FIL Funeral

This where the culture divide completely baffles me. Irish culture you bring children to funerals for closure to grieve and all research has highlighted how beneficial it is.

It would have broken my late mothers heart to not have her grandchildren at her send off.

I would discuss with your husband what he wants in a few days.

As someone who has lost both parents. It sounds like you didnt like him, so maybe the 'support' you think you would be providing to your husband wouldn't be necessary what he needs. He might need the 'space' to mourn and grieve without someone around who clearly didnt like his Dad.

Let him grieve how he needs to grieve. It isnt about you.

This. I truly hope some members of my family aren’t hypocritical enough to attend my funeral, it would be a complete travesty.

YANBU. Of course you should attend. DH is probably swatting at you because he knows you didn't really like his father and feels more hurt about it than usual. Tell him you had your differences but that you would like to pay your respects and support the family nonetheless.

My relationship with my FIL was similar. However my relationship with my husband, and with my MIL, both good enough that they deserve my support at a very hard time in their lives.

If his outburst was out of character, blame it on grief and ask him kindly, would he prefer your support on the day or how would he prefer to handle questions from anyone wondering why you aren't there?

He may well realise that your support on the day will be beneficial and can be based on love for those alive more than those deceased.

I'd arrange the childcare and see how he feels right at the time. He could be pushing you away and he could also have made a clear decision. It's very complicated when you have a difficult relationship with someone who died. Your feelings can be totally unexpected. I couldn't stand my Dad who'd been out and out abusive but actually had more complex feelings than with anyone that died including being pretty angry. I'm a bit confused how bad FIL was. Was he nasty/ racist etc or just you two didn't get on?

1. it's a big step not to go to your FILs funeral - a major snub. People will notice and talk and you won't be able to tell them it's what DH wanted

2. in the future will DH throw it back in your face "you didn't even go to my father's funeral"?

I'm from a culture though where it would be unthinkable not to go to a family member's funeral. For any reason other than never wanting to be part of the family again

I couldn't stand FIL - he was a nasty piece of work. Still went to his funeral. Partly to support DH (who couldn't stand him either, but still it was his dad) and MIL.

FIL was pretty horrible generally, but everyone has some good points, and it's those that we remember and celebrate at a funeral. He was an important figure in DH's childhood and contributed to his life. It's entirely reasonable to "pay your respects" to somebody like that at their funeral. In spite of our terrible relationship with FIL, there was never any question that DH and I would attend the funeral; it would have been bizarre (and very hurtful to MIL) if we'd even considered not going. People would literally have been asking why not.

I think you’re in a difficult situation OP given your DH’s comment. He seems to have lashed out at you in his grief. I think you may be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I agree. But it doesn't sound like OP's DH particularly wants this support right now.

I'd arrange childcare so that I was available to go if he changed his mind on the day

Try not to take it personally as he's obviously completely out of sorts right now. Having said that, I also wouldn't let it fester and I'd gently try to resolve it. I'd just probably acknowledge that yes, we were very different people and we weren't close but that you valued him as someone who was important to DH and DD. That you'd like to attend the funeral as a mark of respect to DD's grandad and to support DH. That it's not true you "couldn't stand him" and you (presumably) wouldn't have been happy for him to look after DD if that had been the case. But I'd leave it in his court whether you attend or not and just do whatever he needs you to do to support him.

I'm sorry to say but he does have a point. He is being truthful as he is very upset.

That isn't the question here

I'd speak to your DH and say you'll go if he wants you there and you won't if he won't. Don't make a massive deal out of it though this isn't about you.

OP presumably doesn't live under a rock and is aware that other people choose to take children to funerals. That doesn't mean she needs to, and she wasn't seeking opinions or approval on her choices for her child.

we have all been too many funerals of pp we never met or knew.

'being unable to stand someone when alive"?!

I've been to two funerals for people that I never met. I was there to support their spouse/parent, and they very much appreciated it.

But to explain to your DH, you're there because you want to support him, and because you recognise and are grateful for his father's love and attentiveness as a grandfather.

now I understand why in some cultures, when relatives argue, they like to say "when I die, please don't come to my funeral'; or they would just casually let other relatives know, 'A kept saying B should never attend his funera'l.

dd is 4- he was a good grand dad.

at this funeral, those who loved him dearly, just want to celebrate his life and all the goodness they saw in him.

personally, if I was a relative and knew an in-law couldn't stand the deceased, I would be uncomfortable seeing them at my saddest. so, please don't go. it was nice of you to offer to go- and you should have said he was good grand dad and want to support you dh at the time you mentioned it, rather than it being thrown in with childcare which you acknowledge is not even an issue. that already showed something. why didn't you have a proper discussion?

team dh. team fil family- all of them inc your dd.

Like others have said, it is the grief talking. Grief makes people say and do weird things.

If you want to go, you should go. Its bigger than 'how much did you like him' - Its a coming together of family and friends in an important social and spiritual ritual that helps everyone in the grieving process regardless - that is why we do these things

lts purpose is

• to support your husband and others you love who are grieving
• to acknowledge the loss for all his family, who have lost a significant person in their world,
• to demonstrate to the family that he was loved and valued, and will be missed - the public recognition that he is remembered by many other people can be a real consolation.
• to honour his life and achievements as a human being
• to recognise you are sad he died, (even if you didn't like him) because people you care about loved him
• as a sign of respect, to recognise that while death is inevitable for us all, it is a significant event and the loss of a person should be marked.

and because of the all above, not going will be noticed and probably upset people.

People go to funerals of people they hardly knew, or didn't know at all, because a death is a big deal and a person is gone forever. You may not be as sad as your husband, but that is not the point. Its not the grief Olympics, where you have to have a qualifying amount of sadness. Its a big life event and you are a part of it too, albeit in a lesser role

My FIL didn’t like me ever and actually told me to my face he didn’t and hadn’t ever liked me. I wasn’t his biggest fan either but I made an effort because he was my FIL and a good grandad to my DC. It helped that we didn’t live near them so only had to spend time with him every couple of months and I made it more on my terms as much as I could.
When he passed away, I went to his funeral to support my DH and my DC but I didn’t shed any tears.

Op I 100% agree with you on this. My dad suddenly passed and I didn't even contemplate letting my then 5 year old go, I don't believe it's any place for a child. She's now 10, if something were to happen to the other grandparents then I would let her decide whether she wanted to go or not.

Although sorry I am digressing, I agree with what others have said, yes you weren't best friends but he was a fantastic grandad from what you said and you want to support your husband. He's just lashing out, calmly speak to him about this and explain it, you are being nothing but respectful.

Just because the OP’s DH is upset is no reason to assume he isn’t capable of deciding who he does and doesn’t want at a funeral with him. His feelings are valid and in this instance, the ones that matter. It’s wrong to ignore his views and needs, and assume he’s too upset to know better.

Has he got siblings or family he is close to.

If yes, then I wouldn't go.

Don't force yourself on him at this time. He may just need to be around people who "liked" his Father.