Relationships can’t have been solid if his head was turned

This is v familiar.

DH is pretty great, I can't in any way blame him.

God, I find this hard to answer.

For me, there was nothing wrong at home. It was a weird weird case that I turned up at work one day and suddenly everything was different. I have no idea why, and if you'd told me this a week previously I'd have laughed in your face.

I never had a physical affair but I couldn't control how I felt. It was actually the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Turns him on!

Foolmeonce - do you not think some people are just selfish and would cheat regardless of the relationship they were in? Some men don’t use prostitutes because they aren’t having sex but because they enjoy the illicit/danger/risk/the fact she slept with 10 other men that week turns him in and they get off on that fact - they cannot get that with ANY long term partner.

I think cheats say something was missing because if not they would have to say I’m a selfish person who wanted ego kibbles and felt entitled to sex etc.

No.

Some men cheat for novelty alone.

Generally speaking I think women cheat because they're unhappy.
Men may cheat because of sheer novelty/opportunity and most don't think any less of their wives but the stupid cunts are too dumb to be discreet thus ensuring their wives find out and that, of course, may be intolerable.

Always, always, always - something is missing/wrong in the relationship. Always.

It doesn’t mean the other spouse holds any blame, but something is not right for a cheating spouse to cheat. Why would someone cheat if they are 100% happy? They just don’t and wouldn’t. I’ve spoken to enough cheaters to know this without a doubt.

Interesting that so many posters say women only cheat when unhappy and men for the novelty.

If you are going to argue certain needs are not being net for an affair to happen, surely that applies to both sexes.

Secret sexual basement by Minwalla is worth a read.

There is nothing wrong with shagging about but don’t get married and/or pretend you are monogamous. If you want to shag about with no commitments own it and don’t mess your spouse about. Let them move on and find someone new who is faithful and committed (and not putting them at risk if STDs).

I can only describe it in terms of why I don’t cheat on my husband.
I’ve said this a fair few times. Nothing my husband does could make me cheat on him. I choose not to cheat for me. He is very annoying at times. But I want to like the woman I see in the mirror each morning. I will spend the rest of my life with me! I value my integrity and honesty. I willingly said marriage vows in front of my family and friends and I want my word to mean something to me and to those I love. My words matter to me. My integrity matters to me. I have had plenty of opportunity to cheat. Tinder is at my fingertips. But I choose to remain faithful. I am faithful for me. It’s a choice and nothing my husband does could make me remain faithful or cheat. He isn’t that powerful. I believe that no man on earth is worth giving up my values for. They are important to me. My husband is collateral damage to my choices.

If you want out leave the marriage. Cheating never fixes anything. I would not wish betrayal trauma on anyone. It’s so sad to watch a friend as she develops mental health issues due to betrayal - heartbreaking.

No marriage is solid every day of every year for a lifetime. If you are unhappy 1) then say you are unhappy, maybe go to counselling (or read Gottmans work). 2) divorce 3) put up shut up. Three valid choices. Sex in a car park with Dave from Tinder or your boss or best mates hubby - doesn’t seem like a great 4th option to me.

I don't know if this helps, but I came close to cheating once in a work colleague and it was because I was madly stressed at work and basically being put in fight or flight response constantly by a toxic work culture.

In all honesty, flirting with a work colleague who completely understood the pressure and helped me felt like a release.

My DH has always been perfect but he wasn't there, in it, with me.

Anyway, I didn't cheat - but it's strange because if I had, I don't believe it would've been anything to do with my DH, but just a reaction to stress.

Lots of people cheat after a bereavement too. I don't think it's always as simple as it being about your relationship, rather than general unhappiness and looking for something to numb it

Agree 100%. It's hard enough being left for someone else without trying to figure out if you did anything wrong.

Completely agree with this

The women I've seen who have cheated have been unhappy with lazy man child husbands. The men I've known who have cheated do it because they had an opportunity/they got a bit of attention.

