Conversations around race with your partner

No, I don’t resort to personal insults. Period. I’m able to argue effectively without doing so.

Your point is specious and speaking as a woman of colour you don’t get to ‘remind’ me of anything regarding the offensiveness of racist comments.

His reply, you'll say the first thing back that you know is going to hurt the most as that's what people do in arguments.

What?! This guy sounds dreadful. This is not normal behaviour from reasonable, mature adults. It’s the sort of behaviour parents train their children out of!

The more you talk about him the worse he sounds.

OP - I don't usually recommended ending a relationship but on this occasion you do need to leave him.

I'm in a mixed-race marriage (I'm black and DH is white) and when we first started dating he didn't think that racism really existed, as he didn't know anyone who was racist. The next 2 nights we went out, we travelled on transport where people were openly shouting the n word. I called the people out but DH didn't say anything, which really upset me. Turned out he was genuinely shocked to had witnessed this and was scared to say anything, as he didn't want any harm to come to us. Since then, DH has been acutely aware that racism does still exist and won't hesitate to call anyone out.

The fact that your DH doesn't challenge his family & friends and frequently minimises situations where racial slurs/comment's are made is evidence that he won't change, especially as he claims he can't be racist because he's married to a black woman.

Please leave him, for your own sake and to save your sanity because no marriage should amount to lifetime of micro-aggressions and minimising which I fear would be the case if you stayed.

I agree @HillBillieEilish .

"That unarmed man was shot, well - he provoked the shooter"

Yes, or he must have been doing something wrong to be shot in the first place, or whatever million, and one excuses that they come up with, to justify a black man being shot in cold blood.

@LadyKenya yes, you're absolutely right in that they should know not to say it, they shouldn't be thinking it and anyone who hears it should challenge it.

What I mean is the racism is so ingrained into white British culture that he will swear til he is blue in the face that he's not racist. Ask him on any day if that slur is ok to say and he will likely say no, not ok. Ask him what would really hurt a person and he'd say the racial slur. He is racist and he doesn't care enough to try to get it. A bad combination. He is saying it as he would say any other "insult". Not because it is an insult but because he knows it hurts and doesn't understand the context underneath enough to know why, just that it does. The result is the same. He's racist and nasty.

I got in an argument with a sibling in-law about something casually antisemitic they said and they said 'Why do you care? You're not Jewish'. My DH completely backed me up instantly. It's caused a rift which we are happy to let continue! It might have started doubts growing if he hadn't, but he and I think alike on these issues, or we wouldn't be together.

This, even if you put aside his being ok with racism, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who argues like this. This should (also) be relationship ending.
I have never said anything to hurt in an argument… and most people don’t. At some level this is quite rotten to the core.

It speaks volumes about their belief system.

Remember, this is a random person that started an argument with them. This may not be how you operate with your husband for example but it sounds like with this encounter there wasn't an issue to resolve per se and it was just nastiness.

I'd like to think most people don't have vindictive arguments with strangers and therefore can't necessarily comprehend this situation for what it is. Male braggadocio.

That's why people like this use it, it's not a random insult. They know it's going to hurt the recipient a lot. It says nothing of their belief system other than they know it's going to have a significant impact on. However, as above, I don't think a person of any intellect or understanding would use this insult.

This point about arguing and being deliberately hurtful as possible is interesting.

That isn’t how I argue. I don’t want to hurt the other person - we’re disagreeing and I want to deal with the issue. I want there to be a relationship to nurture at the other side of the fallout.

I don’t and wouldn’t use personal insults during an argument and anyone who does is a person I’m not interested in being with.

In 19 years DH and I have never insulted each other. I am able to disagree and convey my point without resorting to personal insults as is he.

@HucklefinBerry hit the nail on the head…

But using race suggests you think there is something inherently lesser about another race.

It’s not just a random insult, it exposes something about your core belief system. It may even be an unconscious bias but it’s there and needs to be worked on.

@ATenShun the difference between calling someone a 'fat c**t' and a racial slur is that fat people have not been systematically raped, tortured and enslaved in the same way people of colour have. There is absolutely descrimination and prejudice towards fat people, and poor people yes. The closest comparable example I can think of, is a male partner using sexist derogatory language in front of or towards his female partner. It gives a good indication of that man's beliefs about women regardless of what he might think or say.

But using race suggests you think there is something inherently lesser about another race.

You wouldn't slur someone for being a brunette or having green eyes.

The only reason you would use a racial slur is because somewhere in you there is a genuine belief that the other person's race is a negative
In other words. You're a racist if you use a racist slur

That’s so well put.

Yeah... I think you need to end this relationship - he isn't going to change, he doesn't believe there is any need to do so.

Whilst I agree that 'racism' is a VERY broad brush, covering the most heinous, violent and abhorrent actions, thoughts and beliefs, all the way down to the incredibly tiny, obscure references someone may be thoroughly unaware of and this in itself causes issues...

There is zero defence for him standing by whilst people use obviously racist language in front of you.

I think this is far more of an issue than an argument between two people where both are flinging insults designed to hurt - I think we've all said some horrible things we do not actually think, in the heat of the moment. That doesn't make it right... but it isn't a wildly unusual behaviour.

There a big big difference between being offensive and being racist.

My husband's family expressed some racist and problematic views. Specifically his parents.

I can't talk about things like this without getting emotional so I basically wrote a long text.

I basically said that ethnic minorities are all connected. Because we all have faced some level of oppression. And that the actions that have caused it may be different. And the place it occured in may be different. But the generational trauma is there for all of us, so we are forever connected. I said they can't pick and choose good and bad minorities because we are connected. And because of that they're not just expressing a view about one person, they are making a statement that anyone not white is less than. They are making a statement to my child that her mother is less than. That SHE is less than.

I then linked them to some resources, suggested they educate themselves and told them that until they reflect and address their thought processes, my daughter and I won't be seeing them, because a racist household isn't a safe environment for a non white child. She doesn't need to be hearing those opinions.

They apologised and they have educated themselves a tiny bit. And they're not racist when we visit. So... Baby steps I guess

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

I think advice is going to be advice for any toxic relationship- think about the least worst example that you let go and what you would say in that scenario to set a really firm boundary that its not acceptable to you. Then next time it happens set that boundary. And if it's crossed that's it, done.

In my example the person is unkempt, not actually homeless. They have a choice to be better presented.

I'm not saying they're easily changed. I'm saying they can be.

I disagree. Do you think a homeless person is homeless by choice. Did somebody wake up one day and suddenly decide 'you know what, I wanna be fat'. Changing those things are incredibly difficult for a lot of people.

I can't really judge the relatives comments as obviously we don't know what was said or by who. But I do agree with the hubby's comment of dishing out offence and not expecting it back.

@ATenShun I agree completely and I can't answer it. I'm going off what I feel society has told me. I think it's the element of change. I can change being fat and looking homeless. I cannot change my skin colour.

However, I don't think this discussion affects OPs husband's or husbands relatives intentions. He sounds nasty.

That is always my biggest bugbear with anything like this. Who decides what is offensive or not. I'd suggest somebody struggling with body image and overweight, would be every bit as upset about a comment about his/her weight. What makes a comment that offends in that way less offensive than another?