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AIBU?

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I would swap with her in an instant

560 replies

Cookiecrumblane · 28/07/2024 01:21

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 28/07/2024 09:35

How old are you?

I could imagine half thinking something like this at 20- mayyybe 24ish but not really meaning it… but by 30 certainly I’d seen enough of the world to realise being a beautiful woman is more than a double edged sword

a question to think about:
is it that you feel you are fundamentally unloveable?
would you feel differently if you were in a long term relationship?
you sound like you need to work on your self esteem

willWillSmithsmith · 28/07/2024 09:29

PersephonePomegranate23 · 28/07/2024 09:28

Jesus, this woman had just got sacked for being shit at her job. Liz Hurley's boyfriend cheated on her with a ropey prostitute, Gwen Steffani's husband shagged the much younger nanny, Christina Applegate is suffering with MS and look what happened to Marilyn Monroe...pretty women are not in immune from life's misfortunes.

Get a grip and live your life.

Marilyn Monroe was the first person I thought of.

moonplop · 28/07/2024 09:29

willWillSmithsmith · 28/07/2024 09:26

I think the post is a load of made up rubbish.

The only reason someone would notice a man crossing the road to be closer to you is because they’d be giving off major creepy, stalking vibes.

Nobody in their right mind would swap financial stability and their home, to be a jobless, penniless, stressed out but prettier person.

I agree- this post is garbage.

Absolutely no woman would want or crave after creepy strange men to be following them in the street or hanging around them on a night out, its frightening and scary and you worry you are going to be attacked.

Absolute BS.

Shizzlestix · 28/07/2024 09:28

Brutally, she doesn’t sound like she’s made great decisions or is ‘clever’ as you describe yourself. I’d rather have the decent job, financial security etc. Having been morbidly obese for a long time, I never found it affected friendships/employment/sexual attraction. Her being pretty hasn’t helped her self esteem or finances, has it?

Looks fade. I’m sure we’d all love to look like a really beautiful woman, but ultimately, would it help in any way except to attract partners/harassment/unwanted comments?

PersephonePomegranate23 · 28/07/2024 09:28

Jesus, this woman had just got sacked for being shit at her job. Liz Hurley's boyfriend cheated on her with a ropey prostitute, Gwen Steffani's husband shagged the much younger nanny, Christina Applegate is suffering with MS and look what happened to Marilyn Monroe...pretty women are not in immune from life's misfortunes.

Get a grip and live your life.

CaptainMyCaptain · 28/07/2024 09:27

WaitingForMojo · 28/07/2024 01:32

Are you joking? Surely this isn’t real? I’m depressed if it is

This. My first thought was that it was written by AI.

Yalta · 28/07/2024 09:26

There seems to be a lack of understanding by those who think of themselves as attractive

I got served in a shop and turned down the guy who asked me out

Going on dates I find men just want arm candy

The fact that someone served you or the fact that guys wanted to date in the first place. You are just proving the point that being pretty gets you things.

Try being ugly looking and struggling to be served or not being served or not getting dates.

It’s the fact you assume that everyone gets the basics

willWillSmithsmith · 28/07/2024 09:26

baroqueandblue · 28/07/2024 09:17

What a lot of rubbish! And I see the OP hasn't been back to answer any of the more-than-125 replies, which says it all.

Claims they only met this woman yesterday and she was mostly in floods of tears, spilling her guts, yet men were suddenly crossing the road to walk near her astounding beauty?! I mean it's just - -?!

Oh and for what it's worth, I'm a man and my life has been more than tainted with 'compare and despair' in relation to more attractive men (and certain other qualities like upbringing and ability), so there goes your theory OP 🤷‍♂️

I think the post is a load of made up rubbish.

The only reason someone would notice a man crossing the road to be closer to you is because they’d be giving off major creepy, stalking vibes.

Nobody in their right mind would swap financial stability and their home, to be a jobless, penniless, stressed out but prettier person.

Didimum · 28/07/2024 09:25

Everyone gets used to their privileges. She likely doesn’t feel them anymore (if she ever did), the same as you don’t feel yours.

lacefan · 28/07/2024 09:23

So, you had someone in floods of tears telling you her problems, with low self esteem, who is likely to be kicked out of her place to live and all you were bothered about the entire time is how many men were looking at her throughout all of this?

Have you considered that maybe you are still single because you arent very empathic or kind?

TunnocksOrDeath · 28/07/2024 09:23

I actually don't think dating is easier for beautiful women. Yes men do approach them randomly in bars etc, but you have to think about what kind of men those are. Usually it's the over-confident ones with a rather 'generous' opinion of their own attributes. They often don't make for very good boyfriends.
Accepting my not-very-attractive face early on in life was extremely liberating. I am never worried about losing my looks (I never had any) and have always been free to talk and joke with men and just be myself without worrying if they find me "pretty" (they almost certainly don't), Despite this, I have had boyfrIends and am now married to a lovely man. There are lots of qualities that can be perceived as attractive, even sexy, which have nothing to do with looks.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/07/2024 09:22

Yalta · 28/07/2024 09:16

Who is to say she isn’t leading a fantastic fulfilling life without the need to be tied down to a job.

She might be. I'm just saying it's not the life for everyone

weirdoboelady · 28/07/2024 09:22

OP - you can't change the way you look (without resorting to plastic surgery. Go down that route if you must).

You CAN, however, change your attractiveness. Smiling, KIND, confident, happy people will always attract 'the right sort' of friends, and the right sort of partners! Work on your own happiness level and on being a nice person. I have several friends who are objectively some of the least physically attractive, but have a great love life and social circle simply because of who they are. Be that person!

