I would swap with her in an instant

Ridiculous. Imagine saying you'd be OK with being homeless and jobless because 'at least you'd be pretty'. Only someone who doesn't have to actually consider that reality would say that. Time to get a grip.

But looks fade…. She’s pouring her heart out to you and you’re thinking “oooh pretty”. Poor sod. As for men crossing the road to be near her, do you not think that’s a bit scary.

Her life sounds a right old mess, she very likely will be ok, get another job etc (she would if she wasn’t so blessed in the looks department).

You sound like you have a lot to be envious of too. Make the most of what you’ve got.

If this is real then honestly OP you need to get therapy to help you deal with your issues.

And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty.

OP, as I’m sure you know, comparison is the thief of joy. Another woman’s beauty is not the absence of your own. We are all unique. Love yourself for you. There is no one else like you.

Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?

Yes, it’s mad. Complete crazy actually! As you said at the beginning, you have so much to love and be thankful for. Your family, your friends, your home, your job. Some people will look at you and would swap with you in an instant.

Being “seen” by men, having doors opened for us, being served first in a bar - has absolutely no comparison to life’s real joys. True friendship. The unconditional love from family. Music. Artwork. Nature.

Enjoy your life, OP. It’s short. Too short to wish we looked different when there is so much magic out there.

If this is genuine you need serious help, no I would not be so ridiculous

Ultimately she'll lose her looks. The sort of men who appreciate women only for their looks think 40 plus women are pretty much invisible, so even if she stays in good shape she won't maintain that privilege.

If she's a bit thick, or even too compassionate and giving, she will end up with nothing. The sort of men who would give her privilege for being pretty are only interested in helping her for as long as they want to fuck her.

If all she has is her looks (and I am not saying this is the case just IF) she'll be absolutely crushed when she gets older and ages out of pretty privilege.

I would want to myself aged 25 again, just as I was, with all my current memories intact. I wasn't gorgeous, but pretty and healthy and full of energy - and I went through phases where I was bullied, assaulted, plain and experienced depression and quite a bit of trauma before I got there.

Yet I have never, ever wanted to be someone else, just the best version of myself.

To each their own I suppose.

She’s crying about losing her job and instead of feeling empathy you are telling yourself that your life is harder?

Why do you feel the need to be validated by men? You are killing it at life. You're a winner. This girl is, by her own admission, a fuck up. She will probably be given lots of chances at jobs because of her looks, but it sounds like she will fail at them.
As for attention from men, fuck a bunch of that. You do know that's not always positive, right? Guaranteed she also gets a lot of attention from creepy perverts.

How reductive and dismissive, I wouldn't want to swap with her if this is how other woman would feel about me. You sound very bitter and like you don't like other woman. Internalised misogyny.

Good grief. What a sad state of affairs.

I have a relative who is very attractive. Her life is a fucking mess and she is plagued with mental health issues. Her physical health is also now failing. She’s never had a healthy relationship. Her financial situation is bad too. And now in late forties her looks are starting to fade.

So no, you can’t assume that everything will turn out fine for the pretty young woman, just because she’s pretty.

This has got to be written by man, surely?

"Men cross the road to be near her" is not something any woman would wish for!

OP, if you are actually a woman, give your head a wobble.

When I was younger I was slim and attractive (although I couldn't see it at the time). I probably did get served quicker in bars and experienced positive bias.

However my memory isn't of an easy life, but of constant hassle from men, including many sexual assaults. Men crossing the road to be near you is a scary experience IME, definitely not a nice one.

Now I'm much older and larger, I am invisible to those kinds of men. It's glorious. I can walk through the world without them noticing me or hassling me, and thank fuck for that.

I still manage to be employed, however.

@Cookiecrumblane I'm sure men don't feel this way.

Well the data shows that attractive people (including men) earn far more than unattractive men, so I'm not sure why you think that.

Thing is, you’re not really imagining a true swap. You are imagining looking like her, but being as intelligent and together as you are. Clearly she’s not always praised in every job, or she wouldn’t have got the sack would she?

Seriously? You could have supported this woman without drawing parallels to yourself. This says way more about you than it does her. Maybe start a thread asking for help with your own issues..

I agree either way this.
I felt incredibly vulnerable when I was younger. Men's attention was sexual attention and predatory. Not nice.
I am hoping my DD isn't beautiful (I wasn't beautiful, probably just attractive) because I think beautiful women get treated like shit.

You’re not wrong- there’s something known as “pretty privilege,” but it comes at a high cost. Those men served her because they wanted her. The second they made a move and she turned them down, you’d be shocked at how quickly that politeness can turn into something uglier than you can imagine.

I say this from experience.

what you’re imagining her life is like - I can guarantee you, it isn’t.

when someone is seen as pretty, they’re also seen as a thing. A commodity to possess, to buy and sell. And it comes with owing - owing everyone who wants. Either owing explanations, owing a horrible people-pleasing dance to try to get out of a situation without being harmed, owing your time, energy and attention just to try to stay safe.

her life isn’t good. She is crying for a reason. Please don’t wish that hell on yourself.

*best life

I have an incredibly beautiful friend and she is single too.
Mid-forties, her relationships just haven’t worked out. Nothing to do with looks.
However, I would say she is living her best left and getting on with it.

Ask yourself, if being single is getting you down… what steps can you take to get yourself out of this funk..? It sounds like you may be rather depressed OP… 💐

You are so wrong.

Because ultimately she’ll end up ok
Is that mad?

she’s not ok now though is she? and you have no way of telling if she will be ok ‘ultimately’

and no you coveting looks or being visible over self-esteem is not ‘mad’, it is sad because it speaks to how unhappy you must be inside to think like that

and thinking like that whilst she is crying and seeking help or comfort from you shows a disturbing lack of empathy and sympathy - but again is still human

I am not that woman but have experienced some of the things you say this woman has, and many of the things - and much worse - that PP talked about - not because I was pretty but because I was vulnerable

so I would not choose to swap places with you, even if it meant I had a job, money, my own home, because I would not wish to inflict on anyone else the life I’ve lived so far

and especially not on to someone who despite having many things I don’t is still unhappy - because that would mean you would trail that vulnerability with you - pretty or not

from the outside I may look like I’m already ‘ok in the end’ but that’s more due to my inner strengths not outer conventional prettiness, and few people, if anyone at all, will understand the on-going pain, fear and struggle I face daily just to keep myself alive

I suggest you look to strengthen your inner self not covet the outer covering and real or imagined luck of others.

Same

My daughter is frequently commented upon as “pretty” and she says it’s actually stressful, because everyone expects you to look good always and immediately notice and point out with relish if you get a pimple, eye bags etc.

And getting attention from men at work of all ages is another form of invisible pressure in itself, a lot of it unwanted and harassing.

Not long ago, she was worrying about the aging process ahead of her. I feel sad that society has put a value on her based on her looks.

Excessive Male attention is not all its cracked up to be, and basing your entire self worth on it despite having made a success of your life is absolutely pathetic, yes.

Well being pretty didn't stop her being sacked did it.