To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

LoveBlueCheese · 2024-07-29T12:44:21+00:00

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move. To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 10:21

Children with ADHD CAN be a PITA and I don’t care who flames me. They can be exhausting and bloody hard work. All praise to those with more patience than me.

RunningThroughMyHead · 07/08/2024 07:50

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

What a load of BS.

Did you miss the part about OP having her own two children? No child is a walk in the park, she works hard all year round with her own house, kids, job (presumably).

If in-laws want help, they should ask for it "brother, we're both absolutely shattered, would it be ok for our son to sit with you for a few dinners this week?".

No just lump him with them and say nothing. No thanks, no request.

Your post comes across as entitled. Having a child with ADHD doesn't mean everyone else has it easier or that everything else needs to do things for you. I have three young children, if I got lumbered with other children, I'd be standing up and leaving. ALL parents have it hard.

tuttuttutt · 07/08/2024 07:40

DearDenimEagle · 07/08/2024 07:00

8 adults present and you think the mother with 2 children of her own to deal with should add a disruptive child to her holiday every day of that holiday? Why should it only be on her? With 2 children already, should she not expect to enjoy some holiday, not have extra stress ? Why not the childless adults take a turn, too?

Show quote history

This is MN. Despite it being 2024 it’s always down to a female parent to look after and pander to others, even others children. If you don’t you’re selfish and judgemental.

DearDenimEagle · 07/08/2024 07:00

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

8 adults present and you think the mother with 2 children of her own to deal with should add a disruptive child to her holiday every day of that holiday? Why should it only be on her? With 2 children already, should she not expect to enjoy some holiday, not have extra stress ? Why not the childless adults take a turn, too?

Momtotwokids · 05/08/2024 04:04

LoveBlueCheese · 01/08/2024 14:57

Didn't want to disrupt my already disruptive holiday but since the woke SEN brigade has stepped in to comment on my supposed lack of understanding about ADHD, fine!! The parents of nephew who has ADHD live in a country with live in maids. No prizes for guessing which country this might be. Their son is constantly attended to by a maid. And on the days when the maid is allowed a day off, their child goes over to the other grandparents (i.e., maternal grandparents). Sue me for not being a bloody bleeding heart FFS. The parents need a break!?? A BREAK???

I'm confused by the guess what country they live in? Hopefully your vacation got better.

batt3nb3rg · 05/08/2024 03:28

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

Children with ADHD are often disruptive, that’s a factual description of their behaviour.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/08/2024 02:22

JustAnotherDadOf2 · 05/08/2024 01:46

Please dont get too strung out on this, ADHD kids are exhausting. His/her mum and Dar prolly needed a little respite plus ADHD kids need to learn how to socialise with their peers.

Then they should have brought their nanny along. OP is on holiday to get her own break.

JustAnotherDadOf2 · 05/08/2024 01:46

Please dont get too strung out on this, ADHD kids are exhausting. His/her mum and Dar prolly needed a little respite plus ADHD kids need to learn how to socialise with their peers.

Lola2321 · 04/08/2024 21:48

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

So because OPs children don’t have additional needs, OP and her husband aren't allowed a break. You’re essentially saying only the parents of the child with additional needs are entitled to a break. No other parent can get to breaking point, only parents of children with additional needs.

CaribouCarafe · 04/08/2024 17:10

DontBeADick11 · 04/08/2024 17:03

What a stupid comment 😂😂

Show quote history

Ironic username given your comment.

DontBeADick11 · 04/08/2024 17:03

CaribouCarafe · 29/07/2024 15:58

I can't imagine getting too upset about this - it's a temporary situation and they're probably exhausted from parenting a DS with ADHD and having every mealtime be a stressful event. I'd just lean into it and take it as a bonding opportunity rather than strike up a battle over the whole thing

What a stupid comment 😂😂

Lifelover16 · 04/08/2024 10:39

Regardless of the cause of the child’s behaviour which the OP finds disrupting and annoying, she has just as much right to enjoy a relaxing break as anyone else in the group; she should not be expected to be treated as a mealtime maid.

