To still be angry at my parents for this?

I had a shitty childhood caused by an incapable mother.

I have three kids and I am a bloody awesome mum. You can do it.

We had an issue similar to this but not as extreme as we had other options. Shut out of our preferred option for accommodation by MIL for filmsy reasons, when we moved back to London. We let it go but DH does not see her the same way. The way we are treated by our parents shd not dictate how we treat our children. I know alot of people that actively/intentionally do the opposite.

Truly awful because in a way, their decision to fail you at such a vulnerable time in your life also cut you off from other sources of safety.

In your situation I would definitely revisit family and tell them the situation you were forced to accept because you may find that they have also had situations negatively effected by your mum and dad's poor decision making.

Being divorced would have meant a need to lean into their siblings or mum/dad for storage, advice on documentation and a shoulder to cry on and it's a shame they couldn't offer even more love to you after receiving so much from their family members.

Oh @ThatPeachSnake , I understand completely, and YANBU to feel the way you do.

I came back from Uni with a DS (aged nearly 2) and stayed with my Mum - Dad had left a year or so ago to shack up with another woman - she was alone in the family home with 3 bedrooms, I was in the tiny bedroom from childhood with a cot.

Paying her bills/Council Tax (may have been poll tax at the time?), working as a single Mum (DS’s dad was an actor and on tour all & we’d separated).

A couple of weeks after coming ‘home’, I was still in my nighty after a late night at work when Mum called me downstairs at 9am as I had a visitor.

It was a Council Homeless Officer, with a letter Mum had signed saying she was evicting me (and DS of course) & she was offering for me see a council flat for immediate possession.

I was shown the letter. Mum had got Dad to write the letter, which she signed, TWO WEEKS before we came home from Uni, and she hadn’t said a fucking word to me to warn me. Mum skulked in the hallway/lounge door during the whole visit. Then, when the Housing Officer had left, swore blind she hadn’t written any letter!

I was 21; I’m 51 now and it was only a few weeks ago she actually admitted that she signed the letter, but still denies it was her that wrote it, and can’t understand that by signing it she was confirming she wanted to evict us.

In contrast, my DD is 27 and still lives with us (south east so building a deposit), and DS lived with us straight after he graduated because, this is will always be their home.

I’ve also been an emergency Foster mum for teens for Social Services, and fostered my 15 year old foster daughter for 3 years.

And I’ve lost count at how many friends of my kids/my Dad (for a total of 3 years in his case) that I’ve given a bed to when they’ve needed it.

I can’t imagine a time when I don’t have my door open to help people who need that love, kindness, help & support.

Mum has berated me for every person I’ve opened my home to, even Dad (utterly obsessed with him until the day he died), whilst she sits alone in a 3 bedroom house with a face like a cat’s bum hole.

Unmumsnetty hugs to everyone who has experienced this, because it really fucking sucks.

Yep.

@ThatPeachSnake

In fact, if the chance ever arose if/when they were talking about their retirement, I'd make sure to make an offhand remark that "I'm so glad you are well fixed, paying for carers costs a pretty penny, you know!". I'd say it even if they aren't retired or well fixed.

Lets them know without saying directly that hell will freeze over before you change your life to suit their needs and that you expect them to 'pull themselves up' and pay for what care they may need.

I feel for you so much, ThatPeachSnake.
My mother knew l was in an abusive (psychologically and sexually) relationship, she knew l'd been raped and abused, and she took my husband's side.
Refused to let me go and stay with her. I stayed where l was for a lot longer than l should because l wouldn't leave my dogs with him (he'd threatened to kill me and them, and she knew that too, he repeated it to her) and she wouldn't let me take them there either.
They're your family. They're meant to love and support you. You've done amazingly well, sweetheart, you have every bloody right to be angry and hurt.
I could never broach it with my mother either, l tried once and all l got was "I'm sorry you feel like that" as if it was my fault.
Be damn proud of yourself and what you've achieved. You owe them nothing, and I genuinely hope you can find a resolution and peace of mind. You deserve that x

I'm so sorry that you were so badly let down. Some people should not be parents 😔 please know that the fault was theirs and it was nothing that you did - there is something badly wrong with them, not you. You have every right to be angry and I'm surprised that you are able to maintain any sort of relationship with them after the way they've treated you.

I think having some therapy would really be beneficial for you. You have carried this alone for a long time. You have been really brave to write about it here, I can imagine how difficult this was. Please do try and find a good therapist to talk all this through with. Wishing you all the best 💐

You won't be.

You have some insight into the danger of repeating patterns.

And that's before you have kids, you're well ahead of the game.

It's when you have kids that your own childhood comes back to bite you on the arse and you have to face up to those old demons.

But you've already started doing that. You'll be fine, don't let your parent's abuse stop you having children and being the best mum you can be. You'll be fine.

And it's OK to not forgive your parents, they've never asked your forgiveness have they. They don't need it. Don't waste a nanosecond on thinking about your parents and trying to forgive them. Your energy will be better spent elsewhere.

