Have you ever dropped a friend?

I ditched a very good friend many years ago who l discovered was going out as a foursome with her boyfriend, my then husband and his bit on the side, who until that moment l was completely unaware of!

Yes, I finally realised our friendship had been one sided for years, didn’t feel great after I’d seen her and after some deliberation dropped her by lack of contact. It took a while for her to realise and perhaps I should have had a conversation with her but that would have created more stress for me and I’d had enough by then.

I've been both ghoster and ghostee - same friend lol! We met at Primary school for my youngest, had dc the same ages, held joint birthday parties, went shopping together, had hour-long phone calls, took our dc on holiday together :- then my marriage got into trouble. exDH was a high earner, but absent and unsupportive. She didn't approve of my divorce (SHe'd never been married, 3 kids by 2 different blokes) and when I found DP, she didn't approve.
She then moved house, (same area) and we started to drift. I never saw the new house, and she changed address (obvs), landline number, email (as Tiscali didn't cover new area ) and got a new mobile. I did't realise until about 6 weeks later that I I hadn't heard from her (busy, work, kids etc - on both parts) so send a 'New Home' card via our (by now secondary-school-aged) kids.

I heard nothing until about 7 months later - a 3 line email about her eldest dd who'd left home at 15; a violent, disturbed child. A further 5 months later I got another email, demanding to know why i'd 'dropped off the planet' and at that point I wrote back. Asking how I was supposed to contact her, with new address, new email, new landline, new mobile...(telepathy, perhaps?) and I'd assumed she had dropped me.
Her daughter (by now about 18, and moved back in) replyed to my email Saying her DM had never liked me. That 'thank goodness for (my) DCfather's name' - with me for a mum, my kids have no hope, and that I was stuck in the 70's (no idea where this came from - possibly bad mouthing another friend who'd had a 70's themed party). That her DM was busy busy, looking after her kids (unlike me I assume,lol) and her parents, one of whom had passed away (not knowing that I have had the same!)

I wrote back, saying that I had written to ExFriend, not her daughter, that I assume all DD had said was parroting back from ExF herself (as the dd had never even met my exH!). And that I had no interest in continuing contact.

I saw ExF in Tesco a few years later; we said Hello, I moved on.

I have. They were friends with someone they knew I didn’t get on with. At the time I was involved in some very public art work that kept being vandalised. The only person I ever revealed the location of these works to was my friend, who it turned out was telling the person they knew I didn’t get on with where the works were, who was then sabotaging my work out of spite.

It was always me making all the effort to meet up and the friend then moved to the coast and we didn’t see each other as often. I then found out they had been coming back to the town we lived in every weekend to see other friends but didn’t tell me.

I just let it fizzle out and stopped bothering. I sometimes wonder about them but I have no regrets.

Yes. Twice. One I don't regret at all (she was my closest friend at the time, but got into heroin and completely changed, she stole from me and other friends repeatedly). The other I regret very much and it happened as a result of my abusive relationship in my early 20s and being kept away from friends and family by my (now) ex. I miss her and the friendship we had.

Absolutely. Someone I thought was a friend but the more I got to know her the more I realised she was just constantly draining and moaning yet at the same time did nothing to help herself out of the mess she was in.

She was jealous the more she found out about me and my life. I thought she was nice but it was my husband who pointed out she was nice when she wanted to be - to people who she could use to her advantage. Since my eyes being opened I realised she is actually quite a nasty person to "ordinary" people and she's immensely unhappy as cannot help comparing herself to others who are - for whatever reason - happier, more in control of their lives, more successful.

I dropped her. I'd like to explain why but I know she'd not believe it, would be angry and somehow turn it against me. I'd like her to ask me but she hasnt which kind of says it all.....

Life is MUCH better without. save your energy and time for yourself, and for others who deserve you.

Not pro-actively, but we sort of drifted apart and I have never tried to close the distance. Just went different paths in life, it is quite hard to stick with someone who likes partying until 3am and disappearing with random men from tinder for days, when you're married for decades and generally in bed by 9. I don't think she noticed TBH. And I don't miss her.

Twice

The aunt of a long standing friend pointed out that she wasn't a good friend to me for several reasons. I reflected & realised she was correct.
I decided to wait for her to contact me rather than the other way round. I'm still waiting. I do, from time to time, miss her. We have a huge shared past. She's an expert in reinventing herself at different stages of her life.

The other had history for being good friends with someone and it ending in NC. I got tired of her being late every time we arranged to meet (were talking 30 mins-1hr routinely) so would only meet if she picked me up at my house & I had nothing else planned that day.
Our friendship just faded away.

It's sad but friendship is supposed to be a two way thing and I'm not prepared to do all the running around after anyone.

First time I dropped a friend intentionally was in my early teens, let's say I've always been clear on my boundaries 🤣

Then perhaps that is where it should have stayed - with you -

We are very good here at being supportive, but missives like yours stretch the patience of the mildest of readers.
This post here ^ also combative, rude, unnecessary.

Yes i did once. She was not a good friend at all and i suppose I had spent so long making allowances and excuses it just came to a head for me during my own difficult time and it was the best thing I ever did next to having my children 😂

I dropped a friend about ten years ago as got fed up with her racist comments. Its very hurtful when she referred to my friends using racist terms

We were both visiting a town about 30 miles away and I snapped at her and took the buses alone.

About ten days later I was at a retirement meal and she was there (she worked at my place a few years prior) Never once spoke to the retiree. She said a load of lies about me which was bloody embarrassing. She was never allowed to go to any more work dos anymore.

