To be a bit pissed off with my 18 year old?

my DD stopped going to their dads by 16 ish... not cos the didn't love him etc.. but they had lives

Your daughter is 18... a bit old for sleep overs don't you think.. why were you pandering getting them snacks.. tidying up... she's 18.

I have a 22 DD at home.. she doesn't have to ask if a friend can sleep over, I do expect a brief 'so and so is staying tonight'. And that's it.. it's her room, her mess, her problem

Her room, her mess. Just shut the door and leave her to it!! Just make a no drinks/food rule! And if they had to make room to get into bed when they came home that's their lookout!!

You sound like an absolute joy.

I wouldn’t pussyfoot round them. I’d blast the three of them in the morning. 18 but still kids really.

Am I the only one who finds it a bit weird that mum expects an 18 yr old to still take turns visiting Dad at weekends.
Surely now she is an 18 yr old adult, she can decide to see her Dad whenever it's convenient for them both.

Sounds normal before a night out. I'm in my 30s and my friends and I make this mess if 'getting ready together'

I am not sure I understand, so her bedroom was trashed?
surely you can make her clean up before she goes away from yours?

if not…well, next time she wants to come over for a « before party », the answer is no.

I wouldn’t have put on the bedding, DD could do it, nor brought snacks or booze upstairs. Wouldn’t have tidied the stuff away & would be pissed off if DD didn’t sort it out by the next day.

Because that's the point of the thread.

My 22 year old went out on Tuesday and hasnt been home since. She had put some washing on before she went - it is currently festering damp and smelly in her laundry basket. She's an adult (as is your 18 year old). Let it stink.

she also has food festering in her room that I know about and am fuming. I have just shut the door so it stinks.

I swear young adult girls are worse than teenage boys. 'They are completely gross

18 year olds tend to sort their own drinks ... I'm not sure the threat of water only, will have the desired effect.

I wouldn't like this either, but I think it is an overstep to go in there and tidy it up. You are not a maid.
I would say unless she can be respectful she will only be offered water going forward.
Its okay to lay out your expectations of conduct in your home.

I had to check the daughter's age as, apart from the alcohol, I'd have assumed she was about 12.

if your daughter wants to have friends round she can sort out her own drinks and snacks and sleeping arrangements. She can also leave her room in as much of a tip as she wants and you shouldn't be going in when she's not there.

Yes, I agree you need ground rules around leaving food and drink around, but if it was only going to take 2 minutes, then you simply ask her tomorrow morning to make sure she's not left food and drink about and it can be done then.

coincidentally my daughter is also 18 and planning to have friends round tonight. Other than a discussion about what would be acceptable noise levels when it gets later, I am not remotely involved.

You're being uptight. Im not even sure why you would go in her room. At 18 she is more than capable of making up the bed and tidying her own bedroom.
I remember leaving the house in a mess getting ready for girls nights out. It's really not that big of a deal. I survived stepping over some mess when I rolled in drunk and managed to clean it up the next day.

I would have left it for her to do, tough shit if they couldn’t get into bed, they’d have had to tidy up, then, wouldn’t they? She’s 18, not 8, although I’d expect an 8 year old to be capable of tidying up their own room too.

OP - you have every right to be fed up! Perhaps you have been too lenient and welcoming. They’re taking advantage of your good nature. Being messy and inconsiderate is. NOT a right of passage. Just say this can’t happen again the future, they must leave the room tidy, and no food will be taken to the bed room. Why do parents allow that anyway?

Why is your 18 adult daughter still being shoved between her home and her fathers home every other weekend ? She isn't a child.

Yep YABU

They were heading on a night out, you don't know for a fact they wouldn't have tidied in the morning.

A bit OTT on your part

I'm double their age and when I'm getting ready to go out for a night out I leave my room like a shithole - that's tomorrows problem. It's stressful enough getting ready without having to tidy all the crap up before you leave.

Chill out.

The problem is she knows you will do it!!! Leave it next time and make her deal with it!

No you’re not being unreasonable and definitely not uptight!

I'd love to have those days back again.
And be less uptight.

YABU, it honestly seems like you were looking for a way to feel put upon.

You seem to think you did her a favour by allowing her to stay when she was supposed to be at her dad's. You say of course she could as it's her home, but everything else about the post indicates that you feel aggrieved that she wasn't more grateful. I think that's sad. My kids also go to their dad's every other weekend so I do get it as, much as I miss them, I enjoy not having to think about food when they're not there, but I find the sense of resentment from you that she made a mess when she wasn't 'supposed' to be there anyway quite sad.

I also wouldn't dream of taking up trays of snacks and drinks to teenagers. They don't want that, ime. They want to be left to get on with it and to sort themselves out with anything they want. Stop being a martyr and let them get on with it. Tidying up the next day after having people round and then a night out is absolutely normal as communal areas were not affected, particularly as you were the one who took the stuff in there anyway! They obviously weren't going to tidy up once they'd been drinking so why did you add to the mess potential when you weren't even asked to?