Page 4 | Comments from DH on appearance

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 2024-07-26T21:29:25+00:00

A couple of weeks it was that he noticed I'd gained weight. Yep promotion at work and not been able to get out as much. I've rectified this by starting running club and fasting. I've been a lot healthier since, it was an adjustment with new role. Helped him with a work issue this week during my own work breaks. Meant I didn't have time to sort dinner & put make up on before going to a kid's theatre show. Cue comment on my face with no make up on. He'd also pissed me off by wanting to do buy new carpets on credit so he could take the money from house sale and put it in a savings account. He didn't explain this, was annoyed when I said I don't want ongoing credit agreement and that I should have known without him explaining it to me that he would want to put it in a savings account to earn interest. Tonight I showed new sandals I bought. They are chunky and I am tall and then it was comments about their/my height. I don't see why I should exclusively only wear flats because I'm tall. I like the sandals but if I wear them his temperament will shift. He's made me feel like a fat, ugly monster. And I'm not, I get hit on sometimes. His taste in clothes isn't always to my taste but I love him more and like his clothes because it's what he likes. If he was wearing something ridiculous I'd tell him, which is what he thinks he's doing to me but it's a couple of times a week - am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:40

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2024 23:36

What does he actually say? I know you said he comments about your makeup or whatever but the actual comments might help people with a comeback.

Do you think he might stop if instead of reacting you just look at him and say ....'yep'. So if he is saying things like 'you've come out with no make up on!'. You just say 'yep' and pretend to be bored by the conversation/ move on to something else rather than start explaining or justifying or trying to find out what he meant (which is 'I wanted you to wear makeup but I can't come out and say that because it's controlling so I'm going to throw out a statement designed to make you question yourself so hopefully you'll feel shit enough to wear it next time without me needing to say anything')anything.

Otherwise start doing it to him. 'Are you wearing those shoes with those trainers?' 'Have you not had much time to work out this week?' 'Going out in that top again?'...all things that you can claim were you 'just taking an interest' if he asks why you're saying it

"It's always better to wear a bit of make up"

[after returning from his own trip rock climbing abroad & me doing childcare for the week.] "Maybe you could take an exercise holiday, you've put on a little weight lately"

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:40

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:30

I've said this and he says "yes please, do tell me". It's not in my nature. The stuff that gets me really cross is rudeness.

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If this won’t work, and you’re happy to stay with him, then I think you’re just going to have to ignore it or make light of it.

So when he makes some comment about lack of makeup, then the response could be eg ‘Well, who cares? I wasn’t going to miss the show!’ Could you train him off them by a breezy response? It’s either that, or just ignore him.

Noseybookworm · 26/07/2024 23:39

Ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who puts you down when he should be building you up? What do you think years and years of that are going to do to your self-esteem? Don't kid yourself that he's just socially unaware - you've told him how this makes you feel and he knows exactly what he's doing. He WANTS to make you feel bad about yourself. That's not love.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2024 23:38

Also the whole 'I'm just giving my opinion' is shit. Opinions should be given when discussing a topic, or when they're asked for. Or if they're positive. Going around telling people all the negative opinions you have about them 'I really think you made a shit choice marrying him' 'oh I think you should have bought the other house' etc is just going to make people feel like shit, with no tangible benefit for any party

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:37

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2024 23:33

Short sharp reply every time op

I like me the way I am or I like them - if you don't, see that door walk through it.

Will try & have said in past. But if gets to the point you're defending yourself to a bully in your own marriage it's got to be over. My parents still bicker like that to this day & the idea of spending 20+ years in this cycle of crap gives me the massive ick.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 26/07/2024 23:37

I'd be asking him when he's off to Turkey for hair plugs. I'm 😈

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/07/2024 23:36

What does he actually say? I know you said he comments about your makeup or whatever but the actual comments might help people with a comeback.

Do you think he might stop if instead of reacting you just look at him and say ....'yep'. So if he is saying things like 'you've come out with no make up on!'. You just say 'yep' and pretend to be bored by the conversation/ move on to something else rather than start explaining or justifying or trying to find out what he meant (which is 'I wanted you to wear makeup but I can't come out and say that because it's controlling so I'm going to throw out a statement designed to make you question yourself so hopefully you'll feel shit enough to wear it next time without me needing to say anything')anything.

Otherwise start doing it to him. 'Are you wearing those shoes with those trainers?' 'Have you not had much time to work out this week?' 'Going out in that top again?'...all things that you can claim were you 'just taking an interest' if he asks why you're saying it

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:35

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:31

I’m afraid you need to do exactly that - take that power away from him.

You’ve told him and he still keeps on doing it.

