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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed that someone will be sleeping in my bed for a week plus?

142 replies

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 14:38

A bit of background is required but I could do with some advice.

I live with my elderly mum in her house. We basically are eachothers carers. All is good, it works out fine for both most of the time.
I pay half for utilities and buy all my own food etc.

But my mum has a friend, she lives up north and also splits her time with a house in Italy. They've been friends since their early 20s, but friend has not invited mum to stay with her in over 30 years.

This friend has declared she's visiting in August, but is unwilling to give an exact date. I asked for how long and mum just said 'oh, probably no longer than a week.'
The problem being, this person will be sleeping in my bed. I have severe osteoporosis, and arthritic symptoms and get a lot of pain in my hip due to a bodged surgery.

The only other place I can sleep is a small 2 person couch in my living area. My legs dangle off the couch at the knees! It is very painful and I wake up every 20 mins.

I half jokingly said I want the friend to pay board, then if necessary I could use at least some of it to sleep in a budget hotel for a couple of nights. Just literally to give me 7 hours of comfortable sleep.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to pay for myself to sleep in a hotel.

What do you all think? Is the friend being U, is my mum for letting her stay indefinitely or am I?

Thank you and I appreciate all responses.

OP posts:
Greyrockin · 27/07/2024 19:16

6hourdrive · 27/07/2024 18:53

@BobbyBiscuits

OP after reading your posts I would never treat my Mum in her own home the way you describe you treat your Mum. Old friendships are priceless and as an adult I would always make sure my Mum and her friends felt comfortable and welcome when they visit.

You have a partner of 18 years and you have friends. Surely, these adult connections of your own can offer you an alternative bed for a few days?

You protesting your earnestness and reporting my post IMO only goes to validate my own POV further.

Of course this is just my opinion after reading your posts. Many others support your views. However, I am allowed my own views too. That is the point of an online forum.

You posted on AIBU and after reading all your posts and answers to questions I have given my reasons why I feel you are being unreasonable and treating your DM and her friend poorly in these circumstances. I don’t understand how you can then say this is horrible just because you don’t agree?

Edited

Still trying to stick the boot in @6hourdrive? Why are you being so nasty?

Cesarina · 27/07/2024 19:15

meercat23 · 27/07/2024 19:03

I am glad I said 'almost always'. 😉

Not sure if I've screwed up here, but my "you sound nice" comment was directed at @6hourdrive

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 19:14

@6hourdrive it's horrible because it bears no resemblance to the truth. I've never treated my mum badly. Your assumptions about me are wrong and rude.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 27/07/2024 19:08

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 17:17

@tuvamoodyson
Do I have any friends? None like you thankfully.
Have I had a relationship? Yes for the last 18 years thanks.
I'm in my mid 40s my mum is 85.
Is that ok?

Wrong person. I replied to that poster saying it wasn’t relevant.

6hourdrive · 27/07/2024 19:06

meercat23 · 27/07/2024 19:02

I thought your earlier post was horrible too. Almost always when you see a post that contains the words 'you sound...' you know to expect some nasty comment.

I'll join in. YOU sound really judgemental and as if you are looking to find nasty things to say.

If it helps you get across what you need to say I have no judgement towards you using the words ‘you sound’ to express yourself.

meercat23 · 27/07/2024 19:03

Cesarina · 27/07/2024 19:01

You sound nice.......

I am glad I said 'almost always'. 😉

meercat23 · 27/07/2024 19:02

6hourdrive · 27/07/2024 18:53

@BobbyBiscuits

OP after reading your posts I would never treat my Mum in her own home the way you describe you treat your Mum. Old friendships are priceless and as an adult I would always make sure my Mum and her friends felt comfortable and welcome when they visit.

You have a partner of 18 years and you have friends. Surely, these adult connections of your own can offer you an alternative bed for a few days?

You protesting your earnestness and reporting my post IMO only goes to validate my own POV further.

Of course this is just my opinion after reading your posts. Many others support your views. However, I am allowed my own views too. That is the point of an online forum.

You posted on AIBU and after reading all your posts and answers to questions I have given my reasons why I feel you are being unreasonable and treating your DM and her friend poorly in these circumstances. I don’t understand how you can then say this is horrible just because you don’t agree?

Edited

I thought your earlier post was horrible too. Almost always when you see a post that contains the words 'you sound...' you know to expect some nasty comment.

I'll join in. YOU sound really judgemental and as if you are looking to find nasty things to say.

Cesarina · 27/07/2024 19:01

This reply has been deleted

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You sound nice.......

