Conversations around race with your partner

Interestingly just now my husband’s aunt made some racist comments in our family WhatsApp group.

I challenged them, she doubled down. I told her I was disappointed in her viewpoint and left the group.

My husband is outraged. He’s left the group too. He’s ready to start WW3 (which isn’t necessary). He didn’t minimise, ask me if I’d misunderstood, excused it because she’s old etc.

She was wrong and we’re not exposing ourselves to it.

I didn't see OP's other thread, it sounds awful.

I'm no psychologist but living with a man like this screams of carrying deep trauma from childhood which drummed into her that she was worthless. How related to being Black and female that was I couldn't say, but a specialist therapist/counsellor could help the OP to develop enough self-worth and love for herself to leave this situation. BAATN is a good place for her to start.

Until then she'll live for the good parts (there must be some) of this relationship and pretend the gaslighting abuse isn't happening. Hopefully she doesn't develop mental health problems in the meantime due to the amount of cognitive dissonance she'll need to apply to live in this manner.

I may have misunderstood here, what do you need a counsellor to specialise in?
Is it to help you understand your husband's racism in order to help him overcome this? Or is it to give you the tools to recognise and overcome the racist trauma you endure every single minute of the day you choose to remain with this POS and leave him?

Thank you so much @panachronic

https://www.baatn.org.uk

If your current counsellor does not share a similar lived experience to you as a Black women, I would stop seeing them immediately.

@Starseeking

I’m not sure if you saw OP’s thread last night under a different name, but it’s more than that.

He thinks ‘white people’ are under attack.

He’s an absolute piece and I’ve lost to ability to be patient with the OP.

She has no children, has family and friends, she works. She is married so has rights to any assets they have.

She has no reason to stay. None.

Counselling will do absolutely nothing to change him and that’s her aim. She’s not going to counselling to help her leave - it’s to help her understand his viewpoint. I’m at a complete loss as to how or why she’s still with him.

She’ll be here in a year asking the same questions.

Your white partner feels under attack because his Black partner has highlighted that his indifference/tacit acceptance of racist behaviour is not ok??? Do you not see how wrong that is?

I shudder for the mental gymnastics your mind must be doing to live through this kind of gaslighting trauma. Counselling will NOT help you here, unless your therapist is a person who "doesn't see colour".

You need to leave him before it gets worse.

@panachronic no, I'm struggling find one that specialises - if anyone has suggestion please let me know

Is your counsellor someone who specialises in the issues that have caused you to quite rightly seek support to help you work through this?

You should leave him. That’s what you should do.

No black person has any business being in a relationship with a racist.

It’s as simple as that.

Your thread (which got taken down) was full of people telling you what an idiot he is. Not a single person told you he had a valid viewpoint.

Counselling isn’t witchcraft - you aren’t going to get a racist to suddenly stop being racist.

I honestly don’t understand how you can be with him.

@Merryoldgoat I had already said he had said he feels under attack on this thread, I just wanted other peoples perspectives on it.

I'm attending counselling to work through this, not sure at this point what else to do.

@ireallyneedsuppport

Wtf are you doing with him OP? Seriously?

There is no way back from this.

@Merryoldgoat yes it was me asking about my partner on the other thread.

He's refusing to listening to you. His mind wandered there, he is racist.

That is understandable@ireallyneedsuppport . You have had a lot of good advice from posters. There is also the Black Mumsnetters board, in case you were not aware of it.

That is a shame regarding friends, and family. But you do need the support in rl, especially if you decide you are going to leave. At least if that happens, it would not be a bolt out of the blue for them, as they would have been aware that there were serious problems. You should not have to hide what is happening, they may be able to help you. You are struggling, as you say, and that will not magically get better on its own. Don't suffer in silence.

OP, sorry I can't recall you saying, but have you spoken to anyone in rl about the issues you are having?

I wouldn’t bother engaging with ATenShunSiikinBihavia. Obviously just on here to stir things.

Offended😂 I bet you will love that. It's the only reason you are here.

I think most people see you for what you are and being offended by someone like you will be a waste of anyone's time.

Carry on as you were though.

The same as being called fat as I recall from an earlier post of yours.
We keep hearing on threads like this about 'lived experiences'. I'm confident many people with obesity issues do get upset when they hear someone being called fat. Likewise a less attractive person hearing someone being called ugly. Why are your particular lived experiences so much more important than others. Has the OP or you gone home and had a discussion with your significant other about how offended you are that eg 'Mr Smith' had been called fat and ugly?

They are just words. If the OP, you or anyone else wishes to be offended by them, that is on them.

Oh look one of the devil's advocates😅

Therapy is a bit more than listening. A therapist also brings their lived experiences to their practice.

I don't actually know why I am replying....all of your posts so far seem to be confirming the very thing we are discussing. Moving the goal post and reframing things to make racism ok. The same as being called fat as I recall from an earlier post of yours.

perhaps find a therapist who can help you because you can't change him but they may give you some tools. It's hard to find a therapist who is the same heritage but I think it's important because white therapists are often hopeless at discussing race and it's impact.

But that surely is just as racist? You are saying that a white therapist is not as qualified to listen?