To still be angry at my parents for this?

I don’t know how old you are OP but I worry that you have a very difficult situation coming your way.

You have done a brilliant job of parenting yourself and have clearly come such a long way. Given that your parents have barely been worthy of that name, what is going to happen when they get old and start to need your help? They wont be able to rely on your feckless sister, so guess who is going to be hit up for help both physically, financially and organisationally? Given the appalling way they treated you, you are going to need to decide what to do. You sound so very lovely and you repeatedly keep talking about not wanting to upset them and being embarrassed that I fear that you are going to be taken advantage of. As anyone with elderly or infirm parents will tell you, looking after them can take one hell of a toll and that’s even if you love them and they were superb parents. In your shoes, I would get some counselling, find your anger and make it clear that you will not be their go-to slave in their old age. They have not earned that right. Look after yourself, OP, because they certainly didn’t and won’t.

I wonder if they were ashamed of how they were living

OP, I hate that you experienced all that. I have had a similar experience with lots of abuse from my mother and step-dad too. Know that you are NOT being unreasonable to continue to feel hurt by their actions. They wronged you.

I hope you talk to your therapist about it all and get help working through the emotions attached. If your therapist is not someone you feel you can tell these things to, please find one you are comfortable with (it really does help). I've been in therapy on and off for 2 decades (more off than on because of multiple moves and the difficulty in finding a good fit) and I know I STILL need to work through some major things (being abused for most of one's life necessitates that).

I hope you are able to put your past behind you soon. Sending positive and healing energy your way.

This!

I'm so sorry that your parents have treated you like this, but kudos to you for getting your life into order! If my parents did this, I'd go NC. You owe them nothing!, so when they come bleating to you for help in their old age, and they will, just politely turn them down. Have you had any kind of therapy to help you ? Sometimes just chatting with someone can put things into perspective x

Not unreasonable to ask to stay with immediate family so you don’t end up homeless. If there were prepared to leave you in the lurch (for whatever reason) then they let you down big time, yes.

Not on decent family planet, but not everyone has a decent family. If your family norm is for the father to beat his wife and kids and this happens all the time, or if your "creepy uncle" ie dad's mate from the pub wants his "special cuddles" on a Friday night and you are sworn to secrecy, you don't know that it doesn't happen in all other families and however awful it is you accept that this is what happens to everyone so you don't complain and you would probably get a walloping if you did.

We knew a woman who was just a bit younger than my Mum who had been sexually abused by her father and when she told her mother, she was beaten and told off for making up lies. This went on until she met someone and got married, really just to get out of the family home and away from the abuse. She had mental health problems all of her life because of this, even 50-60 years later it still affected her.

Those of us lucky enough to come from good homes where we were loved and cared for should thank our lucky stars that we were dealt a good hand in life and didn't have to endure this type of misery growing up.

I suppose if you've grown up with parents like that then your normal isn't everyone else's who grew up in a healthy family dynamic.

So yes, the op does have to ask. And question because she doesn't have the frame of reference that other luckier people have.

Do you really need to ask? On what planet would their behaviour be acceptable?

hi @ThatPeachSnake I have a close friend who id have never thought had struggles growing up.

She recently opened up to me and a few months before that opened up to her partner. She’s started having therapy which is helping her but has a way to go from what she tells me.

If You have health cover from work you could get therapy sessions covered through it.

To get some closure you could ask your parents their reasons.

What I maybe should have said was that there was no violence, poverty, arguments etc and up to that point everything had been good. To all intents and purposes it was a good family which made a very bad choice in how they treated their youngest child. She was welcome to visit, which she did.

What I am trying to say is that you don't have to come from an inherently bad family situation to be made homeless by your parents.

However it is infinitely better for your parents to kick you out rather than keep you at home against your will and then murder you for some perceived indiscretion.

Sorry but this doesn't happen in "good" families.

To leave your daughter homeless means it's NOT a good family... think of how vulnerable homeless women are to sexual assault, rape etc.

I don't care if I managed x, y & z at the same age, no way in hell that I would leave my daughter homeless to crowd surf and have to put herself in vulnerable, potentially dangerous positions!

Disgustingly selfish of your parents.

Unfortunately it's not culturally uncommon in the U.K. that people will have a homeless brother, sister or parent and won't help them, but will expect the government to do something, but I am shocked to hear that any parent would do that do their child tbh.

You should be so proud for all you have achieved without them!! Shows are strong and fantastic you must be!

