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Original poster

Conversations around race with your partner

211 replies

ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 15:32

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What does that actually mean? Could you explain?

BobbyBiscuits · 28/07/2024 20:52

This is horrendous! I've simply never felt racist language acceptable. It's abhorrent.
I really don't know what to say other than if you're not anti-racist you're racist.

OuchandBurn · 28/07/2024 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:51

I also haven't seen the relative since this happened and I'm worried about a family function as I really will struggle to speak to this person.

But I feel obliged too otherwise I'm just creating more 'problems'.

OP posts:
timeforyetanotherusername · 28/07/2024 20:40

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:36

@ireallyneedsuppport write the letter. But if he says anything other than you’re overreacting and being dramatic I’ll send you £50.

Yeah, another £50 here.

3CustardCreams · 28/07/2024 20:40

I couldn’t tolerate this. He probably shares the same views as his relative. If you weren’t married I would say you should leave

Original poster
ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:39

@Cas112 he did admit the slur was wrong but it took far too long IMO to get there, and I didn't see why there was any defence at all for the family member - aside from he's disgusted in them and upset given his wife is of colour.

It should have been that and ended there!

OP posts:
timeforyetanotherusername · 28/07/2024 20:39

@ireallyneedsuppport It's complicated, but it effectively involved rejecting the need for representation in a traditionally white space and it cut me both personally and professionally. He went all out and made some very mean-spirited comments to a number of my professional contacts.

A racist never changes. He could get better at hiding it, but he's never going to give a shit about race and why it's important to you.

Is that a compromise you can live with?

I couldn't, so I didn't.

QuickMember · 28/07/2024 20:39

ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:34

@QuickMember that's a really good idea to write a letter. Thank you x

You’re welcome, hope it works out.

Original poster
ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:38

@Cas112 there have been other instances too I feel terrible putting them here as I feel like I'm disclosing too much

He said something regarding my surname and this was in front of others. We already dealt with this but he basically said my name isn't even my name (due to the ancestral trauma attached to it he later explained what he meant and apologised as I told him how badly it upset me), so why would I be opposed to changing it on marriage.

He said he was being caring by acknowledging the history, but I failed to see it.

This was also a recent issue we had, there have been a few more recently too but I don't want to explain them all.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:36

@ireallyneedsuppport write the letter. But if he says anything other than you’re overreacting and being dramatic I’ll send you £50.

Original poster
ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:34

@QuickMember that's a really good idea to write a letter. Thank you x

OP posts:
Cas112 · 28/07/2024 20:33

There are so many things that could be said and a racial slur never needs to be one of them

He and his family are racist

QuickMember · 28/07/2024 20:33

ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 15:32

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

Could you write your husband a letter? Either email it to him or use it to have a discussion with him. I know this sounds very formal but writing helps me in discussions. For context, I am Indian, husband is English. Luckily we’re on the same page for many things including race but there are somethings he doesn’t pick up on as much as me. Good luck, you’ll be fine, don’t worry you’re on the right track.

SeeSeeRider · 28/07/2024 20:26

@ireallyneedsuppport

He has said he thinks there are more important world issues and that we can have different views and should accept not everyone is as passionate about the same things.

But surely some things are non-negotiable, and isn't racism one of them? Can't you see that he is saying (clearly and explicitly) that if an issue is important to you, it isn't really important? Is he saying you should shut up if someone used racist language because of global warming or Ukraine?

Why are you with this guy who has shown you what he is? Has he beaten you down so you can't express how you feel?

He sounds either dim or very arrogant (or possibly he is both!).

You need to leave this man. I think you posted this on Mumsnet because you are starting to know this in yourself. Please be strong and carry on.

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:25

We've never been on the same page really with these issues

How did you get married given this?

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:24

ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:17

@Merryoldgoat the racist comment wasn't at me it was an incident one of his family members had with someone else.

We've never been on the same page really with these issues.

He has said he thinks there are more important world issues and that we can have different views and should accept not everyone is as passionate about the same things.

I'm so upset by all of this.

I’m going to be really harsh but you have no business being with someone who isn’t willing to understand how important race is as a black woman.

Racism isn’t a valid ‘alternative viewpoint’ FFS.

I have two children, house, mortgage etc and I’d end my marriage if my husband behaved the way yours does.

It’s just as big a deal if the comment is directed at your or someone else.

SeeSeeRider · 28/07/2024 20:19

ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 16:52

@SeeSeeRider I mean are you white?

I am brown (ish) . Half white Anglo Saxon half Turkish. I can pass for either side. I dumped a bloke who saw nothing wrong in his father talking about a 'touch of the tarbrush' because it 'was not aimed at me personally'. A number of dim whites see racism as just sort of rudeness on steroids, and not as an unsurmountable moral failing, as I do.

timeforyetanotherusername · 28/07/2024 20:19

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:14

Sometimes I'm white-passing and I think in the moment, the idiot forgot that I'm not actually white British.

Yes - I’ve been privy to some bloody awful things from people who didn’t know my heritage because I look European (apparently)

I'm sorry you hear this shit, too.

I accept that white-passing gives me a huge amount of privilege over people who don't look white at all. But the cost of that privilege is sometimes being included in conversations which you wish you didn't get to hear. :(

I don't pass any judgment on anyone who accidentally marries a racist. Not all racists are openly Farage. Many more come across as well-mannered and polite... until something comes up in conversation and you can't reconcile that comment with the person you thought you knew. Most racists hide racism well a lot of the time.

Original poster
ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:18

@timeforyetanotherusername can I ask what the comment was if you don't mind?

OP posts:
Original poster
ireallyneedsuppport · 28/07/2024 20:17

@Merryoldgoat the racist comment wasn't at me it was an incident one of his family members had with someone else.

We've never been on the same page really with these issues.

He has said he thinks there are more important world issues and that we can have different views and should accept not everyone is as passionate about the same things.

I'm so upset by all of this.

OP posts:
Wheredidthebackboobscomefrom · 28/07/2024 20:16

Never okay to bring race into any argument to cause hurt or offence.

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:14

Sometimes I'm white-passing and I think in the moment, the idiot forgot that I'm not actually white British.

Yes - I’ve been privy to some bloody awful things from people who didn’t know my heritage because I look European (apparently)

timeforyetanotherusername · 28/07/2024 20:11

I dumped someone over this. He was very nice to me but he made some comments about someone else that I just couldn't forgive. He thought it was a major overreaction.

Sometimes I'm white-passing and I think in the moment, the idiot forgot that I'm not actually white British.

Merryoldgoat · 28/07/2024 20:11

His reply, you'll say the first thing back that you know is going to hurt the most as that's what people do in arguments.

No it’s not. And if that’s how he views arguments he’s a prize arsehole.