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AIBU?

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I would swap with her in an instant

560 replies

Cookiecrumblane · 28/07/2024 01:21

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

OP posts:
Sparkysmum · 28/07/2024 11:33

She may be beautiful at the moment, but she will not always be. It is what is in your heart and how you treat people.

Sahara123 · 28/07/2024 11:32

So your friend is sitting in front of you crying because she lost her job, cant pay her bills and has low self esteem, and your first thought is that she looks pretty and you’d rather be her ? Come on, think about it !

Wendycoping · 28/07/2024 11:28

Cookiecrumblane · 28/07/2024 11:18

@Wendycoping how did you work that one out? I have met many beautiful talented intelligent women in this world, many who have been my managers, friends, relatives, colleagues.
It is a fact that if there's two candidates, one who is beautiful and one who isn't, the beautiful one sticks in their minds. Employers overestimate the capability of beautiful people, I see it every day. I'm in medical HR. I see it.
In terms of this girl, I can only imagine that previous employers letting her off has allowed her to develop this idea that oversleeping, going home, working from home even when she has meetings which are set up as F2F, cancelling last minute is acceptable. Pretty privilege have set her up to fail. As have instagram mantras about well-being and resilience being a dirty word...

Oh honestly OP. Do something about it. You've got money! Go to a really excellent beautician and get some work done. Make the best of yourself. You say you've already done that but you are overweight with blotchy skin, so sort it.

Do you do an exercise that you enjoy?

DoreenonTill8 · 28/07/2024 11:27

@Cookiecrumblane you're rather vicious in your takedown of her, for someone you've you've just met you seem to know an awful lot about her...In terms of this girl, I can only imagine that previous employers letting her off has allowed her to develop this idea that oversleeping, going home, working from home even when she has meetings which are set up as F2F, cancelling last minute is acceptable. Pretty privilege have set her up to fail. As have instagram mantras about well-being and resilience being a dirty word...
If this nasty streak shines through in your own life, maybe that's why you're doing so badly?

duchessofsilk · 28/07/2024 11:26

I agree OP that beauty ideals are a bit shit and definitely Eurocentric.

However, you keep mentioning "the most beautiful" but how many women actually look like that? supermodels in the media are freaks of nature - I dont mean that nastily, I just mean that, that kind of stunning photographic look is freakishly rare and only represents like 0000000000000000000.1% of the population. Most western women dont look like that either. The reason we see them plastered all over the media is because it's very, very, very unusual to look like that- they have been selected out of millions of others specifically because they have won the genetic looks lottery.

You dont need to be the most beautiful to find a partner who loves you and fancies you. As PP have said, you see all kinds of couples together who adore each other and neither one of them looks like a supermodel.

Of my friends who are in good relationships, none of them would be considered to be of an ideal standard of beauty but it hasn't stopped them finding someone they genuinely connect with.

You do have a choice here- you can choose to be weighed down by it all but that will only make you feel miserable and bitter or, you can decide to be the best version of yourself you can be (both physically, mentally and spiritually), enjoy your life and be open to the fact that there is someone out there who is ideal for you. Now, neither choice is guaranteed to get results but at least the second way will allow you to enjoy your life rather than spend it feeling bitter and lonely.

willWillSmithsmith · 28/07/2024 11:19

Quartzmoon · 28/07/2024 11:06

Genuinely amazed how many people don't get this feeling at all. Imagine feeling comfortable with how you look? I honestly can't imagine it.

Yes there’s a certain amount of pretty privilege but that doesn’t stop you getting ill, losing your job, being dumped, unable to pay your bills, being cheated on etc.

When it comes down to it being very wealthy trumps good looks every time. There’s not an unattractive billionnaire in the world that can’t get a partner physically more attractive than them.

Cookiecrumblane · 28/07/2024 11:18

@Wendycoping how did you work that one out? I have met many beautiful talented intelligent women in this world, many who have been my managers, friends, relatives, colleagues.
It is a fact that if there's two candidates, one who is beautiful and one who isn't, the beautiful one sticks in their minds. Employers overestimate the capability of beautiful people, I see it every day. I'm in medical HR. I see it.
In terms of this girl, I can only imagine that previous employers letting her off has allowed her to develop this idea that oversleeping, going home, working from home even when she has meetings which are set up as F2F, cancelling last minute is acceptable. Pretty privilege have set her up to fail. As have instagram mantras about well-being and resilience being a dirty word...