Cesarina · 27/07/2024 18:58

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 17:17

@tuvamoodyson
Do I have any friends? None like you thankfully.
Have I had a relationship? Yes for the last 18 years thanks.
I'm in my mid 40s my mum is 85.
Is that ok?

Well said, @BobbyBiscuits👏👏👏

6hourdrive · 27/07/2024 18:53

@BobbyBiscuits

OP after reading your posts I would never treat my Mum in her own home the way you describe you treat your Mum. Old friendships are priceless and as an adult I would always make sure my Mum and her friends felt comfortable and welcome when they visit.

You have a partner of 18 years and you have friends. Surely, these adult connections of your own can offer you an alternative bed for a few days?

You protesting your earnestness and reporting my post IMO only goes to validate my own POV further.

Of course this is just my opinion after reading your posts. Many others support your views. However, I am allowed my own views too. That is the point of an online forum.

You posted on AIBU and after reading all your posts and answers to questions I have given my reasons why I feel you are being unreasonable and treating your DM and her friend poorly in these circumstances. I don’t understand how you can then say this is horrible just because you don’t agree?

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 18:49

@WiddlinDiddlin thank you. I've reported that post. Horrible.

OP posts:
CutthroatDruTheViolent · 27/07/2024 18:48

But your bed is not available? You'll be in it?

I can understand if your mum offered your bed because you'll be away, but not while you're there!

You and your mum might be related but you're in a housemate situation here - just because she's your mum she doesn't have the right to offer your bed to HER friend.

You need to make a stand and say no. Even if you didn't have any issues sleeping elsewhere you should do this.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 18:44

@6hourdrive you've got completely the wrong impression if you take the things I've said to mean I control my mum and she's scared of me?!
I'm sorry but that's just wide off the mark and offensive to me and her.

OP posts:
CovertPiggery · 27/07/2024 18:36

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What a load of old nonsense.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/07/2024 18:29

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Did you read the OP's posts...

Or just skim the first one and then make up the rest of this in your head?

OP pays half the bills and for her own food - I assume the house is owned outright so there is no mortgage. Therefore she is paying her way, not living rent free.

OP is her Mums carer, that is why she lives there.

OP's Mum doesn't sound scared to ask her daughter to switch rooms, just worried about the future and her reducing mobility.

IF they both claim carers allowance for being one anothers carer, what the absolute fuck has that got to do with you?

Alfonsoo · 27/07/2024 18:26

wow

6hourdrive · 27/07/2024 18:21

This reply has been deleted

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NamelessNancy · 27/07/2024 17:54

Osteoporosis or no osteoporosis I'd be horrified if anyone suggested giving up their bed to host me. Who on earth is ok about someone else giving up their comfort and private space for them?

That said there's nothing that appeals to me less than being a house guest, other than perhaps hosting one. Hotels are there for a reason.

TheHuntSyndicate · 27/07/2024 17:34

Well done.

I hope that you're not expected to wait hand and foot on the guest.

murasaki · 27/07/2024 17:30

Well done.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 17:22

Thanks again everyone.
I asserted myself and explained it was going to be too uncomfortable for her to sleep in my bed, and we could buy a z bed or air mattress for friend to sleep in mums living room.
Mum was actually really ok with it. It released a bit of anxiety about her own sleeping arrangements, as she feels she'll need to switch rooms with me soon. Mine is nearer the bathroom. It makes her feel a bit upset as it's a sign of her failing mobility. But that is a separate thing I reassured her about.
She can sleep wherever she needs in her house and of course I'll move for her.
I think it's all going to be fine and the airbed is a good addition anyway for the house. I said I'd play half for it, as I do for everything.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 27/07/2024 17:17

@tuvamoodyson
Do I have any friends? None like you thankfully.
Have I had a relationship? Yes for the last 18 years thanks.
I'm in my mid 40s my mum is 85.
Is that ok?

OP posts:
Shiveringinthecountry · 27/07/2024 16:46

Just no! It sounds like your mum has forgotten that you're not a child anymore, who can be expected to give up a bed for a visitor.

There is absolutely no way that you should be agreeing to let this person have your room. If there isn't room for her to sleep elsewhere in the house then she'll need to book into a hotel.

Honestly, it's a completely insane idea! I hope you'll stand up for yourself.

TheHuntSyndicate · 27/07/2024 16:43

Do not give up your bed!

Why can't the fiend pick up a blow up single air bed and camp on the floor in your mothers bedroom?

Stand firm and do not give in to this usurping !

PerfectTravelTote · 27/07/2024 16:43

This isn't the first time you've had a guest and encountered this problem.

One of you needs to get another bed/sofa bed/camp bed so your mother can have guests in her own house if she wants. It sounds like you have enough space.

It's not rocket science.

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