Menopausalcraziness · 04/08/2024 09:25

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

I feel this is unfair on the OP. The BIL and SIL could have asked them if they minded their son sitting with them, not just taken it upon themselves to assume someone else would care for their child.
I understand they would likely need respite however respect needs to be shown to others within the family unit as they’re also on their holiday.

LlamaLoopy · 03/08/2024 17:41

I’ve been there … family holiday in a villa and they would just leave their kids assuming someone else would keep an eye on them (not asking just walking off!).
we always had a ‘passing the baton’ rule with Hubbie and I when our son was small ie you made sure the other one knew they were on duty (or if nipping to loo/getting ready to go out and kiss all together asked someone to keep an eye, never assume).
I never actively said something just avoided being in the situation 🤣

Ilovecleaning · 03/08/2024 10:05

No33 · 01/08/2024 13:31

Why do so many people on Mumsnet go on holiday with people they clearly don't like?

Pull tables together, or go somewhere that's more suitable for your nephew. He clearly isn't coping in these environments and needs support.

Probably because they are uncomfortable refusing and are afraid of offending in-laws or other relatives. I found, several years ago, that it is so easy to say ‘No I’m not coming.’ And you don’t need to give explanations either.
DH and I were invited to a long weekend in Europe for a milestone birthday celebration of a close relative of DH.
I said “Not for me thanks but DH is going and he’ll love it.” And I don’t give a flying f**k what anyone thinks. Oh, the joy of being older and wiser!! 😀

MumChp · 03/08/2024 05:36

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

Family isn't a safe space to ignore your problems and expect to hand problems over without a thank you.

If family members ask me to help with their children I am happy to but I am not a random maid or teacher at meal time.

Girlsjustwannahavefunno1 · 03/08/2024 05:22

But as a member of said "SEN brigade" , with a full time job, degree and a kid with ADHD & having it myself yes our habits can be incredibly frustrating, but we already know .
OP if you need a break, take one. If you need to set boundaries , do so. It's your holiday and no one would blame you .
It's about the parents (taking responsibility and accountability), not the kid, per se .
And when you have had said break and are a bit more calm ask yourself why you feel the need to ask something that's akin to asking a disabled person to walk harder , when they can't.
You accuse us of being the "SEN brigade " but your words hold little sympathy. In fact a lot of you hold little sympathy in fact and wonder why we have an axe to grind.
Have a break and I think you'll see it more clearly.
ADHD kiss need firm boundaries.
ADHD is a neurological condition based in the brain as the brain doesn't take up the feel good hormones (mainly dopamine) and so the brain searches for outside stimulation.
Neurological conditions are brain based & affect behaviour.
1/5 people have adhd .
Adhd is also based in the front of the brain which regulates organisational skills(known as executive function) , regulation of emotion & taming impulsiveness (of thought, word/actions) & regulating attention. What people perceive as willfully being a class A c* e.g. being late, blurting out sentences without a thought (impulsiveness), speaking over people/interrupting others, losing things , & ...also the following poor financial management (oh organisation...), losing things , lack of concentration, hyperactivity e.g. not sitting still (in girls it's talking a lot /dreamily staring out of windows), going off on tangents (I think this might be 1) , hyperactive thoughts , poor working (short term memory ) , poor motivation to do things you arent super interested in even an inabilty to do so even though you flipping wanna...but sure....blame it on WILLFULNESS?
OP ...you clearly have a lot to contend with BUT ...did you see the list above ?
Just say what you mean politely ...instead of putting it on a thread for thousands of people with ADHD to see and give them another battering ram to bash themselves over the head with. And if you don't want to don't go on holiday with them and have days away from them.
This was not intended to be another slight....just a fresh (& honest , perspective).
If they have a maid , bully for them. ADHD is 70% as inheritible as height, so perhaps they have it too. People with adhd have a hard time organising themselves to do housework if not medicated .

BettyBardMacDonald · 02/08/2024 22:20

pineapplesundae · 02/08/2024 21:36

I always feel sorry for parents who rarely get a break from high maintenance children. Think if the situation was reversed. Would you appreciate a break? I recommend taking turns sitting with the children, including the in-laws.