Cheating is a form of abuse. It destroys peoples lives and mental health. Really shitty to suggest they're somehow responsible for it.

i certainly wasn't
we lived a great life
turned my world so upside down i had a emotional breakdown that im still recovering fro

together 22 years, 2 tried for kids(fertility treatment so it wasn't a accident that was kept)
meet at 17(him) 18 (me)
each others only(romantically and secually)
i was even his first kiss

were were very happy, trying for baby 3(fertility treatment) and looking to move to a bigger house

together 24/7 as we were home eductors and carers as boys are disabled

we had a small row, he went out for McDonalds as a sorry and never came home

found out next day he's moved in with our ex friend

she rang him to talk as she broke up with her fiancée
he went there and never came home

she declared her feelings for him and he decided there and then to give up 22 years,2 kids(possibility of another one) and his whole life for her

now she already had 9 kids by 9 different men(not 1 involved)majority with in 9 months of the last

fiancée wasn't a dad to any, she only knew him 6 months

that morning he took our joint claim and transferred it to hers(we are carers on UC as both boys are disabled and all the other benefits that come with a disabled child ,kids are too disabled for us to work)
got engaged and started trying for a baby

i found out late morning via a phone call and just went in to shock as i thought he was at his mothers when he didn't come home

this was winter 2020
with in 4 weeks they tried to get married(how they thought it would happen in lockdown i never know)

3 and half years later they are married,
1 baby who's 2 and she's 6 months pregnant again so technically my ex is a legal father of 13 as when he married he put his name on her kids birth certificates as no dad was ever involved(illegal i know)

my kids haven't seen him since as they refused to see him

my oldest even changed his surname as soon as he turned 16
i tried with my youngest but cant yet as he's too young

i get/got zero money of him as benefits are not taken in to consideration

but their household is on roughly 6000-6500 a month(could be more)

9 kids are on high dla,2 adult on full PIP and 2 carers allowances and UC.
all disability elements per child to go along with all of the above

but boy have they had their karma
they have had nothing but illnesses,
both adults are now severely disabled(not fat shaming but she's gone up to 29 st) and need 24/7 care each(even though she's pregnant)

both adults are not capable of looking after disabled kids (all under 15)let alone the other adult and especially not babies
she also home educates, that's how we met her

with in a few months they had extreme stress as 2 oldest went haywire with the new set up

social services referrals 6 times(no it wasn't me)
i know as his mother keeps me informed

there was no affair, she saw a chance declared her feelings and he took it

i will never ever forgive either of them
and especially him for giving up everything
he should have said no, came home and we would have had nothing more to do with her

There is just no one size fits all with this kind of thing. No affairs are created equal and happen for different reasons.
So yes, sometimes it’s both people to blame for neglecting their relationship, taking each other for granted, lack of communication etc. but sometimes it is fully the cheating spouse (usual the serial cheaters, one night stander types), and dare I say it as this is very controversial on MN, but sometimes the “betrayed” is actually the one to blame. There are abusive, nasty, controlling and generally narcissistic “betrayed” spouses out there too and affairs act as the catalyst the “wayward” spouse needs to get themselves out of a terrible situation.

Every example I've known of cheating, bar one, were men who decided that the responsibilities and hard work of family life were "making them unhappy".

Entitled shirkers, basically.

God, how scummy. Worse, you sound proud of it.

a relationship can't have been solid for the one who cheats.. i agree! is it the other persons fault? that depends i guess.

a relationship is all about communication, and if both parties don't communicate then its likely to go wrong for 1 of them.

but communication is a grown up, adult action and sadly lots of people in relationships are anything but grown up!

It had nothing to do with the relationship, it had everything to do with a long term secret sex addiction. It would have continued in every relationship (and did).

I agree

And if they continued to use sex workers after they met, it's because something was missing from the 'happy' relationship.

Unless the relationship was an open one where the partner approved the use of sex workers.

I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to say it’s a shared responsibility, as in I don’t think the person who was cheated on holds any responsibility for the cheating, but I do think that people who are genuinely happy in their relationship don’t cheat. That’s not the fault of the other person, they could still have been doing everything “right”, it’s just that the relationship maybe wasn’t everything the other person was looking for or it was missing something they wanted. My husband and I are totally happy, still as in love as the day we met, we’re also best friends, I have everything I could want in a relationship and partner in him so I would never even dream or looking elsewhere. I think it’s only really when people are unhappy in their relationship or feel the relationship is missing something that they cheat because they are actively seeking whatever it is they are missing.