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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit pissed off with my 18 year old?

111 replies

JMSA · 27/07/2024 02:49

My daughters are supposed to be spending this weekend with their dad (every second weekend with him), but my 18 year old asked if she and two friends could sleep here tonight instead. They wanted to have drinks here while getting ready to go out, have their night out and then come back here to sleep. I'm closer to the city centre, so it's easier for them.
Not a problem, this is her home.
One of the friends has been to our place to stay loads of times. The other hadn't been here before and I wanted to make her feel welcome (as I tend to do with my girls' friends). So I took in a tray of drinks and nice snacks while they were getting ready, and left them to it.
While they were out, I entered the room to put some bedding on the trundle bed.
There's stuff everywhere! Bits of snacks that have been partially eaten and discarded, glasses empty or half filled with drinks, wrappers lying around, the wooden floor sticky with drink, etc.
I had a bit of a tidy up - I wouldn't normally do that but they wouldn't have been able to get into bed with everything lying around - especially if they're a bit pissed.
I don't know, it just feels like a pisstake. Yes, they were slightly merry before they left. But it would have taken them two minutes to jointly bring through their dishes and bin their rubbish. They're all leaving at around 10am tomorrow, as they have plans, so there's no way it was going to be done before they left.
It's not the first time I've had to have words with my daughter about this. I mean, if she doesn't respect her home (or me!) then she can hardly expect others to.
I feel like telling her not to have any more sleepovers here, on what is supposed to be my weekend off.
AIBU or am I being spectacularly uptight? It's true that I don't like mess Grin

OP posts:
socks1107 · 28/07/2024 09:47

I've gone in after my daughter and friends have gone out, cleared a space on the beds so they can come in and get into bed easily. This is so they don't wake me banging about!
But the mess? I'd have ignored it and been pleased she was having a good time

cansu · 28/07/2024 09:07

You didn't even give her 24 hours to clean up! You didn't need to go in her room. You are being intrusive and yes uptight.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 28/07/2024 09:05

My dd will do this before a night out, but it's always cleaned up the following day. I tend to just shut the door and not look

LegendInMyOwnLunchtime · 28/07/2024 09:03

So what if it is untidy; it’s her room.

Sticky floor? No damage done.

They were excited getting ready, 18 year olds are a bit feckless.

It’s her room.

She’s 18. Why didn’t you give her the sheets for the spare bed and leave her to it?

And it’s quite intrusive to 18 year olds, going in with drinks, going in amongst their stuff with sheets.

Telling her she can’t have friends to stay because of this would be a wild over reaction

mirrorlife · 28/07/2024 08:56

Step back a bit. Bringing trays of snacks up and then going in to tidy up- it’s all a bit over-involved.

Better to let them experience the natural consequences themselves- they didn’t make the bed up so they have to do it at the end of the night when they are tired. Next time they’ll be more
organised. No need for you be be a martyr doing it for them then feeling cross about it.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/07/2024 08:56

But yes, they've left a lot of mess before

If you knew that, and it bothers you, taking a tray of food and drink into her room was probably not the best idea!

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2024 08:51

Well I certainly wouldn't have gone in there and tidied up! If they can't get into their beds because of the mess then tough! They'll probably be too pissed to even care!
It is disrespectful though but they were excited about their night out and tidying up probably wasn't high on their agenda!
I'd be having a chat re going forward though

ssd · 28/07/2024 08:38

Bloody hell op. You need to unclench . And quit with the bringing up little trays of snacks to make the friend feel welcome, they aren't 10 and this isn't Abigails party. Step out the room and leave them to it.

Dancingmonkeyfeet · 28/07/2024 08:17

18 year old girls do not start tidying up when they are half pissed and on their way out.

They just don’t 😂

Just say - next time don’t fuck your room up
when your getting ready.

Bedroomdilemmas113 · 28/07/2024 08:14

I really don’t like mess, my house is immaculate and my kids are very good at tidying up after themselves.