They could have brought along a nanny.

Or asked the group instead of dumping their child on OP. It's her holiday too.

Ilovecleaning · 02/08/2024 21:40

pingpongding · 01/08/2024 10:02

I think I'm confused here so am going to try and get it right.

There are three children, two of them are yours. You sit with them to eat every night but would like other adults to take turns? But most of the children are yours? So is it you want the extra child removed or you want other adults to supervise your children so you can eat with other adults?

I'd be expecting you to supervise your own children at mealtimes tbh.

Because the child who isn’t hers is a PITA, that’s why. I’d refuse to be stuck supervising a child with ADHD. I’d feel like a mug.

pineapplesundae · 02/08/2024 21:36

I always feel sorry for parents who rarely get a break from high maintenance children. Think if the situation was reversed. Would you appreciate a break? I recommend taking turns sitting with the children, including the in-laws.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 02/08/2024 21:04

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

I'm a bit late to this, but this kind of post really fucks me off. I've been in the exact same position as OP, countless times. I feel like a fucking mug, left to sit at the kids' end of the table, coping with meltdowns and challenges while the parents of said children eat their dinner and sip their wine, having their adult conversations like their kids literally don't exist. Which part of that makes ME the arsehole again?

laraitopbanana · 02/08/2024 20:34

Lifelover16 · 01/08/2024 22:56

YANBU for not wanting to be treated like mealtime maids. The parents of the challenging child should have brought their nanny/maid on holiday with them if they didn’t want to look after the child themselves. They should not expect you to do it.

If the child is disruptive and “bugging” as you describe him, they could leave him at home with the nanny in an environment he finds more comfortable.

That. Where is the nanny?

laraitopbanana · 02/08/2024 20:32

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 02/08/2024 19:03

Every single thread that starts ‘we’re on a family holiday’ is BU. Expect to suck stuff up for people that you actually like, or if you can’t or don’t like them, then you are unreasonable for agreeing to a family holiday in the first place.

Erm…no

it doesn’t seem this situation happened before though?? Should she never do anything coz people are just blantly bonkers?

she did everything right. Still is as she is trying to figure out how to get out if that trap…!

and in what world « suck stuff up for people you like » means caring for there disable kid when they aren’t and don’t ask just drop him on you? Who could like people like this???

no, no.

laraitopbanana · 02/08/2024 20:28

graysquirrel · 02/08/2024 19:47

No help sorry but sympathise. For years I was treated as the family babysitter at events with in-laws. I was always sat in a dark corner colouring or playing uno while SIL amd DHs family having a whale of a time getting drunk nearby. (DH did help me)
Things came to a head when it was expected to cancel my 40th birthday holiday plans for a family wedding but as it was child free I was expected to not attend it and instead look after all the kids. We said no, went on our holiday and they barely speak to us now.

Well done you!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏼

laraitopbanana · 02/08/2024 20:27

LoveBlueCheese · 01/08/2024 14:57

Didn't want to disrupt my already disruptive holiday but since the woke SEN brigade has stepped in to comment on my supposed lack of understanding about ADHD, fine!! The parents of nephew who has ADHD live in a country with live in maids. No prizes for guessing which country this might be. Their son is constantly attended to by a maid. And on the days when the maid is allowed a day off, their child goes over to the other grandparents (i.e., maternal grandparents). Sue me for not being a bloody bleeding heart FFS. The parents need a break!?? A BREAK???

🤣🤣🤣

yeah You deserve a break too isn’t it? a but cheecky them no?

I totally get you and they are taking the mick.

I would:

eat no breakkie myself to retrieve myself from the situation (would they act like that if only DH is there)… you could have a bug for ths rest of the holidays and skipping meal.
take the children out for eating…every single evening. They should get the message quite quickly
« Let’s swap » loud and clear from you to them… for the lunch until they comply

that would be disruptive but hey. You aren’t a maid…also adhd maybe but they don’t get to drop both at the same time.
If they want help, they can ask, nicely. And expect to give in return.

bonkers.

good luck 🌺