To be offended he said this?

I was with someone depressed like that too. Almost dragged me down as well. You're fighting a losing battle. He'll be back depressed next week or even tomorrow. No thanks. Move on and waste no more of your valuable life.

He's grieving!!

Just this really.

I’d text him and say “Great to hear you had a good night - when are we going clubbing now you’re up for it again?”

See what he replies to that.

Agree with PP you have taken on the maternal cater role that centres everything about what he needs and wants , the friend has come along like light relief, a mate and off he goes leaving you at home.
You are not married, you haven't agreed to stick by him through the good times and bad or had his support through your bad times, like a healthy long established relationship does.
You don't really owe him anything and I think you will find it hard to ever step out of this selfless Mum dynamic and always be expected to tiptoe and put him first ( or will just do it subconsciously as he will continue to act like the person in charge with the most important needs).
It can be hard to be with someone suffering depression because they can be very self obsessed / indulgent and all you want to do is make it better and hope for the big payoff later.

Many people experience the trauma of grief without becoming controlling arseholes.

It sounds like the penny has dropped for you and you are probably just going to start feeling more and more resentful towards him.

I'd say send whatever message you (but a face to face conversation probably better) like, because it sounds like you are done here and therefore possible comeback from being knee jerk honest isn't really your concern.
If you feel angry and hurt why should you have to suppress that.

Remember how you felt last night and try not to be talked down because the feelings will just come back.

The night out and his behaviour around it has just shined a light on the bigger problems in your unbalanced and unhealthy relationship.

It reads like you have taken on the role of support person. Is that what you want?

It is lovely that you have supported him but it's ok to want more in a relationship. If the relationship is nice but not fun thus early on I'd question it.

Yes I would step back. To be honest you sound like you have thought of him much more than yourself and he has rubbed your nose in it. You cant keep someone wrapped up in cotton wool. Its sad he has lost his dad but we all go through that and get on as best we can. He sounds very self centered and loves the thought of having two women look after him. My advice is ditch him. Who needs to constantly pander to someone elses needs. Put yourself first and rid yourself of this man who by the sounds of it dosnt love you. There is no future in this for you. Just move on and hopefully meet someone who makes you happy.

I don't think it's a very healthy relationship dynamic. Let him heal on his own and then once he knows he can handle life (without alcohol) see if he wants you in it.

I agree with this. You’ve been used as his emotional crutch. There’s no longevity in this relationship. It was borne out of him needing emotional support and he’s moving on from that. You need to cut ties and move on yourself.

I’d be hurt as well. He didn’t need to rub your nose in it, or was that the alcohol talking? He hasn’t come to terms with losing his Father by a long way, it sounds as if this party gave him some temporary breathing space. I hope he doesn’t use this to anaesthetise his pain too often. I’d probably pull back a little and see if he genuinely wants a relationship with you. Time will tell.

Are you serious? What is she supposed to do next, hold his bucket and wipe the sweat off his face while he's puking just to show what a doormat she is?
He repeatedly told her she can't socialise when with him because he didn't want to be around the booze.She did everything for him.
Then he goes off on a big booze fest with someone else. Man or woman, it's irrelevant.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

That really doesn’t sound lovely, grief or no grief. And then he went on a night out with a mutual female friend, but you didn’t go? Distinctly unlovely. I’d have been pissed off before that phone call.

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

And don’t take any bullshit in this conversation either, if he gets mad at you for not letting him be happy, you say clearly you’re happier with other people and I’ll let you be happy. Bye. If he says oh he understands and ‘he’ll work towards being able to go out with you’ you say you didn’t seem to need to do any ‘working towards’ last night, but ok. You do that and you can give me a call when you feel you’ve worked towards it sufficiently.

