Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about this?

203 replies

Newbie8918 · 28/07/2024 11:23

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
surprisedactually · 09/08/2024 08:40

you poor thing having multiple family members that all spout this crap (and no doubt even more vile views on race and sexuality)

how have recent family events gone @Newbie8918 ?

Parisseb · 01/08/2024 09:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Parisseb · 01/08/2024 09:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

stickingatit · 30/07/2024 20:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Leanmeansmitingmachine · 30/07/2024 13:52

Why the fuck wouldn’t you correct them. I bloody would. Stand up for yourself.

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 12:29

It’s really made me appreciate my family and older members within it though! not having to put up with this kind of misogyny all the time shudder

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 12:28

you are now saying it isn’t “constant”

and you’re not “sick to death” of it

So i can’t really see how i’m telling you how to feel

but sounds like your summer is going to involve every weekend you feeling irritated and pissed off.

So i’ll hide thread now so as not to come back and piss you off further 😦

Original poster
Newbie8918 · 30/07/2024 10:59

Lampslights · 30/07/2024 09:46

I get this and it upsets me too, I outearn my husband, he is a high earner in his own right, but many people , mainly men, assume he is the higher earner, they ask me things like what does your husband do, if they come to the house to quote for work.

sometimes I’d correct, but I tend not to. As it feels like I’m putting my husband down, and it’s not their business. But it does annoy me.

Totally agree. It's scenarios like this that catch me off guard too. I also don't want to jump in and say 'I earn just as much thank you very much'. It feels weird to me. Like Im bragging.
Doesn't help that I also work from home full time, so I'm at home and available when they stop by for quotes 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbie8918 · 30/07/2024 10:53

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 09:30

So it’s really not “constant” and doesn’t sound like you should be “sick to death” about what you’re now presenting as lovely older generation folk not wishing any offence or harm.

Doesn’t sound like you’re really pissed off at all! which is a good thing as it’s only the start of the summer and by the sounds of it…. you have a shed load of family events ahead of you to ensure!

Thanks for telling me how I should feel.

Plenty of other posters are sharing the same experience on here too interestingly.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 30/07/2024 10:04

I'd have to say something and challenge them every single time it comes up. Something like "Oh...I see what you've done there...you seem to have the misguided impression that it's emasculating for my husband to earn less than I do...I'll clear that one right up. It's not. We're equals and I'd really rather not have to have this discussion every. single. time that we're talking about property or having work done in the house or whatever. It's getting tedious at this point and just shows how misogynistic you are so there's that too...." and walk away.

Lampslights · 30/07/2024 09:46

I get this and it upsets me too, I outearn my husband, he is a high earner in his own right, but many people , mainly men, assume he is the higher earner, they ask me things like what does your husband do, if they come to the house to quote for work.

sometimes I’d correct, but I tend not to. As it feels like I’m putting my husband down, and it’s not their business. But it does annoy me.

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 09:30

So it’s really not “constant” and doesn’t sound like you should be “sick to death” about what you’re now presenting as lovely older generation folk not wishing any offence or harm.

Doesn’t sound like you’re really pissed off at all! which is a good thing as it’s only the start of the summer and by the sounds of it…. you have a shed load of family events ahead of you to ensure!

Original poster
Newbie8918 · 30/07/2024 09:22

ThatAgileLimeCat · 30/07/2024 09:06

We play the "genuinely confused" card such as "why would she need to ask me for money", "why would he buy it when I'm the main earner...seems unfair" etc . Turns it straight back to them to explain and nobody can complain that you have misunderstood them. Also has added benefit of making them either backtrack or state their sexist assumptions more clearly so you can laugh at them, say "aw bless you" and move on.

Ooooh I like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbie8918 · 30/07/2024 09:22

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 08:55

In your OP you say you and DH and no intention of “ever” correcting them

but latest post indicates you and he always do

Its a bit confusing tbh

Yes it's confusing because I'm talking about specific subtle scenarios which are difficult to give examples of via text.

Those examples we find hard to correct.

