Upset with my MIL after father passing away?

My god, any normal person would drop lunch with a friend to help out in this situation. I'm so sorry for your loss OP x

I'm so sorry for your loss
I think you should let your friend take the kids out tomorrow, if you were my friend I would want to help you as much as I could, and she has offereded to have the kids tomorrow and one on the day of the funeral, you're not taking advantage, you're letting her support you.

Even though you're not surprised by how unhelpful your MIL is, it's still very hurtful.

I’m really sorry for your loss, OP.

Your DH should ask his mum when she can have the children this week, and what days suit her next week. As long as she has some notice she really should be able to sort out helping with the children.

There’s no shame in parking kids in front of a movie or two when you need a break. Be kind to yourself and don’t push yourself to do more than is necessary just now.

Please ask your friend and let her know you’re okay with her saying no and would rather prioritise the funeral. She might be happy to. I’d help you! Sending strength to all of you, hope your antibiotics work quickly and you’re feeling better physically soon. Eat and drink enough, sleep when you can. Will hold you in my thoughts.

Noooo. Some people will just respond with something that really doesn’t help. If you have to do this, it’s ’thank you so much for the offer: taking the kids out for a few hours would be a huge help, when would that work? They’d have to be back by 5 for dinner.’

otherwise they volunteer to sit and get you to run around and make tea and they can talk about their troubles or they take the kids out late so the parents have to deal with the fallout….

I agree.

Your MIL sounds like one of those people that gets all the good feels from offering, but never ever follows through.

Undoubtedly she will be telling her friend over lunch about how she’s poised and ready, just waiting at the end of the phone to help, and will bask in the friend telling her how wonderful she is.

In future a more open ended response will make it more difficult for her to to squirm out of it - something like “thanks MIL, it’d be great if you could take the kids for a couple of hours, when suits you?”.

She didn’t even need to reschedule her plans, it’s lunch, an hour or two surely, she could have taken DC in the morning or afternoon.

She wants to feel good that she offered but can’t really be arsed to actually do anything helpful. Something to remember if she asks for a favour anytime soon.

DH must be worried about you, his anger is perfectly reasonable. Is there a friend who’d have them for a bit? It’s always a surprise who steps up and who lets you down in times of strife. I hope you find better people to help if you ask. And I’m so very sorry your dad died 💐💐💐

This.

I sympathise OP. She could have rearranged the lunch, or at least offered another time.

Never been offered help, but once I asked my dad to look after my 11 month old baby so I could go to an appointment in London. It would have been 3-4 hours of childcare (including travel time for me to get from home to London, do the appointment and then back home).

The answer was “no, WE (him and stepmother) don’t look after grandchildren”. Bullshit as her grandchildren are there a lot.

A week later, I’d tried a few different options and DH couldn’t change his work meetings that day, so I pleaded with my dad and he still said no.

In the end, I booked a nanny through an agency. I took my baby on the train into London, met the nanny at the station, we caught a taxi together to the clinic, then I asked this nice stranger to walk around for an hour pushing DD in her pram and meet me back at the clinic. Thankfully she was lovely and helped me again the week after when I had a follow appointment.

Never forgotten or forgiven my dad for that. Our relationship suffered greatly.

I think she should have prioritised you in this situation. I’m sorry for your dad x

She doesn’t sound very nice

im sorry for your loss..

your MIL did ask if she could help, but it doesnt mean she has to drop everything to help you.

perhaps reply back asking when would be a suitable time for her to take the kids?

It was lunch with a friend not a medical appointment, unless the friend is on deaths door themselves or lives so so far away visits are rare then I think she should have cancelled for you.

I'm sorry she's been unsupportive, is there anyone else that can help?

That's crap op I am sorry.

My ex in laws were the same a few years ago when I had a miscarriage. Full of sadness and empty offers of help but they refused to babysit an asleep ds1 for 3 hours when I had to be rushed to hospital, and was told not to drive myself. I've never forgotten or forgiven it.

Sorry for your loss too

This is my experience too. The people who gush and offer the most are sometimes the least willing to do jack shit. I had a neighbour telling me she could pick up dd any time I needed to sort out the estate / funeral and she flat refused the only time I asked her. They are in same class, its a five minute drive.

I'd never ask her again. When i was ever late I'd just ask the office or get my older kids to walk down.

Likewise FIL is,always offering help with stuff but when I reflect he has never ever once done any of these,big gestures.

For these kind of people you just need to say "thanks but I know your busy". I think they enjoy getting your profuse thanks for something they have no intention of doing. A brief "we will cope" throws them

Telling anyone during the week that their dad died that how they are feeling is an overreaction demosntartes an outstanding lack of empathy. Much like the MIL had demonstrated.

OP yes you’re right any decent person would have rearranged the plans and/or found a way to work around them or at the very least offered an alternate time.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you get help from somewhere x x x

Well she did have plans tbf, I think 'fuming' is an overreaction.
I'd be saying thanks so much for the offer, that would be so helpful at this difficult time. When works for you?

This

Or maybe Ops husband should have asked about another day.Or instead of assuming she would be free tomorrow, he could have asked ‘is there any day this week you can take the kids for a few hours?’.

Rather than get annoyed that she won’t cancel plans with Friend at a days notice.

I do agree with this. They are also your children, if it were me I’d reply back saying is there any way you could have them another day in the week? MIL might come back and say yes I can do x date and x date. Problem solved

Sorry for the loss of your dad xx

Expecting her to be available at one specific time is unreasonable.

in the moment she should have thought to offer a different day, but it’s possible she wasn’t thinking quickly enough. Your DH should ask her again, but be less specific. Ask if she could take the kids to do something fun one day this week.

MIL should have immediately offered to have them another day!! She was the one who offered help in the first place!