However, in these circumstances even I wouldn’t give a toss! I’d honestly be more concerned if she stopped the getting ready vibe to make everyone tidy up. Let her have fun.

If it was still like that the following evening, she would be up for adoption though!

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/07/2024 08:11

Teen has messy bedroom, who’d have thought?

Fluufer · 28/07/2024 08:09

It's her room and you didn't even give her a chance to tidy up. A bit of mess for a few hours isn't going to hurt anyone.

capstix · 28/07/2024 07:58

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 21:32

Oh, yes. Let’s make it political. Has nothing to do with politics, just respect.

Not making it political. Just taking the micky out of the poster's clearly authoritarian domestic bent. Sorry you didn't get it.

OldTinHat · 27/07/2024 21:57

From experience, close their door and ignore. Not your room, not your problem.

itsmylife7 · 27/07/2024 21:56

Do not tidy the room up.

Malahide · 27/07/2024 21:55

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 21:32

Oh, yes. Let’s make it political. Has nothing to do with politics, just respect.

Most parents would respect their adult child by giving them privacy in their own bedroom.

MasterBeth · 27/07/2024 21:49

Uptight. Adult's bedroom. Keep your nose out.

Bluebonnet100 · 27/07/2024 21:32

capstix · 27/07/2024 18:14

Surely this post should have ended "Vote Trump! Make America great again!"

Oh, yes. Let’s make it political. Has nothing to do with politics, just respect.

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/07/2024 20:50

WeeOrcadian · 27/07/2024 13:28

She's old enough to drink
She's old enough to go out
She's old enough to tidy her room

Absolutely

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 27/07/2024 19:10

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 27/07/2024 12:58

I’m 30 and I leave my bedroom in a right state when I go on an evening out. Last minute outfit decisions, clothes strewn everywhere, hair products, drinks glasses, shoes, bags etc.
As long as it gets cleaned up eventually. And nothing mouldy. That would be my limit.

Same here. My bedroom looked like a tornado had gone through it when I was getting ready for a night out when I was 18!
Now I'm pushing 40 with 2 kids and the entire house looks like a tornado has gone through it when getting us all ready to go out for a special occasion! It gets tidied up next day....

TheSeagullsSquawk · 27/07/2024 19:04

I don't really get any of this - it seems very fussy/infantalising to bring drinks and snacks into her room. Although alternatively just kind!

But I do think you are showing some signs of inability to separate her from you. Eg the disrespect of 'your space'. She's a teen/adult. You roll your eyes at her and tell her to sort it out.

Is this a 'you can do what you like when you have your own house' situation? My Mum was like that. I did A levels went to uni - never came back.

capstix · 27/07/2024 18:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/07/2024 14:23

This!

End of!

Surely this post should have ended "Vote Trump! Make America great again!"

Malahide · 27/07/2024 15:41

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 27/07/2024 13:53

It is disrespectful op she is 18 not 8 and should have had a quick tidy up before she went out.
Yanbu

I take it you’ve never gotten ready for a night out in a rush then? Or parented teenage girls before?

Choochoo21 · 27/07/2024 14:55

YellowDaffodilRedTulip · 27/07/2024 12:58

I’m 30 and I leave my bedroom in a right state when I go on an evening out. Last minute outfit decisions, clothes strewn everywhere, hair products, drinks glasses, shoes, bags etc.
As long as it gets cleaned up eventually. And nothing mouldy. That would be my limit.

I agree!

It’s common knowledge that the room gets messy when getting ready for a night out.

Its very telling that you went in twice (and mentioned that it’s not your weekend to have her).

You need to back off a bit and let her be a young adult.
If she’s generally a nice, respectful girl then leave her to get on with it.

cupcaske123 · 27/07/2024 14:26

Don't take food into her room, there's no need. Sleepovers? She's 18. It's her room and she's old enough to clean it up herself.

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