Conversations around race with your partner

You can get him to read books, write him letters, make impassioned pleas to his better nature etc…but ultimately you’re wasting your breath.

He clearly holds racist views.
He doesn’t seem to really understand what racism is (evident from the way he minimises blatant examples of it).
He can’t be bothered to open his mind enough to learn more or see things from a different perspective.

All that would be a deal breaker for me, but the most hurtful thing about all of this is…He doesn’t CARE how this affects YOU. Therefore, how can he really care about you at all?

Don’t have children with this guy. Don’t commit to a life with him. You deserve much better.

I was friends with someone who made a supposedly friendly joke about another girl in our groups eyes (half korean). The joke was said amongst quite a few other people. Everybody laughed but I could tell the girl was really upset by it. Nobody flagged up that it was inappropriate. I dropped that friend

@ireallyneedsuppport I'm not sure what kind of upbringing and the environments you have lived in, but it sounds like you would benefit from some therapy to unpick why you feel you should try and find reasons to keep living alongside the people who keep belittling you like this.

Your race is something you have NO control over. Your DH family members and friends using racial slurs that offend you is not ok. Your DH shrugging his shoulders and saying you're imagining/using the race card/focussing on race too much is not ok.

You trying to educate him is like banging your head against a brick wall; you are the one who will end up with deep mental and emotional scars from this.

Continuing to live in this situation will drive you to a mental health crisis if you do not leave, and I don't say that lightly.

@ireallyneedsuppport

I’m sorry but I think you’re deluded. I don’t know how you can enjoy the company of someone who shows you such contempt and lacks any consideration for your race and heritage.

From experience, I don't think he ever would. This is my second interracial relationship. I was married to the first one for 14 years and we have 2 children. The first time his family met the DC (we used to live in my home country) they asked them if we didn't bread in my home country. They were enjoying their bread to much.
It was 14 years of micro aggressions like this and as the kids grew up, ex DP would make excuses for them and it really hurt my daughters. Now they barely see their dad or his family.
I was sure I had vetted my new DP after all that but here I am

this isn't a good environment to raise mixed race children in, please for your own mental health ditch that man!

@ireallyneedsuppport as I said before, he doesn't want to change. He doesn't think he should, he doesn't think being racist is a big deal. Wtf do you mean professional help?? Maybe a lobotomy 🙄

You can't make him change. All you can do is decide if you want to be with a racist/apologist for the rest of your life.

Honestly you need to end this relationship. I don’t say that lightly. This man has no intention of changing or having any empathy even for a woman he supposedly loves. He will continue to gaslight and minimise. Any children you have will also be brought up in this environment and god knows what effect that will have on their mental health and confidence. If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

@ireallyneedsuppport

Are they in your plans? If so would you honestly be happy with him parenting you mixed child? Taking them to see his family and they talk about how ‘it’s a shame they turned out darker than they thought’ or ‘thank god they’re so light’ - hearing that language? Would be he going to school when your child is subjected to racism to deal with it properly? Or will he tell them to ‘shrug it off’.

What is keeping you with him? Do you honestly love him given how little respect he shows you?

He’s not it OP - you need to have a hard think.

I would not be able to get past this and would actually end my marriage over this. It's too important. Your husband doesn't have your back. The motivated by race comment would send me over the edge.

My partner is like this if not worse We have been together for 4 years and it's only started these past few months. I didn't see it coming was totally blindsided. But the signs were probably there...
A year and a half into our relationship, his female friend called me a racial slur and he huffed and puffed about how he wasn't going tolerate it. Well they are still friends and have weekly phone calls.
The latest obsession is that there is a plan to fill Europe with brown people. And most crimes in Europe are committed by brown people and the police and government skew the stats to hide this by calling them British. Apparently if they broke British down, it will show that most of them were not white.
I am also told not to take this personally. Well I am of African descent so impossible not to take it personally.

I have mentally and emotional exited the relationship. I need to sort out some investments we have made together. Luckily I own my house and he doesn't actually live here more than a few days every week so I dont have to see him or listen to the nonsense everyday. I cannot see myself in another inter racial relationship after this. I am scarred by the experience.

It is just as simple as @Starseeking has painted it to be. This is the truth staring you in the face. Please don't look away.

@ireallyneedsuppport do you have children?

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life tolerating "micro-aggressions" and you DH gaslighting you by minimising them, I'd suggest leaving him.

Otherwise, stay exactly where you are, go blue in the face trying to educate him, and keep feeling disrespected.

...HINT: He won't ever be told.

You/he will never out root racism in his family. This much I do know.

Found the racist.

You nasty creep. Reported.