Sugarsugarahhoneyhoney · 28/07/2024 09:21

Good lord!!!!! Absolutely unbelievable........... There are just no words for this sense of entitlement!

Shennie100 · 28/07/2024 09:21

AccountCreateUsername · 28/07/2024 09:04

Such an odd OP isn’t it?
I also think OP is a man.

Transwoman, I thought

Smeigglling · 28/07/2024 09:20

It’s very sad you feel like this @Cookiecrumblane . Your intelligence and achievements say much about you. You should be very proud of what you’ve achieved. Your friend might be pretty now but it doesn’t last, it doesn’t pay the bills and honestly beauty is only skin deep. The person underneath is what’s really important.

HansHolbein · 28/07/2024 09:18

This obsession with wanting men to notice you (they notice you because they want to fuck you; you are an object and nothing more to them) is gross. The sooner you realise that the better.

DreamyCyanFinch · 28/07/2024 09:17

When I was young, people were always telling me how pretty I was.It never did me much good, I attracted 2 very awful men , one I think maybe because other people thought I was pretty.
Men always speaking to my boobs, I used to hide them as much as possible.
Have a good man now, but am middle aged podge now.

I thought the opposite of you, I would have killed to have academic prowess, I was not silly but lacked confidence.
I am much happier now nobody looks at me.
I am a real person, this is obviously only as I see it, if there is more than one life pleade make me ordinary and very clever.(What is ordinary anyway?)
Just be happy with yourself.

baroqueandblue · 28/07/2024 09:17

What a lot of rubbish! And I see the OP hasn't been back to answer any of the more-than-125 replies, which says it all.

Claims they only met this woman yesterday and she was mostly in floods of tears, spilling her guts, yet men were suddenly crossing the road to walk near her astounding beauty?! I mean it's just - -?!

Oh and for what it's worth, I'm a man and my life has been more than tainted with 'compare and despair' in relation to more attractive men (and certain other qualities like upbringing and ability), so there goes your theory OP 🤷‍♂️

Yalta · 28/07/2024 09:16

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/07/2024 09:13

That isn't the life everyone wants though. I can't bear the idea of having nothing to do. I'd work anyway, because I like the independence of earning for myself.

If I were that woman, I'd be bored out of my mind staying home all day. And my brain is dangerous (to me) if I'm bored. I'd find myself wondering whether I was enough for myself, my husband, my kids. Whether I was setting the right example. Whether, if he left me, I'd be able to cope having been out of the workforce for so long. What might happen if my looks faded.

Who is to say she isn’t leading a fantastic fulfilling life without the need to be tied down to a job.

willWillSmithsmith · 28/07/2024 09:16

I’m sorry but you are wrong. Everything you see as important is shallow and vacuous. So what if a man has opened the door for her or crossed the street to be ‘closer’ to her (creepy!). She’s not going to be okay just because she’s pretty if she can’t pay her rent or bills. Is there a special queue at the supermarket for the pretty ones where they get discounted food?

If you think getting compliments and smiles from strangers makes up for the stress and worries of real life then you need to give yourself a shake.

ElleintheWoods · 28/07/2024 09:16

xxSideshowAuntSallyxx · 28/07/2024 08:58

When I've sat on interview panels being pretty or handsome (as I'm female) is the last thing I look for, in fact it doesn't even come into it. I want someone who can do the job, not someone who looks good.

Also when I worked behind the bar (in several pubs) attractiveness didn't come into it either, politeness did, people who waved at me, held their money in their hands, called to me got ignored. If I've served you once and you were rude, I'd take my time the next time. But you do it in turn anyway and believe it or not most bar staff know who's been waiting the longest.

I'm more likely to do something for someone who is polite and friendly regardless of looks.

In some industries it’s not quite like that though. I spent my early career in entertainment and advertising (think tv, film, celebrities, marketing) and the amount of comments around ‘oh they just look the part don’t they’ or people openly commenting on what kind of phone/ bag someone had post-interview or generally how they sounded/ presented themselves visually.

I purposefully hired the normal-looking/geeky writers/ producers etc who really stood out in the office but brought actual substance.

At times I certainly felt like I was surrounded by beautiful but quite dumb/ superficial people. My boss (female) once advised me to get my hair and nails done in a particular way! And there was a calorie consumption league table on the wall! Many more examples. Many people were hard-working but looks-based hiring was rife. I’m still in touch with some people now and the way they talk about people implies that the culture hasn’t changed that much.

I work in more ‘boring’ industries now where it’s the skills that matter and I’m so much happier.

3luckystars · 28/07/2024 09:15

RoachFish · 28/07/2024 07:09

I don’t want to sound like a twat but I have always got lots of male attention. I worked as a model in my teens and 20s and I often get told I look younger than I am (mid 40s now). I have and still am experiencing everything that your friend is and it’s not all that nice. I was married for 20 years but since we divorced a couple of years ago and I started dating again I have completely gone off men. All they see is my looks, I’m a status symbol and all that matters to them is what me being with them makes them look. None of them were interested in me as a person.

i’m lucky that I have a job and a home but if I didn’t I wouldn’t want to put my faith into the hands of these sleazy men who just view me the same way the view an expensive car. My self worth is definitely not linked to how I look, I am much more proud of be able to stand on my own two feet after a long and abusive marriage.

thank you for that, and well done x

Yalta · 28/07/2024 09:14

echt · 28/07/2024 09:07

This thread, and I mean what the OP has posted, is literally unbelievable.

What part?

The ethos that being pretty/beautiful/attractive earns you more money, gets you better jobs and makes life a whole lot easier

Whilst this woman has a struggle at the moment. It won’t last

SlebBB · 28/07/2024 09:13

Work on yourself and find out why you need to be validated by men.