You're not being unreasonable, in my opinion. No parent should stand by while their children struggle. I had something very similar to your situation, but it was a very long time ago, and we ended up permanently estranged for lots of different reasons, mostly me deciding I wasn't going to take their shit anymore. It hurts, of course, even after a long time. But here's the thing: I believe the universe seeks to protect us from all kinds of things, many of which we don't ever even know about. I truly believe now that when my parents didn't let me go home when I was stuck (I was 17), it was a divine protective measure against something worse happening if I'd gone back. Maybe their selfishness actually did you a favour in protecting you from more trauma you might have sustained under their roof. Maybe that single failure of theirs was the best thing that ever happened to you. I know it was for me. 🧡🧡🧡

That doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you. To turn away your own daughter when she needs help is so wrong.

I left home in my early 20s, travelled for a bit and got my own house. For one reason or another I moved back with my parents in my late 20s and never left. I helped my Mum look after my Dad and when it was just Mum and me we were really good friends and I was her full time carer till she died. Even when I moved out I would pop round and my Mum would do the same. We had keys for each other's houses. She even said "you will come round to make Sunday dinner won't you"? She didn't like cooking and I do. I just find it unfathomable that some parents kick-out their kids and won't help them when they are in trouble.

It isn't normal to be like this with your own children and you don't need to put up with it now. Don't let what happened to you eat you up. It is good you are talking to your partner about it and hopefully knowing how your partner's family works will show you that your parents were wrong.

YANBU however look at it differently … had you moved home maybe you wouldn’t have determined to get the career that made you successful…. Maybe they would’ve dragged you down?! Who knows… but the past is the past and I think we have to learn to forgive for our own sakes and move on…
How is your sister now? I hope she got through her issues?

OP, I'm a little late to this thread but I just wanted to congratulate you on your achievements in life when all else was against you. You should be so proud of yourself. You're inspirational. Goes to show you always need to back yourself.

Even in relatively good families kids can become homeless. I knew a girl a long time ago who, when she was 18, was told by her parents it was time for her to leave home. Her older brother had gone into the army at 18 and her older sister to uni. She was in a bog standard office job, not enough money to get a flat or anything else. If it hadn't been for her sister's, boyfriend's parents taking her in she would have been homeless. Her parents were reasonable people they just thought that as the older two had left at 18, so should she.

Its truly amazing what some "parents" think is okay when it comes to their children. But you can't choose your family, the only thing you can choose is whether or not to stick with them. When they have treated you so abominably, and don't show any sign of changing or remorse then you are better off using the energy of your anger for something more worthwhile and just cutting them out of your life forever.

After my Mum died I had problems with my now ex-sister and ex-cousin. I have buggered off and moved miles away but they don't know where. Not everyone has that luxury but I had to start again, from scratch with nothing so I thought it might as well be far away. Its about as far as I could go without leaving the country.

when I was 16 I was ordered to leave home by my dad. I am the youngest of 6, I wasn't an angel, stole money from my older sisters for cigarettes, and sometimes 'borrowed' clothes. I'm not proud of it, I was wrong. 'Home' was not a nice, calm place. I never hated my mum or dad, I understood she struggled herself. we were beaten quite badly, squabbles encouraged, not much money, and never much parenting going on really. Only recently have I thrown out my diary from those terrible months of sofa surfing until I found a bedsit. I struggled for years being part of the family. I became close to my oldest sister for many years until I became pregnant with my first and she turned on me. pushing me out of the business we ran together. From then on I was excluded from family and all family events. Twice in my life, I have been forced out of my family. Now in my late 50s in my gorgeous home with my lovely hubby and 2 young adult sons. I thank them for what happened. My dad died over 30 years ago now, my mum died earlier this year. It was closure and an end to pretend family I had little or no contact with. I have what I have, a good group of loving friends, and a career I love, I run a charity as well. My recent illness has shown me that.
I believe things happen for a reason, I would not have the abundant life I have now if I had still been part of their squabbles and nastiness. I would not have the friends I now have. Escaping toxic families makes us rely on ourselves and forces us to stand on our own two feet. I believe now I had a lucky escape. Get some counseling to come to terms with what you went through. I suspect there is more trauma than just being refused a home. My sons know they will always have a home with me no matter how old they are. It is important to me they know they can always come home. Our experiences make us who we are. Good luck xxxx

That's wonderful OP! I'm glad that you were able to share your past in more detail with your partner, and that it appears to have helped somewhat.

Because she’s a twat. I have a friend who’s fallen on hard times. She’s 22. Her parents absolutely don’t give a toss where she lives as long as it’s not with them. She’s a lovely girl.

Because it doesn’t ring true and I’m not gullible like so many on here.