelling all day to reach me then stayed a week.

Every sign showed that he was serious and loved me. I am just stunned at the moment.

I don't even believe he is planning to cheat, I genuinely think he doesn't get (autism) or feel as I do.

OP posts:
something2say · 29/07/2024 21:17

I wouldn't take anything from what he says now; I would take everything from his actions.

He would come to your city and not see you. That means he may be lukewarm about his feelings towards you.

You don't need to know anything more really - my feeling is, your future husband would drive nine hours to see you for one hour, and take you with him if he moved jobs - this level of lukewarm love is not good enough and you should not settle, now that it has made itself known.

I am sorry - but in the long run it will be a good thing that you haven't wasted anymore time here.

Original poster
CallyT · 29/07/2024 20:25

She flies back to Indonesia at the weekend. So it is a temporary situation.

He said he has always had more female friends and struggled with male friendships.

I am just in a state of utter shock that he would come all this way and suggest he would squeeze me in. He then said he didn't want to impose as he knew I was busy. Logic does not make sense.

Usually he is very empathetic so I'm genuinely very shocked by this.

OP posts:
lavenderlou · 29/07/2024 20:11

I think the fact that you said he has autism is relevant here. It sounds to me like he is lacking in communication and relationship skills rather than that he is intending to be unfaithful. Now that you have pointed out that the situation isn't working for you, has he offered to change anything to rectify things? Eg, spend a couple of hours showing the colleague round then spending the rest of the time with you?

However, as someone who has a number of family members with autism, this is unlikely to be the last time he acts in a way that you consider thoughtless. He might be able to improve with some help and guidance from you, but you probably need to consider whether that's something that would work for you in a relationship.

Uricon2 · 29/07/2024 20:02

Nothing wrong with making new friends, but travelling to your LD partners city to wine/dine and show another woman a nice time while not planning to see LD partner (and not liking being called out) tells me this relationship is absolutely dead in the water. Sorry OP.

Soontobe60 · 29/07/2024 20:01

How long did you live together before he moved to a different city?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2024 19:59

RedHelenB · 29/07/2024 19:58

I don't see the problem, she's a new colleague a long way from home, why shouldn't he be friendly towards her?

Oh FFS.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/07/2024 19:59

You say he struggles to make friends. Surely it could be good for him to have some? I wouldn't say it's a date, just that he's meeting a friend. If they were male would it be ok? Unless you genuinely think he wants to cheat with her...
But I can see it's not going to work if your values around opposite sex friendships don't match up.

RedHelenB · 29/07/2024 19:58

I don't see the problem, she's a new colleague a long way from home, why shouldn't he be friendly towards her?

soscarlet · 29/07/2024 19:58

I don’t understand the heterosexual thing of not having friends of the opposite sex. Surely it’s a good thing if your partner can have friends of the opposite sex - it shows they don’t view your sex as only for sex… but that’s not what this is, and this bloke trying to wail about being “controlled” and not being allowed to have friends is a distraction technique.

He can’t be bothered to travel to see you, but can for this person. To me it wouldn’t matter if it was a male or female friend, it’s that the relationship isn’t being prioritised. It feels very “he’ll see you if he has time”. Don’t let anyone leave you hanging, end it now.

something2say · 29/07/2024 19:57

This is not 'ten out of ten' behaviour from him towards you is it? My partner would never come here and not see me. Never. You can do better. I'm really sorry xxx

fdsgfd · 29/07/2024 19:56

He can have new friends (male and female).

He shouldn't want to prioritise travelling 3 hrs to YOUR home city to spend time with someone he has just met. If he was committed to you he'd be making that journey to see you.

Throw him back

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