When it's blatant. We both correct it

OP posts:
ThatAgileLimeCat · 30/07/2024 09:06

We play the "genuinely confused" card such as "why would she need to ask me for money", "why would he buy it when I'm the main earner...seems unfair" etc . Turns it straight back to them to explain and nobody can complain that you have misunderstood them. Also has added benefit of making them either backtrack or state their sexist assumptions more clearly so you can laugh at them, say "aw bless you" and move on.

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 08:56

oh builders i would t give a toss about

i would suggest that if you had your children around you when these relatives say these daft things… you would be a lot more forthright. Hopefully!

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 08:55

In your OP you say you and DH and no intention of “ever” correcting them

but latest post indicates you and he always do

Its a bit confusing tbh

Original poster
Newbie8918 · 30/07/2024 08:30

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 08:06

so what’s your plan now at next family event?

and no one has ever piped up in all these family events with… “hey i earn same or more as my husband / brother”
Do you have any children op? because i’d be very quick to put all these family members straight if they were making stupid comments like this at every family event in front of them

No children.

When it's my side I'm more forward in correcting them. My side are more obvious and seem to say it as a joke.

DHs side are less obvious and the assumptions are more subtle and this is where it feels weird to jump in and correct them. DH corrects them when he hears it but at times he's not part of the conversation.

Builders I couldn't give a shit about now. They always get told. Not bothered about being rude to them. When I said DH 'plays along' with the builders what I meant is, when they have obviously bypassed me and asks him a q, re refers them back to me even when he doesn't need to and tells them that I am responsible for signing off on XYZ.

OP posts:
persistentyes · 30/07/2024 08:06

so what’s your plan now at next family event?

and no one has ever piped up in all these family events with… “hey i earn same or more as my husband / brother”
Do you have any children op? because i’d be very quick to put all these family members straight if they were making stupid comments like this at every family event in front of them

Original poster
Newbie8918 · 30/07/2024 08:03

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 06:39

My family are idiots who wouldn't even
understand the word misogyny

Many of us are of this view OP
And fact all these multiple family members saying this to you are all from an “older generation” really is no excuse unless we are talking all of them approaching 100 (and even then… considering they were of working age in the 70s and 80s, a bit bloody weird!

The idea that children maybe listening to this kind of shite from family members surely is enough motivation for you OP not to be so “reserved” and for you and your DH to actually point blank address the misogyny at all these many family events.

I'm not excusing them! That's the point of the post. My issue was the other posters approach.

Having outdated and incorrect views doesn't mean someone is 'thick'. It means they have outdated and incorrect views. My point was, it's what they have known. It's their life experience. They are making an assumption based on how they have lived their life. I'm not saying everyone of a certain age lived like this etc. I was simply trying to give context and perspective.

They're not trying to be hurtful either. They're actually nice people. Not racist reform voters either, as someone else said!

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 30/07/2024 07:20

Oh gosh that is annoying, I earn more than my husband howrver am fortunate in that I haven't experienced this I suspect its due to us both working in known professions so identifiable.

What I would do is feed info to the main gossip and let them spread the news for you....can simply be in conversation that you earn 10k more than DH or 2 times or whatever it is.

Builders I find just assert yourself the minute you meet them and they get the idea.

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 06:42

My husband wouldn’t crack a smile or bluff it or “play up to it”. My husband would just clearly and directly state every time “odd and incorrect assumption there, as @persistentyes earns same as me”

has no other family member been present during all these instances that has piped up with “what are you talking about auntie / uncle / granny / grampa??? I earn same / more than my husband!!”

persistentyes · 30/07/2024 06:39

My family are idiots who wouldn't even
understand the word misogyny

Many of us are of this view OP
And fact all these multiple family members saying this to you are all from an “older generation” really is no excuse unless we are talking all of them approaching 100 (and even then… considering they were of working age in the 70s and 80s, a bit bloody weird!

The idea that children maybe listening to this kind of shite from family members surely is enough motivation for you OP not to be so “reserved” and for you and your DH to actually point blank address the misogyny at all these many family events.

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/07/2024 01:31

At the last comment from your uncle you should have said "actually it was my credit card".

suburberphobe · 30/07/2024 01:29

Were also private about finances so don't want to get into a conversation about what we earn!

Totally get that OP. I'm the same. It's no-one's business.

I just smile and nod and change the subject.

Most people are stuck in their little bubble.