To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

I'd say, guys I am not unpaid help, I'm not going to be minding your child all holiday. You'll need to mind Johnny at meal times.

I would be SO pissed off with this CFery. Can you sack them all off and go out by yourselves? And make it clear why?

Honestly how do people live with themselves when they are so utterly grabby and self serving, even to family?

The kid running around and being a pain in arse would be enough for me. I’d say never again.

OP, is this AI?

Is there anywhere else you, your husband and kids can take your meals?

Assuming you can’t all sit together all of the holiday ? ( surely some places could accommodate )

you need to make it clear that you take it in turns to sit with the kids, it’s everyone’s holiday so you can all take turns at supervising at mealtimes.

I know, I totally understand you as we are the same. Our daughter is autistic. We never have time away from her, my husband or I are always with her. We would also never do what OP has said. I’m just playing devil’s advocate that maybe they are totally burnt out and in need of a little time. Yes, they should have asked. Maybe they don’t see it as such an issue as they are also there. I just felt the way OP described her nephew was unkind and showed lack of awareness and it frustrated me.
Sorry your MIL doesn’t understand your DS needs, makes things much much harder for you 😓

My brother and SIL are like this. I can't remember the last time we had a meal/ day out/ holiday and they somehow manged to not be with any of their DC at all.

I don't mind it occasionally, I love spending time with the little ones. But sometimes it would be nice if they didn't assume me and my teens were some kind of free childcare.

Who goes on these bif family holidays. I cant imagine anything more stressful or awful.

It sounds like the OP would be happy to eat with her own kids every mealtime, she just doesn’t want the other child’s parents to assume she’ll have their one as well. Other possible solutions could be…

The OP sitting with her husband, 2 kids and the parent in laws.

The OP sitting with her husband, 2 kids, BIL/SIL and their child.

The OP sitting with her husband, 2 kids and the other BIL/SIL.

The 3 kids sitting together, but the sets of parents taking it turns to sit with them.

The two dads sitting with the three kids.

The two mums sitting with the three kids.

There are other alternatives that don’t involve a table full of adults and then OP/her DH and three kids alone.

On my family holidays-we do a combination of those suggestions-it’s nice to talk to different people and not nice nice assume someone else will be on kid duty for your child every meal time.

It's absolutely exhausting having a child with additional needs. I would love just ,occasionally, to have a break. However you can't just leave your child with another family member and hope it'll be okay. Yes it's family but BIL really should have said before the holiday that he was struggling and needed some support and then hopefully the whole family would have mucked in.
I don't get a break and wouldn't trust any of my family and certainly not ILS to look after him. MIL already tells me DS is very naughty. No he's autistic 😞

I think I'm confused here so am going to try and get it right.

There are three children, two of them are yours. You sit with them to eat every night but would like other adults to take turns? But most of the children are yours? So is it you want the extra child removed or you want other adults to supervise your children so you can eat with other adults?

I'd be expecting you to supervise your own children at mealtimes tbh.

I wouldn't make it a question, because then they can refuse. I'd make it a statement, " Hey, BIL, it's your turn to sit with the kids"

Sorry, but it's OP's holiday too.

The parents of the disruptive child need to manage between them, not arbitrarily impose on OP and other adults. They are deliberately taking the piss.

Not wanting to handle his needs doesn't equate to disliking him.

how unkind to leave their DS sitting alone.

I agree-that’s really shitty.

I wouldn't "lean into it" either OP. I can't believe the entitlement of leaving their DS alone at the table until someone arrives to watch him. It's one thing to ask or agree to take turns, but how unkind to leave their DS sitting alone.
I have a child with autism and another with suspected ADHD, and it cam be tough. I wouldn't think of leaving either alone at a table to wait for someone else to watch them. I imagine they, like your nephew, would likely pick up on it too.

Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

So who sat on which table for this meal?

If you arrived early and sat with the in laws, what would they do?

We had a similar number of people for family holidays and took turns with who sat with who-usually kids sat with a parents but this varied-sometimes the dads sat with the kids, sometimes the mums, sometimes you sat just with your own kids with the grandparents etc

What do you mean, if your DH hadn't spotted it in time? Why didn't you sit at the other table when you went in? Why was your DH not with you anyway?

Why doesn't your DH sit with your kids and you sit at the other table, if you don't want to sit with your kids every night?

Is it offloading though? They are sat at the next table. The OP makes no further comments that at any other point in the day they have to help/support their nephew, which I’m sure they would have done based on their grievances with meal time. So I would suggest OP doesn’t do a family holiday again as doesn’t appear they want to spend time with family. If the nephew had no additional needs, I expect this wouldn’t even be a post. Societies ignorance around how hard life is when your child has any kind of diagnosis is appalling and this shows why. A meal time of maybe 45 mins/ 1 hour tops and the OP is a ‘meal maid’. Seriously??

This would piss me off as well-it’s the assumption that you will look after ‘just one more’ whilst they always sit with the adults. It’s not for you to automatically look after three kids every meal time so that they can have a break.

Are you at a hotel type place where you always eat at the same place-all inclusive? Is it worth asking if they’ll set up a table for 11 for you/push two together?

If sounds like MIL didn’t approve of them just abandoning their child to sit at the other table-can you get her on side? Or next time, go early and sit with PIL with your kids, so there’s 6 on that table already.

If those things don’t work-get DH to say something to his brother.

.

In my family, all the adults who don't spend their lives caring for the child with additional needs (or any children, actually) would recognise that the parents need a break and step up.

When my DC were young, that was pretty much the point of holidays with extended family, I cried when it was time to leave and go back to real life, without the support once!

Then when DSis had her DC, when mine were older, I (and my DC) gave her a break when we went away together.

Absolutely this!
As to other posters saying they should ask for the help etc rather than just expect it, it’s not easy to ask for help particularly if relatives are clearly of the mindset of the op.
I’d also say it’s quite possible that they didn’t even think about who was sitting where and just assumed all adults would be sitting together.
its a very odd situation to moan about you having to sit with 3 children to be the dinner maid when 2 of them are your kids but it’s ok for bil to sit and look after your 2. Very strange logic going on there.

Are you in an AI canteen restaurant type place? If so just pull two bloody tables together!

You don't have to dislike a child to not wish to cope with them. If your bil would like the holiday to be a break for him, it would have been more likely to work if he had spoken about this before the holiday and not just, as it sounds, offloaded his child onto other people.

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

So there were six adults at the other table, gayly getting on with their meal? It's wrong of the boy's parents totally, but I would also be feeling aggrieved that the other brother and sister in law and the grandparents did nothing, especially if you had to spend half your meal chasing the child round the restaurant. If it happened more than once, I would have had to say something and also if the child left the table, I would have taken him to the other table and made it clear he was their responsibility. Decades ago, we used to go on massive family holidays - 8 adults and 7 kids at the height of it. They were lovely times but only worked because everyone mucked in. We also rented houses, which was a much more relaxed way of doing it. If I were you, OP, I wouldn't be going on holiday with them next year and if they ask why not, tell them.