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 28/07/2024 11:13

Cookiecrumblane · 28/07/2024 10:57

I think everyone likes to feel desired. Even people in long term relationships come on here if they're in a sexless marriage and someone smiles at them to say how validated it made them feel. Then there's the opposite, where people don't feel desired by their partners feel almost worthless, despite all their many other qualities. So put yourself in my shoes, I have never felt desired. Even my ex saw me as reliable, solid, financially able to support us. I've been a best friend, I've been an emotional crutch. But no one has ever fancied me.

Being fancied by all and sundry is over rated and quite anxiety inducing (younger days only, certainly not now lol).

I agree with a pp who has suggested why not work on yourself physically (hair, make up, exercise, clothes etc). Think about how many celebrities etc are really quite plain (as seen by their before famous photos) but have had the make over treatment and now look attractive.

You say you’re financially stable so why not invest in improving the things you can?

Quartzmoon · 28/07/2024 11:11

camelofdestiny · 28/07/2024 11:07

But this woman isnt comfortable with how she looks- she apparently has very low self esteem - isnt that the entire point?

I'm talking about others on this thread

Wendycoping · 28/07/2024 11:11

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/07/2024 11:10

get your hair removed.

What?

ETA: Sorry, just seen OP's previous post and I get it now! Should have been obvious. I didn't get much sleep last night.

Edited

She said she was hairy. Not the hair on her head!

Ffrench · 28/07/2024 11:11

DoreenonTill8 · 28/07/2024 11:04

But hey, at least she's got lots of mnetters joining in with her diatribe of how shitty a life this woman has and how as soon as her beauty fades her life will be useless!
Lovely!

In fairness, her life is pretty shitty already, despite her good looks, if by ‘shitty’ we mean unemployed, broke, potentially homeless AND (which some people seem to be overlooking), with poor self-esteem. It’s right there in the OP.

That sounds like a very tough situation to me, even if the OP thinks it’s mitigated by men holding doors open for her and serving her promptly at the bar. Which obviously says far more about the OP’s own self-esteem than anything.

Also, this unemployed, distraught woman isn’t even a friend of the OP. It doesn’t sound as if they’d met previously. She was distraught enough to be crying about her life on a stranger’s shoulder. None of this makes her sound in any way enviable, or as though her good looks have improved her life in any important way.

Wendycoping · 28/07/2024 11:11

I'm sensing a beauty = stupid, unattractive = clever and sensible life script OP. Where's that come.from?

NonPlayerCharacter · 28/07/2024 11:10

Wendycoping · 28/07/2024 11:09

Do some exercise, go for regular facials, get your hair removed. Start being kinder to yourself.

get your hair removed.

What?

ETA: Sorry, just seen OP's previous post and I get it now! Should have been obvious. I didn't get much sleep last night.

CloverOrwell · 28/07/2024 11:09

Sorry but she’s just been sacked and you think this? Messing up so badly you get sacked is quite rare I think, so her beauty obviously hasn’t helped her all that much, has it? Who cares about getting served first or men wanting to walk past you, yes that will get you far!

Wendycoping · 28/07/2024 11:09

Do some exercise, go for regular facials, get your hair removed. Start being kinder to yourself.

Cookiecrumblane · 28/07/2024 11:07

@Wendycoping what if I told you I did all that and it hadn't made any difference. For one, I'm not white and that makes a difference. The world is still very Eurocentric in terms of what they find beautiful. Even in my country, there is a standard which is tall, pale skin, blonde hair, slim, when I am very broad shouldered, overweight, short, dark, hairy, uneven complexion, oily skin, round face, almond eyes. The only people of my race you see are the most beautiful but also the most western looking people.

