Adults calling their parents by their names

aaaaaaaand there we have it.

I'd be prepared to bet a small but significant sum that a non-zero percentage of people calling their parents by their first names do it to stop the absolute MOANING from people like you

Mummy and daddy said by adults to or about their parents make my toes curl.

It should be illegal.

There's a long backstory. At the time, both the ex's partner and my husband were very unwell. DH had had a stroke, which meant his emotions were more to the fore. He didn't show his upset in front of his granddaughter.

His ex was very controlling. She broke up the marriage by acquiring a work colleague as a boyfriend, but told all their mutual friends that DH had walked out on her. (He did. After she spent the night with the boyfriend on a work trip.)

When I say that the ex was "controlling", you have no idea... She even tried to gatecrash our honeymoon - but that's another story.

Because she kept the family home, their adult children stayed with her when they visited. Each of her partners became "Grandad". I married DH 8 years after he left his first wife. The grandchild was born 6 yrs after we married.

When the baby arrived, DH's daughter announced that I was too young to be a grandmother and declined DH's suggestion that I be an honorary aunty - so I was always called by my first name. Absolutely up to Dh's daughter and I never queried that. Neither did DH, though he was upset when he realised that the affair partner was "Grandad". (The ex's first boyfriend was also younger, but the ex always got her way and all of her partners have been "Grandad.")

Paradoxically, the daughter's partner was older than her - the age gap between her and her partner was the same as that between my husband and me, so I reckon that there was something more at play than my age - I think she'd believed the ex's narrative.

I think if the granddaughter had said "I meant John..." it would have been all right - but she just turned to my husband and called him by his first name. There was no ill intent whatsoever, but DH was hurt. He'd already been pushed out of so many things by the ex's affair partner that this mistake hurt when it shouldn't have. As I said, he was unwell, but he didn't tell his granddaughter that he was upset.

And no, he wasn't doctrinaire about how he was addressed at all.

But why was he ‘upset’? She didn’t habitually call him by his first name, she just used it to clarify she meant him, not someone else. Is he normally this doctrinaire about how he’s addressed? I’m not sure what the relevance of how many partners your granddaughter’s grandmother has had to your husband being upset.

Never heard anyone call this parents anything other than mum or dad at the age of 40+!

I find it a little disrespectful, especially as you said she doesn't really like it. But I wouldn't let it fill me with rage!

I recall my late husband getting upset when his granddaughter called him by his first name. She was about 17 - had said "Grandad" and her grandmother's 3rd partner had responded.

In order to clarify, she then addressed my husband by his first name. He didn't show that he was upset to her, but he was.

I know one child like this. She’s a precocious child anyway and apparently it’s cute joke in their family that she calls her Dad by his first name. She’s 12.
She does it to shock and they indulge her. I find it disrespectful but it may be they are picking their battles.

I think that is more the issue. I'd be annoyed if a relative spoke like a sales person, or an estate agent.

My 3 adult children call me and their Dad by our first names, and have done since their late teens. No particular reason, and it wasn't a conscious decision by anyone, it just sort of gradually evolved. Everyone's fine with it, and absolutely no big deal.

My mum called her mum by a shortening of her name for at least the last 15y of her life. DB calls our dad by his first name and our mum by the full version of her name (she’s known to everyone as the shortened version). There is no disrespect about it, just naturally happened

One of my now-adult DCs calls his father by his first name. He has since he was about four, no idea why! Doesn't seem to bother either of them (I divorced his dad).

One of my adult dcs calls dh and me by our first names. I think he started doing it in his teens as a sort of cheeky joke and it stuck. If I'm honest I don't really like it but I'd never tell him that. It feels less personal than calling me 'mum' as my other dcs do.

"It's usually when it accompanies some dismissive or belittling comment, it doesn't feel equalising, it feels rude."

It's the comments that are the problem. Using her name is just a symptom of his nasty attitude – you're right, it is rude. But if you want to pull him up, I'd do that based on the content of the comment and not the use of your mother's name.

I call my Mum her first name about 60% of the time, it came about because it's just her, my stepdad and I so I just got into the habit of saying her name because I call my step dad by his name

I call my mum by her first name. This is because at one point we all shared a house with my grandparents, my aunt and her children. Calling "mum" would either get no response from any of them or all of them running to see if it was their child calling. Somehow it stuck and I very rarely call her mum unless it is just the two of us in the room.

My mum doesn't respond to 'Mum' very well. She's losing her hearing and by the time she's tuned in to the fact someone is speaking, the moment has passed. Her actual name has more syllables so if I'm trying to get her attention it's "Mum! Mum? Actual name!" My daughter has started to do the same to me. It works. I told her when she was tiny if she was lost to shout her own name because calling Mum in the places we went to could have been about 60% of the adults there.

My godson, an only child, was told by his DM in his late teens that she wouldn't mind if he called her by her first name and his response was, "Anybody who knows you well enough can call you 'Mary', but I'm the only person in the world who can call you Mum!"

I can't imagine calling my parents (me 50 them 75) anything other than mum and dad

Maybe if they do something scandalous I may say "FULL NANE" in the same way they may use my full name then.

In company it's still mum and dad. Maybe different if we are in a formal professional context like work? (Which seems very much like the traitors scenario!!)

@lunchingwithladies It's funny, I too have an idiotic unpleasant brother who went through a phase of calling my parents by their names when we were growing up, but it was, as usual, attention seeking behaviour. Painful to have to witness.

Going to secondary school or into year 8 seems to be the cutoff where I am!

I find it strange.

I have a good friend, always just said "my dad" to me.

Was in both their company and it was constant "do you want a cup of tea, John?" etc.

There is nothing wrong with it, but I find it a bit strange. Just can't imagine calling my dad anything other than dad.

I think a woman calling her dad ‘daddy’ is fine and cute, but not calling her mum ‘mummy’!

My 9 and 12 year old call me and my husband by our first names and have done for about a year. I was sad initially but they are both autistic, so I need to pick my battles and it’s part of their individuality.