You are not being unreasonable. I would be offended if my dc phoned and asked if they could stay with me. Wherever I live, the place is theirs to live in too, goes without saying. I am the parent, after all. Horrible on their part, sorry.

What - did they think you were hatched instead of born of your mother?
That’s just cruel and unusual behaviour, and I’m so very sorry. I hope you realise that it’s not you and it’s them. It’s ALL them.
I also learned from the cruel people in my life to have more and more empathy for others - have you learned that too? That being cruel is never the way forward? I’m sure you have.
My mum forced me out of the house at 18 - I tried like mad to change her mind, but it didn’t work, lol. I was home from uni every weekend like a big baby.
You’re in London now and a success — keep looking forward and keep smiling. I’m really proud of you that you did this all on your own.
You’ve gotta be really proud of yourself, too. And you know how not to treat people.
And that’s a really good thing.

You have every right to be angry

I had a horrible upbringing too OP. Devastating yrt still made something of myself. But one thing I will tell you please get therapy. These experiences go deep and dark and one day you will realise you cant escape them without help.
But you have done so well. Dont let them harm you mentally.

I am so sorry OP. You sound amazing given everything you have been through.

Is there any way you can ask your Mum now?

Mum, you know when I asked you to move home X years ago, can you remember why you said no? It is bothering me a lot and I wonder if there is a reason I don't know about?

You say you do not have children. From what I can see in other people's comments, the best advice is to secure your future in order to secure theirs.
It's never guaranteed but remove yourself from where your mum and dad can get their grubby hands on your children and make out that they are the hero grandparents that need to have contact with your children because they are related to you.
Trust yourself, you made some great decisions without the support of adults that should have loved and provided for you.

I do have question though: did extended family know? Did they know from you or from your parents? What relationship do you have with your aunts/grandparents and did the situation bring you closer/tarnish your bond with them?

YANBU Just remember, if they ever need help in their old age you owe them absolutely nothing!

Something very similar happened to me too, so it's interesting for me to read this thread. My DF didn't speak to me for various periods of time for various reasons and my DM was scared of his temper. I had to move out of the flat I was in because of friend wasn't very well and was going home herself and I sofa surfed a bit and then lived by myself in a squat on a rough estate for six months that had the kitchen smashed up and metal grills over the windows. I too kind of brushed it aside, it's not easy to talk to other people about it, but my DD is the same age now as I was (21) the thought of her going through it is hideous.

I never thought I'd have children because my DPs were so dysfunctional, and I'd be a crap parent too, but I've done a lot of work on myself (including a lot of reading) and I've been a better mum if I say so myself because of my experiences. I think partly because I didn't want my DD to experience anything like I did so I've been very sensitive to her needs, and I have a great understanding of psychological and emotional health because of my own issues. DD is 21 now and we have a great relationship, she's really happy at uni and with a boyfriend and great group of friends, and even though her teen years were really difficult for her we never really argued or fell out, so there is hope for you!

P.S I had very similar fears to you about becoming a mum. But I realised i could use therapy to try and ‘clear out the cupboards’ and do as much work as I could to help myself and to try and avoid passing on stuff to my kids. I eventually became a mum and it’s been fine. Not perfect but I’m devoted to them and when one of my giant teenagers was little he used to call me his ‘favourite darling.’ So there you go - it’s totally possible for you too. In fact I’m sure on these pages there are loads of us who had to wrestle with doubts and difficult stuff and turned out to be pretty good and very loving parents. Be super vigilante in your choice of partner. Kindness and someone who will put in as much effort as you and who has a sense of humour. Sometimes bad parenting can lead us to look for partners who recreate this as I’m sure you know. ! X

@5128gap is correct

Hi op please look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - you may identify given the childhood neglect you experienced 🌺

And as a mum I as v well equipped to let Dc know how much I am always there for them.

Sometimes we need to grieve for the parents we didn't have & we can become stuck in the cycle of grief & loss for many years even though someone didn't die but our relationship with them did.

Be kind to yourself as you work your way through this difficult time. Grief isn't linear & doesn't have any stages but rather ebbs & flows. Remember everything is temporary.

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org

@ThatPeachSnake i am so sad to read your posts. There is lots of brilliant advice on this thread - please believe you are amazing and have nothing to feel shame for.
Having had to deal with a fraction of what you have, I have found sessions with a therapist excellent to safely explore the past and make sense of it.

It was extremely helpful. And you have a choice whether or not to forgive your parents.
please print out these replys and remind yourself of all this.

No. You're different. You have self awareness to be even asking the question so wouldn't be oblivious of what you did. People with your type of upbringing are often fantastic parents because they are so keen not to repeat history they are vigilant, they prepare, they seek help, they do everything differently.

one, or both has narcisstic personality disorder.

They are jealous of their children. Its because you are a strong and successful person.
If you look it up online there are fabulous sites and I guarantee you will feel vindicated. Please do google it.

I understand the humiliation.

YANBU and sound lovely. x