OP posts:
Wendycoping · 28/07/2024 11:07

Quartzmoon · 28/07/2024 11:04

Not to derail the thread, but those who've been similarly low in self esteem and particularly obsessed over feeling ugly/plain etc... How did you get out of it? I can't. I've felt ugly my whole life. And now I'm overweight too (size 16ish) and every waking hour is blighted with negative thoughts, disgust with myself, longing to be more attractive. I hold down a skilled job and have kids and am married, and it's exhausting wasting so much time feeling so hateful towards myself. As I sit typing this I'm lifting my chin because I can physically FEEL a double chin and can't bear it. No one is in the room with me for me to be concerned about. It's just what I feel.

Being around beautiful female friends of which I know several is horrible internally even though I love them. I don't wish for them to have anything different I just wish I was attractive too. I get what OP is saying, it's not rational or fair but at this point I feel like being more attractive would so quickly eliminate so much of my misery. That's doesn't mean attractive people have it easier. It means I've decided that would be my panacea. Pretty embarrassing tbh.

Lose weight, get your teeth done and get botox and a fab hair cut.

I've lost weight and make sure I get my eyebrows and hair done. I've also had a new tooth to replace one that was a bit dodgy. No botox yet but I wouldn't rule it out

camelofdestiny · 28/07/2024 11:07

Quartzmoon · 28/07/2024 11:06

Genuinely amazed how many people don't get this feeling at all. Imagine feeling comfortable with how you look? I honestly can't imagine it.

But this woman isnt comfortable with how she looks- she apparently has very low self esteem - isnt that the entire point?

DoreenonTill8 · 28/07/2024 11:07

CookStrait · 28/07/2024 11:05

Would you really give it all up just to have men drooling all over you? Admittedly she could meet & marry a wealthy man, but she’ll probably always be unhappy for one reason or another. I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to be her.

she’ll probably always be unhappy for one reason or another.
Why? How have you worked that one out?!

Kisskiss · 28/07/2024 11:06

She told you her life is falling apart, and you still think beauty has brought her advantages? I believe the outcome is the proof your theory is wrong

Quartzmoon · 28/07/2024 11:06

Genuinely amazed how many people don't get this feeling at all. Imagine feeling comfortable with how you look? I honestly can't imagine it.

CookStrait · 28/07/2024 11:05

Would you really give it all up just to have men drooling all over you? Admittedly she could meet & marry a wealthy man, but she’ll probably always be unhappy for one reason or another. I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to be her.

CombatLingerie · 28/07/2024 11:05

I think you have been given a hard time on this thread @Cookiecrumblane. You are allowed to feel how you feel. Of course others are free to comment also. It probably seems irrational to many on this thread. I understand having these innermost thoughts that probably don’t make much sense to others. I used to feel like this as a single parent. I had a reasonably good career and life. I think I made a good job of bringing up my child. I still however used to secretly envy the women I knew that were coupled up with a husband. Thinking what the hell has she got that I haven’t ?😂. I once confided in a close friend in a similar situation to me about how I felt. She just said ‘oh those other women probably have gold plated fannies’ which did make me laugh and I realised I was being a bit silly about it all.

DoreenonTill8 · 28/07/2024 11:04

RobertSalamander · 28/07/2024 07:31

Yes, that is mad and sad. And quite self absorbed actually.

But hey, at least she's got lots of mnetters joining in with her diatribe of how shitty a life this woman has and how as soon as her beauty fades her life will be useless!
Lovely!

Quartzmoon · 28/07/2024 11:04

Not to derail the thread, but those who've been similarly low in self esteem and particularly obsessed over feeling ugly/plain etc... How did you get out of it? I can't. I've felt ugly my whole life. And now I'm overweight too (size 16ish) and every waking hour is blighted with negative thoughts, disgust with myself, longing to be more attractive. I hold down a skilled job and have kids and am married, and it's exhausting wasting so much time feeling so hateful towards myself. As I sit typing this I'm lifting my chin because I can physically FEEL a double chin and can't bear it. No one is in the room with me for me to be concerned about. It's just what I feel.

Being around beautiful female friends of which I know several is horrible internally even though I love them. I don't wish for them to have anything different I just wish I was attractive too. I get what OP is saying, it's not rational or fair but at this point I feel like being more attractive would so quickly eliminate so much of my misery. That's doesn't mean attractive people have it easier. It means I've decided that would be my panacea. Pretty embarrassing tbh.

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