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Original poster

To be offended he said this?

192 replies

Maramay · 28/07/2024 03:52

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 28/07/2024 07:42

Sounds like he treated you like a rehab centre

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 07:41

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

Very succinct and very powerful. And summarises what, I think, a lot of posters (me included) have said.

Narwhal23456 · 28/07/2024 07:40

CheekyHobson · 28/07/2024 04:29

I’m a bit 🤔at some of these responses. Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

OP I do think your boyfriend has behaved quite poorly and it’s drawing a rather long bow to make it all about his dad’s passing. If the relationship is otherwise very good I would give it a couple more days cooling-down period before raising why he went out drinking with a mate after telling you to avoid all mention, and that you found it a bit insensitive for him to call you drunk and raving about what an amazing time he was having with someone else.

If he can discuss it reasonably then, all good. If he brings it up himself without needing to be prompted, even better. But if he brushes off your feelings, I’d certainly be stepping away myself.

This.... my mum died 4 months a go and wouldn't behave like this. Hopefully op, you can get some coherent answers, however if I were you I'd be leading him to getting back on his feet by himself as you cannot be an emotional crutch n happy in this way.

GoldenLegend · 28/07/2024 07:40

I’d end the relationship and just say you think it’s time to move on.

IamnotSethRogan · 28/07/2024 07:37

He's probably too emotionally close to you to get drunk and let go. If you were supporting him through his fathers death he would probably drink and open up to you and then feel depressed. Him not being as close to this friend probably means that when he has a drink, he doesn't get in touch with certain emotions and can just let go a certain amount.

He was just drunk and happy, which isn't real happy. I hope you didn't send a message.

PBandJ111 · 28/07/2024 07:32

Just move on ad your relationship isn’t working

MummyJ36 · 28/07/2024 07:29

I would step back OP. Send the text if you want but either way, relationships based off of grief bonding are never a good idea.

randoname · 28/07/2024 07:29

Maramay · 28/07/2024 04:04

Sorry to reply to my own post - just thinking it through.

Would like to send him a text, for when he wakes up tomorrow, saying “hey, been giving it some thought and given femalefriend was able to show you the best night ever, and really cheer you up, and I’ve really never managed to, I’ll probably step away from this now as it doesn’t sit right that you should be with someone who can’t even make you half as happy as a drunk night out did. Best of luck with everything”.

I know I shouldn’t say that, of course, but that’s how I feel.

Why don’t you think you should say this?
Why is it your job to fix him?
What makes you happy about the relationship?

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 07:23

Lurkingandlearning · 28/07/2024 07:18

Why shouldn’t you say that? You are no one’s therapist and clearly your patience, kindness not to mention forgoing the social life you would have enjoyed were a waste of time. What he needed was was to go on a bender with her. Funny how when she offered that all his misgivings about drinking disappeared.

Ditch him and find someone you can have the best night of your life with. I guarantee that will never be him

Show quote history

I suggest she doesn't send it, not because it's wrong or that she's wrong, but I have a strong suspicion that he will then arc up, claim she's insecure and needy and blab to anyone who will listen to him about what a meany she was. Anytime a woman has boundaries she is painted as insecure and needy, especially by men who are disrespectful to women.

I believe she should ditch him with finality, and give him no reason beyond it's not working out for her, thanks for the memories, goodbye.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/07/2024 07:18

Maramay · 28/07/2024 04:04

Sorry to reply to my own post - just thinking it through.

Would like to send him a text, for when he wakes up tomorrow, saying “hey, been giving it some thought and given femalefriend was able to show you the best night ever, and really cheer you up, and I’ve really never managed to, I’ll probably step away from this now as it doesn’t sit right that you should be with someone who can’t even make you half as happy as a drunk night out did. Best of luck with everything”.

I know I shouldn’t say that, of course, but that’s how I feel.

Why shouldn’t you say that? You are no one’s therapist and clearly your patience, kindness not to mention forgoing the social life you would have enjoyed were a waste of time. What he needed was was to go on a bender with her. Funny how when she offered that all his misgivings about drinking disappeared.

Ditch him and find someone you can have the best night of your life with. I guarantee that will never be him

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 07:17

EerieSilence · 28/07/2024 05:47

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

This is well put.

waterrat · 28/07/2024 07:14

Drinking doesn't cure sadness as others have said - but I suspect this is about more than one night?

If you feel this strongly about it I suspect you have wondered if he is a bit of miserable person leaning on you without romance to balance it out.

GlowFlo · 28/07/2024 07:10

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 04:25

I'd just ditch him, to be honest. Sounds like you are doing a lot, receiving little and are unhappy with what you are receiving - why not move on and find someone that suits better?