That's awful, I have no time now for selfish people now. They weren't technically friends to begin with, real friends wouldn't act that way.

@MUCHtodoAboutSomething , I think we did ! I was a struggling, single parent at the time , and it was too much .

Yes, but not really dropped, just withered away! Known her 60 years, and we had a falling out about something unbelievably minor I said to her (for info... it was just five words!) It was honestly nothing, and my god did I try to make it better. However, she then unleashed hell on me!
Literally pent up nastiness pouring out, a complete annihilation of my character, everything about me, just really horrible. Twice she did this over hours. And I took it, because I was trying to understand what the problem was. And make things better. What a fool I was.

I think she has always been very very envious of me, and she burst like a dam! I could not believe some of the stuff she was saying to me after a friendship spanning decades. Stuff from the 80s and 90s were twisted into complete lies. I think she's always hated me or something! (This has happened with two other friends of hers, so not just me, but I was the longest standing friend)

It is a complete relief, being friends with her was treading on eggshells all the time, she was always close to taking offence for no reason. And I was forever working hard at not saying the wrong thing.

I didn't ghost her. We just both don't contact each other! It is irrepairable. I do see her occasionally because of mutual friends but wished I didn't see her at all.
Its a shame isn't it... the only person I've known all my life.

I've been on the receiving end of a suspected friend drop - though I don't believe there's any malicious intent. For context, we were best friends from work some time ago, we no longer live locally, she was first to have kids.

We used plan meet ups well in advance, chat regularly on the phone which got less and less frequent. Then I noticed she'd take weeks/months to reply to messages and after a while even the texts stopped. I noticed there are frequent Facebook updates of social things they're doing but seems they're focusing more on local friendships now and I guess with families with similar aged children.

It makes me really sad that someone I was once so close to has drifted away but I guess things like this evolve over time and I wish her all the best. I'm hopeful but not expectant that one day she'll be in touch again.

Yes - very long term friend but was always selfish and demanding, and horrible to people if she thought they were drawing more attention than her. Lots of privilege, but her life was worse than everyone else's, regardless of what anyone else had going on. Also cannot handle drinking and becomes aggressive, but it was always someone else's fault.

She got to a point where she confronted a number of the group and told us how horrible we were, and we were just straightforward back. No contact since, and the whole mood of the group has lifted! No underlying tensions and no more walking on eggshells on nights out.

Only awkward aspect is that one member of the group keeps in touch and harbours hopes that we'll all reunite, but I don't see that happening.

I think we must have had the same friend! It is exhausting isn't it, especially when you think they have came to actually see you and take in interest in your life!

Yes, two notable ones - and then of course several acquaintance level ones before they made it to full friendship.

First was at uni. I regret this one - we were really close in first year (met in halls), moved into a flat together (along with two others) in second year. Third year we all decided we couldn’t live with her anymore, so all went our separate ways (she definitely meant well but was quite bossy/controlling and did a couple of things that really crossed the line).

Now with way more life experience I can completely see that it was all dealt with badly. I think it was a clash of deep seated issues that we had that needed working on - I really regret not talking to her properly about it. This completely changed the course of my life - I ended up marrying one of my next flat mates (she told me he was wrong for me and she was right). Now 20 years into second marriage - that wouldn’t have happened either if I had stayed sharing a flat with her.

Last one is recent. 15 year friendship - had lots in common but now very little. I could write pages and pages about this one. I’ll summarise to say that she displays many characteristics of covert narcissism that got worse with time. Now we’re both in our fifties I just can’t tolerate it any longer. No big falling out (live in same town/mutual acquaintances) but over the course of a couple of years I started sticking to a few boundaries (made her even worse) and then never suggesting meeting up/initiating contact.

I definitely think things are better now (after latest) but it is still on my mind too much - I should’ve got out years ago! At least I really know the signs now though. My two closest lifelong friends have never displayed any! I worry that my boundaries are too high now.

The friend I dropped Would talk constantly about her relationship problems, without doing anything to change the situation.

Yes. Twice. The first time she was given another chance after a decade of no contact but hadn't changed. I felt I had to tough it out for the sake of mutual friends, but was never able to relax around her.

It felt like a weight had lifted when she was ejected from my life for good.

I've dropped a few over the years. Looking back, they weren't friends in the first place really.

One in particular used to always refer to me as 'ugly' and tell me I couldn't 'get away with' whatever I was wearing that day. She's just a nasty person, is jealous of anyone who has things that she wants, and from what I've heard in passing, has very few friends these days as she's done the same thing to so many. She also constantly whined about anything and everything so that was another reason to ditch her, too!

Yes, in the process of it now. Long term friend. She made no effort for my big birthday last year. I didn't even get a card. No apologies. I couldn't say anything as a short time later she became ill. But it's been nearly a year now and I'm amazed she hasn't asked me what's wrong

Yes - but I did it badly (by sort of ghosting, as I’m a complete coward). She was constantly negative and spent all of our meet-ups ranting about her family and colleagues. Most of her other friends had fallen out with her and she couldn’t see that she was the common denominator. She didn’t actually do anything awful, but just sucked the life out of me every time we spoke, and wanted long phone calls where she gave an angry monologue about her job and I couldn’t get a word in edgeways. It was only when my youngest DC was going through hospital tests for a potentially serious condition and she couldn’t even feign concern, that I realised she was just using me to ventilate her unhappiness.

Now I’ve typed this out it makes me look awful, and I still feel bad about it.