Upset with my MIL after father passing away?

I don't think YABU, but I do think that you need to ask for a day when she's free if you want that help. Yes, it would be better if she had offered another day, but you can't assume she'll never help if you haven't asked. One of you needs to reply to her and ask which day this week she would be free for a couple of hours. If she still says no, THEN I would be upset.

I loathe, with a passion, people who say, "oh please, let me know if I can do anything to help". So you let them know of something they can do to really help and then they come up with a flaky reason as to why they can't help

Fuckers, all of them

Yes I think this is rubbish. A traumatic bereavement like this is an enormous deal. I'm not surprised you can't summon the energy to feel angry at the moment.

I hope you find that there are people, sometimes quite unexpected ones, who will be real friends to you. Don't let your MIL's entirely-in-character uselessness put you off asking other people who had offered to help.

She offered to help but surely no one would expect her to cancel plans for you to have a break?

I totally get needing a break. But couldn’t you just ask when she is free to have them for a bit?

Did you not go back to her checking if free Tues or Wed? Does it have to be tomorrow? I could understand if you had specific plans tomorrow and needed them, but to ask just to break up their day, I think it’s okay for it to be another day surely?

Your DH is fuming because she didn’t want to cancel plans for lunch with a friend the day before it was due to happen just to ‘break up their day’?

That sounds like quite an extreme reaction.

An offer of help doesn’t mean ‘I will automatically be willing to let my friends down at the drop of a hat for no real reason’.

Would she be willing to have the children another day?

That’s so shit OP. I hate these empty “let me know what I can do” offers.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, and yes, you'd hope that family step up.

I would take this as a ringing reminder for your dh to provide support to you and his household, and remember this the next time his mum asks for help or care, his wife and children's wellbeing at a difficult time is currently lower than a lunch date.

You quite rightly have the read of her, but it's your dh who needs to understand what her actions reflect more broadly, and communicate that with her.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You really do find out who people actually are during times of difficulty and loss, don't you?

"Tell me if there's anything I can do to help. No not like that that's far too inconvenient".

She offered to help. Remind her of that. Or it would be a grudge I held on to. When my dgm was in icu ils did naff all. When my dm was in having cancer surgery and dh was at work they never even offered me a lift there or back. Instead I took 2 dc under 3 by 2 buses..

So sorry to hear about your father's sudden passing.

I would also be annoyed with MIL, but I wouldn't have expected any actual help after what happened when your mum was ill. Some people just like to say nice things like 'oh I'd love to help' without any real intention of following through. They think saying the words is enough.

I mean, she actually offered help so I’d message back saying yes, having the kids for a couple of hours would be so helpful thank you, when can you manage it? Make her squirm if nothing else!

Did he ask if she could do another day when she doesn't have a preexisting commitment?

Say the day after or any other day in the week?

YANBU - she is just paying lip service and doesn’t seem to be proactively trying to help. I wouldn’t necessarily expect her to alter plans but you’re right to hope she might suggest an alternative day/time/week! There is no point pushing it though… If she can’t see it then it’s not help worth having. So sorry for your loss. X

People say they want to be told what they can do to help but really they don't want to be inconvenienced in any way. I'd just chalk it up as part of the usual low expectations to be had of some family members tbh.