Huge fight with LDR partner. Is this relationship ending?

Your feelings are totally valid, I would have been very hurt and upset too.

From the advantage of being a lot older, and having been round the block and back again a few times, I think that, possibly, because he does feel secure in the relationship with you that he thought this was OK.

I have done a few stupid things over the years, and assumed DH would be OK about it, and just not thought it through. Because I knew it was all good from my point of view, I just didn't think to run it past him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

If everything else is good, then give him the benefit of doubt and talk it through. Listen to what he has to say and put your point of view rationally.

🙂

What is the long-term plan, btw? Were you intending to carry on being long distance once married or was one of you going to move? Who was doing the moving? Is he likely to ask you to move again, to be a trailing spouse. Is that what you want?

Found out!

It's over. No man ( autistic or not) decides to see another woman when he could be seeing the woman he loves.She's found out about you and cancelled.

He's trying to keep you on side until he finds someone better. He's just not that into you. Look elsewhere. You're wasting your time with him.

That's a good step.

At least you will be able to talk to him in person.

Get it straight in your head what you want to say, what upset you and why. Say it out loud to yourself a few times. Calm some of the emotions you are currently feeling, as these types of conversations go better if they are not emotion-fuelled.

I hope you sort it out 🙂

Nah, that all sounds a bit suspicious, especially as he didn't volunteer the information - you had to dig a bit. At best he is taking you for granted, at worst he is just not that into you and keeping you on back burner.

He can't see you for a month yet he can make time to wine and dine a new female colleague. As she's new to the country he could have invited her to join you both for dinner - another female may have made her feel more comfortable, but he didn't.

Please don’t be played OP.

On the generous side of interpretation, could it be that he volunteered to take this person to your city, realised it wasn't quite the right thing to do, hid it a bit and now doesn't feel he can back down on this occasion as it's all arranged.

Just a thought.

I mean nothing about this seems terribly sensible or in line with what you think you know about him, and it's not the kind of thing you can discuss on the phone easily. I don't know, I'd be very very annoyed by this, and it wouldn't be ok for me for the future either. Perhaps he has just stuffed up and now is finding it difficult to back out.

It's good you are getting to know him better- even if it isn't what you want to hear or see. That's how you get to know whether it would work longterm or when kids arrive. It really is the test of how you get on over months, years and during problems that shows you who someone is.

It might yet turn out ok, I am usually very sceptical of such stories but I do wonder here if he's done something stupid (I mean the plan, nothing with this lady as yet) and is now rather stuck because you've called it out.

He's making an awful lot of effort for a woman he's just met

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine. Prioritising time with them over you on the one weekend in a month when he’s going to be in the same city as you is not fine. It would also not be fine if it was a male friend, in fact, because he would be putting them before you. You are in a long distance relationship and he has all the bloody time in the world to socialise with friends in his own city when you’re not around; it’s really shitty for him to make a point of doing that on your bloody doorstep instead of spending some rare time with you.

I was in an LDR when I was much younger and my ex used to pull this sort of stunt all the time. It’s basically an unpleasant, humiliating power play designed to show you that he’s the one controlling the relationship.

The thing is though- the OP did say, that's not ok behaviour, and he said tough, I want to make new female friends and stay in cities with them and take them out, so that's the deal. If it was all to do with his lack of understanding of social norms, then surely he'd be worried he was doing the wrong thing, as it is he's asserted his right to continue, even when the OP has said she doesn't think this is normal behaviour. Going to professional events is normal, drinks with other colleagues, normal, going off the two of them on a weekend trip and hiding you are going with a woman, not normal.

Have you made arrangements so that you will be seeing him for longer? I wouldn't make any decisions until you've had a chance to talk to him in a calmer environment. Then you can explain how you feel and see how he responds.

Making a new friend would be something like having a coffee with them one lunchtime, not being so overfriendly you travel three hours to take them out and show them round a new city and go for dinner with them- at the very least this is unprofessional and doesn't set clear boundaries for the other person. I socialise a lot with work and this would not be something I would expect when I visited another country at all, a dinner, partners invited, yes, but not a weekend of trips out with this colleague at a long distance from the original place they had met, it's not even like he said I'll show you the sites in his original city!

I think your antenna are up for a reason, he's making a lot of excuses of why he can't visit and all of a sudden he can. He's hidden the sex of the person. He's left it weeks and weeks to see you.

I think he's being honest because you asked directly, he may not even know himself what he's up to, but it's not professional or sensible behaviour.

It must be very upsetting to hear all this when you have been talking about parents meeting and marriage but it's better to know he has very different views of acceptable friendships to you and that most likely is a deal-breaker.

Yes I specifically said I felt this shows a lack of empathy for me.

I hope you don't mind my asking but have you got much background information about autism? Lack of empathy is an inherently autistic trait. I don't think you can judge a lack of empathy in an autistic person in the same way you can a neurotypical person. It's not about being inherently selfish, it's just a part of the autistic brain that often doesn't work in the same way. I'm not saying that you have to be ok with that - it might be that being in a relationship with someone with autism might not be for you. Or you may have to be more explicit than you think in explaining why some actions are not OK.

I don't have experience of a partner with autism but do have a sibling and a DC with autism and have found a few books which have helped me to understand some of the more challenging things they do. I'm sure there must be some available for partners/spouses.

I absolutely agree with this.

I'm in a long distance relationship with a man in a city a few hours away, also, and, although I can understand why you're hurt, I can see this from a different angle.

When I read your post, I read it as DP had heard a colleague was coming to your city from a distant country, offered to meet up with her (the long journey being ok in this situation as she's come a much longer distance) thinking it would be nice to see you as well.

I think if my DP did this, I'd perhaps expect him to invite me to some of the day or evening (not all of it), or to ask if he could stay at my place.

I'd only be upset if he had told me he couldn't possibly see me for a month (rather than us agreeing on a month until we next met, due to both being busy). At the moment my DP and I are having a month apart as we're both tired from travelling to see each other, but if my DP suddenly had a friend he wouldn't ever see otherwise come to my city, I'd be ok with it.

It's quite normal to have friends of the opposite sex, by the way. Yesterday my DP spent hours with a female friend (talking through some of our relationship problems with her!) and I'm happy. I'm going to my ex's birthday tomorrow and he's happy with that.

I wouldn't assume your DP is cheating or going on a date. He's said he's told her about you; he's told you about her and he wants to see you. If everything else has been going well, I'd perhaps explain to him why you're hurt that he seemed not to have time to visit you, yet now has time after all, but I wouldn't expect him not to have female friends, especially as he finds friendships hard as it is.