And you're nobody's comfort blanket or counsellor, you've given him plenty of time to cry on your shoulder. If you've had enough, that's fine.

Edited

This.

AzureAnt · 28/07/2024 07:03

He's using yoi as an emotional crutch. What are you getting from the relationship? Not a lot by the sound of it!!.

LBFseBrom · 28/07/2024 06:54

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/07/2024 05:09

I hope you step away from this relationship a bit. It sounds like he’s using you. There’s no need to tell him - just distance.
this just reminds me of friends who used to use me as a dumping ground; I got all the misery and depression, and then they’d go out and have fun with other people. I was too much of a people pleaser, and had to learn to find better friendships.
I know this has turned into a romantic relationship, and that makes it worse.

Edited

I agree.

Op, you are far too invested in this relationship. It's good to be kind and sympathetic when people have problems but not to the point that you feel 'miffed' if they go out and have a good time with other friends. You are not, I think, a trained counsellor/psychotherapist.

Do you really want to be with a habitual drunk?

Leave it alone and be a bit more casual with this man, you are too intense. He is not your 'boyfriend', you have no claim on him. Do some things that you enjoy, see your other friends. The world is your oyster!

Good luck.

OneReformedCharacter · 28/07/2024 06:53

How healthy is this relationship really? You’ve started it up when he’s grieving and now you seem put out that you haven’t turned out to be his saviour even though you’ve tried really, really hard to be.

your whole post seems off to me.

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 06:53

Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

I think this is the crux and why I think the OP and her boyfriend are stuck in an unhealthy dynamic. This isn't a relationship that pre dates the grief, it's one came out of it. The relationship wouldn't exist if his dad hadn't died and she hadn't stepped in to care for him and take on the role of making it better for him.

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 06:49

To add. I don't actually think he's done anything wrong. Or that he's done it on purpose. He won't be aware of the unhealthy dynamic any more than you are. But at the moment he is in a place of needing to meet his own needs and doesn't have the capacity to consider yours.

DoubleTime · 28/07/2024 06:49

Don't send the text, but do step back and start spending time on doing things that make you happy.

Toptotoe · 28/07/2024 06:48

CheekyHobson · 28/07/2024 04:29

I’m a bit 🤔at some of these responses. Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

OP I do think your boyfriend has behaved quite poorly and it’s drawing a rather long bow to make it all about his dad’s passing. If the relationship is otherwise very good I would give it a couple more days cooling-down period before raising why he went out drinking with a mate after telling you to avoid all mention, and that you found it a bit insensitive for him to call you drunk and raving about what an amazing time he was having with someone else.

If he can discuss it reasonably then, all good. If he brings it up himself without needing to be prompted, even better. But if he brushes off your feelings, I’d certainly be stepping away myself.

Was going to say the same but @CheekyHobson said it first.

EI12 · 28/07/2024 06:47

This is awful, brings back painful memories, step away - otherwise if you stay friends, he will invited you to their wedding and will expect you to be happy for them. Had a good uni friend like that, thought he was into me, we did hang out almost every evening together, went to classes together, went on holiday together! Talked about what we wanted from life, relationships and then he is suddenly 'can't wait to tell you - I have met her!' My sister even thought up an elegant way out of spending time with him 'You met somebody, now I need to spend my time on meeting somebody too, I can't see you so often anymore' but I tried to 'rise above that' and caused myself immeasurable hurt by pretending to be his friend and continued to see him occasionally, only to hear about what he was thinking of doing to 'surprise her', which trips he was going to take her on. Step away now.

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 06:45

I'd be worried that this is a relationship built upon the foundation of grief, depression, compassion and support rather than on mutual interests and attraction especially if you were friends beforehand.

Once relationship dynamics have been set, it's hard to change them and he has asked you not to suggest nights out drinking and then goes out with someone else to do that very thing. I'd be concerned you're hs support partner and may always be that.

In essence, its not an equal relationship. People do develop feelings for others in times of severe cell emotional upset because their emotions are heightened. It's why therapists are aware of transference.

Noodlehen · 28/07/2024 06:40

It seems I’m in the minority but OP you sound extremely selfish. The man went and let loose. He’ll be back to being depressed tomorrow (probably with a hangover on top) and then you can go back to “cheering him up” you should be delighted for him that he managed to have a good night.

Zonder · 28/07/2024 06:39

Don't text. Wait and see today. If he thinks that's the way forward, to go out and get drunk more, then I would reconsider the relationship. But he knows really that it's not what helps long term or he would have been doing it with you.

It gave him a temporary night off from grief.

Having said that I think some pp are right that it's opportunity to look at your relationship and see if you're both stuck in certain grieving roles.

JMSA · 28/07/2024 06:31

And please don't send the text. It sounds petty and childish.

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