Oops! I’d be hurt too. It’s not just that he’s having fun, it’s that you like to go out and have a drink but the whole time you’ve been with him that’s not only something he doesn’t want to do with you but you feel he’d judge you as a bad friend if you even suggested it. But this woman does and he says yes and goes and has a great time. I’d have to say look either you do go for a night out or you don’t. But if you don’t even want me to suggest doing that, but you’ll not only happily go out with others but call me to say how much fun you’re having, then we aren’t working. I’d like to go for a night out with you. I won’t be in a relationship with anyone who only does that with other people, not me.

YANBU to feel upset by this - what he said was thoughtless and insensitive.

I would definitely mention this when he's sobered up. Ask him if you're now "allowed" to suggest going out drinking together. And if the answer is no, I would be even more pissed off!

I’d be hurt too. It’s not

I don't understand the dramatics from you, unless you're more jealous of FF than you thought.

You know he's going to feel like shite today, and probably regret going out. Why rub salt in the wounds of a grieving man with a message like that?

And he's allowed to do what he wants, grieve how he wants, and drink with whoever he wants btw. The fact that you're stewing and see this as some huge betrayal says an awful lot about you.

I wouldn't send a text. Let him wonder when he wakes up with a raging hangover. Be distant.
He's been telling you you can't drink and you've been supporting him through his depression for ten months... that to me is the bigger red flag. Grief or not he sounds exhausting. My DH's dad died and he handled it really well, looking back, though it can't have been easy. This one sounds tricky.

I was simply showing that one of the best nights I've had in a long time wasn't with my husband and in that respect, it is comparable. I'm not saying the two situations are the same.
At times my husband has tried to get me to go out and socialise with him, but I've said no and have done so since my night out. There is every chance he could have been put out by this, who knows. He knows it's one of the happiest I've been since my loss.

Right. I wouldn't send the text either, I'd just move on respectfully and politely.

Did you ask your husband specifically never to offer to take you out drinking and then go out drinking with an opposite sex friend, then phone your husband to tell him you've never been happier?

Respectfully, I don't think these two situations are comparable, tbh.

This tbh. He grieving, but it doesn't seem a great relationship.

I would perhaps not send the text, but I would step away. Other people can help him from here.

I hope you step away from this relationship a bit. It sounds like he’s using you. There’s no need to tell him - just distance.
this just reminds me of friends who used to use me as a dumping ground; I got all the misery and depression, and then they’d go out and have fun with other people. I was too much of a people pleaser, and had to learn to find better friendships.
I know this has turned into a romantic relationship, and that makes it worse.

As someone who has very recently lost a parent within the last few months, I can hopefully share a bit of a perspective from the other side. I absolutely adore my husband, we've been together nearly 20 years and together with my kids, he is my absolute favourite person in the world and my best friend. He's been absolutely fantastic throughout my grief, but I have in fact pulled away from him at times as I don't want to be comforted and hugged because it tends to make me more upset. I've withdrawn a lot socially and whilst I still see my friends, I'm not as social as I was prior to losing my dad. With some encouragement, I had a night out recently with some friends and it was amazing. I wasn't at home thinking about my dad, no one was trying to comfort me and being with them temporarily took my mind off of what I was feeling. It wasn't about my grief, it was just about being with friends. But that one night didn't heal me from my grief, it just gave me temporary pause because I wasn't thinking about it. When I'm at home and not in a setting of drinking and gossiping and enjoying a night out, I'm thinking more about my loss. He won't be cured of his grief, he's just had a night where it wasn't in the forefront of his mind. Just because I had a great night with my friends, doesn't negate the love and affection I have for my husband.

🤔 He's had the best night ever and never felt happier? Sounds like maybe more than booze talking. Any chance he could have taken mdma or something similar?

YANBU for being upset, but I would try not to have a knee jerk reaction to his night out.

Look at the bigger picture. This relationship sounds very hard work. I think you need to work out whether it has any substance beyond you acting as his therapist. When the weight of his grief lifts, will there be enough of a connection between you to keep you together?

Have you heard the term "Prolonged Grief Disorder"? If he is struggling to move on and is stuck in the very raw early stages of grief, he might need some professional help if he isn't already getting it.