AIBU to be honest with my kids about danger

I’ve taught my DC that “stranger danger” can be a bit of a myth, as people who are dangerous to children can be anywhere and could actually be a smiling sports coach who everybody loves, a school teacher, a relative, a family friend…

I have taught them that the majority of people are good and kind and helpful and safe to be around. But the point is that we cannot tell how trustworthy someone is by looking at them, or even based on the job that they have, or based on other people’s opinions. When they were younger they understood that someone is a safe person to talk to in some settings (sports coach at sports practice for example, school caretaker while in school) but if they are approached by that person in another setting, they actually fall back into a stranger category at that point in terms of trust.

We have worked on “gut instinct” from being quite young, on the “it’s more important to be safe than it is to be polite” rule and on keeping really open communication with each other at home.

My DC aren’t paranoid wrecks, they honestly aren’t, they are happy and confident and friendly.

There is no point sugar coating things in terms of “innocence” though. There are sex offenders everywhere who will happily train for years to get into close contact with children, as well as your opportunist “man in a mac” types.

Re: would a DC break rules by running off during a dangerous incident… I think that comes the under “gut instinct/better to be safe than to be polite” headings. In the same way, I don’t encourage blind obedience, it is always okay to say no to an adult when asked to do something you think is wrong (and that is a very important thing for an autistic DC especially OP).

The sad and scary truth is there is nothing you can do to train them to ever avoid being caught up in something terrible. We don't have that much control over life.

Teach them basic sensible safety and emergency behaviours, but don't go terrorising them trying to drill them on every rare or uncontrollable scenario. Or deliberately trying to scare them to share your level of anxiety.

Sometimes you do everything you were supposed to do perfectly and the terrible thing still happens.

If random people are staring into your garden through the fence from the woods, the logical way to protect your children would be a higher fence. Increases the security of your property as well.

I think you need to stop putting it under one umbrella. "Tricky People" is one lesson. "What to do in an emergancy" is another. I don't think you can assume that what happened today could have been prevented if the kids had been told to behave differently- I think that's quite offensive.

My Mum constantly told us about the Moors murderers but neglected to say they’d gone to prison 7 years before I was born. I was constantly on the lookout for Myra Hindley. Meanwhile I went to my friend’s house for breakfast every morning and we walked to school together - her Dad, who was there every morning, was jailed for life 10 years ago for abusing young girls. Talking to the neighbour is normal for your children - they just need to know not to go to strangers’ houses or get into their cars.

The issue is NOT talking to NDNs or, for that matter, almost anyone in the public. It's about understanding what is appropriate/inappropriate discussion, not going anywhere without telling you, not going into people's houses if they don't know them well etc

So talk to the NDN is fine. But DC need to learn that talking about general chit chat is fine, but personal information is not. Going into the neighbour's house without express persmission from you, probably not fine (we ahve excellent neighbours who have known my Dc for years so that wouldn't apply here, but would if we had a new neighbour).

Unless you have a specific concern about this specific neighbour in which case, sure, tell them they're not allowed to talk to him.

These stories are awful and heart wrenching but they are so awful becuase they are so unexpected and so random.

Is there a reason you think your neighbour is dodgy? Or just you don't know him...

I don’t get your example of what has happened in Southport today. The “leaving the building” scenario I mean. Those children were stabbed, they weren’t stuck in a building that was on fire. There was nothing these victims could do to “keep safe”.

As for telling your children about Ian Huntley in relation to them talking to your neighbour, words fail me.

Your children need to know that there are adults who will help them as well as adults who are dangerous as well.

Yesterday, I saw a video of a young child, who knew how to get help for his collapsed mother. If they are scared of everyone... how will they do this?

Yup🖕do this

teach them Run Hide Tell, and to turn off their phones in situations where they are hiding.

The fact is though, children don't have the judgement, and that is why you need to supervise them

I can't count the number of times I told my children NEVER get into a car unless I have agreed it - even if they know the driver. They still did, when a nursery worker offered them a life home once - I was furious with her.

My mum scared the absolute crap out of me as a child about all aspects of safety. Strangers, murderers, house fires, stabbings, kidnappings. As an adult I have severe PTSD and a highly medicated anxiety disorder. I totally blame her for making me paranoid and terrified.

I agree with @mathanxiety. This is your anxiety. You need to let your kids have some independence otherwise they'll be at real risk when they go out by themselves at some point. Walking 5 minutes home in a village by themselves sounds like an ideal place to start.

It's very natural to take refuge in the belief that you can protect your kids from being victims of a murderer, child abductor, etc by arming them with warnings or information.

It's more for your benefit than for the children all the same.

If you're truly terrified, and it's affecting your appraisal of everyday situations like your child walking home from school or talking to a neighbour (woods or no woods) I'd gently advise you to make an appointment with your GP to discuss anxiety and ways to deal with it