Friend's snide comments about number of children people have, is she being horrible or not?

Yeah I think I'd keep it light and with a smile just say you're being weird about how many kids people have! She possibly just needs a bit of (fairly direct) pushback on it to reflect on her comments.

You keep saying you have been friends since you were 8 , so BE A FRIEND and tell her to stop it ! Act like someone she has known for her whole life and tell her to stu

How often is "constant" really?

Because if it is every conversation, then just tell her that she's developed a monomania.

If you just mean "more than I'm comfortable with, but she's never said it more than once per family" then, assuming you like her for other reasons, this is smile-and-nod territory

She's a dickhead, who obviously feels insecure about something - could be something completely unrelated. The thought wouldn't enter most people's head.

For 1 child comments, I’d be challenging her on this, as some people would have loved another but it hasn’t happened. I couldn’t tolerate someone so bitchy over something that has no impact on her life! Who cares what others do.

I think your friend was on here the other day and started a thread.

She’s clearly insensitive (especially as she knows about your fertility struggles!) and has no filter. Is she generally like this or is it just about the number of children people have?
If she’s such an old friend you should be able to just give it to her straight the next time she makes her stupid comments:
‘Hey, can you zip it with the comments about one child please? You know I struggled to get pregnant again and you are being insensitive’.
’What’s wrong with having 3 kids? Your comments make you sound really judgemental you know’

I'd brazen it out,

"I've noticed you seem to make comments about people that have more or less than two children...you've got a thing about it haven't you?"

Pointed head tilt.

If she denies it..

"Yes, you make comments all the time. Anyway, I'm afraid I can't agree with you. I think people make the choices that are right for them and it's really no one elses business."

Any comeback, smile and say,

"We'll have to agree to disagree. Another cup of coffee?"

Repeating exactly what she's said back to her is often enough for people to realise they sound twattish too.

People who are critical of other peoples’ perfectly valid life choices are insecure and looking for validation that their own choice was correct. If it wasn’t kids, it’d be something else.

Exactly! You get ENDLESS comments about, “Is that really fair to them though? They’re going to be lonely. Don’t you want them to have a baby brother or sister to grow up with?”

No, because I was set on having only one child literally since I can remember (that’s all I wanted even when I was in fourth grade, for example).

It appears that if you have no kids you’re selfish (even though it’s much LESS selfish to admit you don’t feel ready to put another life ahead of your own - mentally, financially, psychologically). The same seems to apply to those only having one child although then you’re not so much selfish as you are “thoughtless” for “not caring about how lonely they’ll be.” And of course in today’s society, three or more always earns you the question: “but even if you CAN afford them, do you really have the time to devote to all of their emotional needs?” 🙄

People need to just live and let live, including your super judgmental friend. They especially need to keep their opinions to themselves concerning strangers, since she has no idea why they have no kids, or one, three, five (any number that isn’t “appropriate” to her, it seems).

I cannot understand why it’s always assumed that having two children will make them so that they’re never lonely, always have a playmate, and a friend for life. I grew up with one older sister (only by three years) and we had completely different friends as kids.

That didn’t change once we became teenagers, went to college, graduated, got jobs. If anything, we’ve always been in competition with one another, and I’ve hated it - because for most of our lives, even though I was the youngest, I was far more responsible.

The slightest mistake made my family ashamed of me, while it seemed like my sister could do anything she wanted and it would never make them change their opinion of her. Trust me, she’s done some pretty awful things - just never been caught. And she has a prestigious job that my parents basically bought for her (even though it was my dream career from a young age, and her third choice after graduating college!).

Things have gotten slightly better over the years, but she’s still very self-centered and very much still the favorite for reasons I don’t understand. I have seen this A LOT with others who grew up with only one brother or sister, especially if it’s two boys or two girls. Where more often than not, the two are constantly in competition with one another, end up despising each other, rather than being the best friends they were expected to become.

There will always be something that will be challenging when having children, no matter how many you decide to have - or not have. Sure, many kids are lucky and are incredibly close with their sibling(s). Not always the case, though.

Your friend must be very unhappy in life. A lot of the time people project their own insecurities onto others, which is what she might be doing in this case. If that’s not it, and you know her quite well in her private life to know that her two kids are both very happy and get on well, then I guarantee it’s something else. I’ve never known anyone who is truly happy with their lives to be so negative and judgmental of strangers or friends. It just doesn’t happen. When you’re happy with your own life, you don’t even think about criticizing others, because it doesn’t matter to you (unless it’s a friend who has personally confided in you that you’re worried about).

If you believe she is actually capable of being vulnerable and opening up to you, then maybe try to talk to her about why she feels the need to make so many snarky comments about families she doesn’t know. Especially when you have your own issues to contend with and really don’t need to hear so much negativity. If she refuses to acknowledge your discomfort or make an effort to stop, then I agree with the other posters who are urging you to ditch her.

She seems nasty, rude and narrow minded. My mother can be a bit sneery like that and thinks her way/choice (2 kids) is the only correct one. I had an only child for nearly 10 years (secondary infertility/recurrent miscarriage) and got aaaaallll the comments. I didn't discuss the problems I had because I knew the comments would be even worse. Sure enough when I did tell her after youngest was finally born she looked appalled and said "well i never had any miscarriages" as if I'd made it up or done it on purpose! And she wonders why I'm so private and don't confide in her much ...

My sister's theory is that she actually has very low self esteem and sees anyone choosing differently to her as a personal affront of some kind.

The only time I've had any opinion at all about number of children someone else has is (a) when they wanted more but it didn't work out and I feel empathy for them or (b) when they have multiple children by choice and then moan all the time about what hard work it is and how they don't have any time/ money/space to themselves. But in the latter example I've not voiced my thoughts out loud except privately to my husband who I know will keep it to himself.

Alternatively with 3 or more you could try “you seem to get very exercised about the size of other people’s families, is there something about it that is painful for you? As your friend since third class - you sound jealous.”

It’s definitely more about her than you, or anyone else.

I think next time she does this, you should say quite quietly, "you do know we would have liked more children, but experienced secondary infertility?" and then just leave an awkward silence.

You’ve spent decades being friends with someone who is actively nasty and insensitive. Prolonging a friendship which is demeaning to you because it’s been there since you were eight isn’t a good reason. It’s a bad habit. But if you can have a proper discussion with her and be honest and address it then power to you - that’s a strong thing to do.

You don’t need a thicker skin, you need better friends.

Some people are either jealous or just like to criticise others
On the subject of how many children, my dad only wanted 2. He had come from a very large family in great poverty and wanted better for his children. There were 2 of us for 6 or 7 years, then another sister came along and then 7 years after that another one. It totally changed the dynamic. Overcrowded, my parents couldn't afford a bigger home and I was painfully aware that my friends who only had one sibling had a lot more materially. The biggest bummer of all imho was that once us older siblings were working,, we were the ones providing all the goodies for the younger ones that we never had.
I should probably have got over it 50 years on shouldn't I 🤣🤣

My sister used to be like that. Always wanted two children and then had two and was very sneery of those who had 1 or 3+.

Then she had an unplanned third baby and, magically, the “perfect number” has changed and she can’t understand why anyone would stop at two, or have a fourth.

People are weird.

You don't need a thicker skin, you need a kinder friend.