Time to toughen up, I think, and teach him a lesson.

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I think toughening up, not stooping to his level or letting him bother me.

I did actually think earlier that if I wanted a clean break now would be the time do it. The house is selling in a couple of weeks. We could get half of the proceeds each and go our separate ways. There'd be no big house & he wouldn't have access to discounted financial products through me.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2024 23:35

Dad=dead

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2024 23:35

Or there's my favourite response, look him dad in the eye and say

'Your being an utter twat'

And exit the room

Hankunamatata · 26/07/2024 23:33

Short sharp reply every time op

I like me the way I am or I like them - if you don't, see that door walk through it.

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:32

WigglyVonWaggly · 26/07/2024 23:32

So you need to criticise his personality then. He says he can take it.

He's like an impervious brick wall! I also don't want to set out to criticise him.

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WigglyVonWaggly · 26/07/2024 23:32

So you need to criticise his personality then. He says he can take it.

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:31

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:29

Thank you.

He knows. He has been told what those comments do to me. I have shared with him that if he took two seconds to think through what he says and to try to be kind he would change the dynamic of the marriage instantly. I don't mind constructive feedback. I'd want to know if I was leaving the house looking like a wally or my make up wasn't rubbed in. I care what he thinks because he's the one person on the planet (other than DD) whose opinion I do care about. I can't take that power away from him.

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I’m afraid you need to do exactly that - take that power away from him.

You’ve told him and he still keeps on doing it.

Time to toughen up, I think, and teach him a lesson.

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:30

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:28

I’d treat him the same way. I don’t care what it is - his clothes, weight, anything. I think this is the only thing that works with people like this. If you say how it makes you feel, you get accused of being sensitive. Do go y let it bother you. Just do it back. If he complains, tell him it won’t stop until he stops.

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I've said this and he says "yes please, do tell me". It's not in my nature. The stuff that gets me really cross is rudeness.

OP posts:

WigglyVonWaggly · 26/07/2024 23:29

I wouldn’t be with a man who criticised my height, face without makeup or a small amount of weight gain. Tell him you still get plenty of interest and his nasty little comments designed to make you feel shit only make him less attractive as a person, so if he thinks he can do better, off he goes. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:29

Crocadoodledoo · 26/07/2024 23:12

Your book offer is an amazing achievement! Congratulations OP.

Sounds like he’s jealous and is looking for ways to take you down a peg or two.

It’ll be misogyny driving it, as is so often the case with inadequate men.

Thank you.

He knows. He has been told what those comments do to me. I have shared with him that if he took two seconds to think through what he says and to try to be kind he would change the dynamic of the marriage instantly. I don't mind constructive feedback. I'd want to know if I was leaving the house looking like a wally or my make up wasn't rubbed in. I care what he thinks because he's the one person on the planet (other than DD) whose opinion I do care about. I can't take that power away from him.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:28

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 22:38

I'm sensitive though aren't I? It's the ultimate comeback. I can't say anything to you because you're sensitive.

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I’d treat him the same way. I don’t care what it is - his clothes, weight, anything. I think this is the only thing that works with people like this. If you say how it makes you feel, you get accused of being sensitive. Do go y let it bother you. Just do it back. If he complains, tell him it won’t stop until he stops.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 26/07/2024 23:26

andfinallyhereweare · 26/07/2024 23:05

I’d stop reacting- it’s like a game to him.

Him:,Those new shoes are high.
you: yes that’s what I love about them!

Him: no make up today?
you: yes my skin needs to breathe!

and so on and so on

This

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:25

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/07/2024 23:00

This seems classic gaslighting...

He's making you doubt your perception as to what he said...

It's nasty and emotionally destabilising...

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It's a defence mechanism on his part I think. And because it's emotionally destabilising he gets a reaction which basically backs up his perception & therefore nothing changes.

He just has really low social awareness or any desire to be more socially aware than he is.

OP posts:

Original poster

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:21

Monka · 26/07/2024 23:09

Gosh he sounds horrible. Ultimately do you think he’ll make similar comments to your dd when she gets a bit older? Because that would be the deciding factor for me. We all tolerate different things but I had my father tell me I wouldn’t amount to anything when my mother divorced him (I was 12 and this didn’t come true) that I don’t tolerate any similar nonsense from any other man, including my husband when I got older.

This is my worry. Because he knows best.

OP posts:

Crocadoodledoo · 26/07/2024 23:12

Your book offer is an amazing achievement! Congratulations OP.

Sounds like he’s jealous and is looking for ways to take you down a peg or two.

It’ll be misogyny driving it, as is so often the case with inadequate men.

Monka · 26/07/2024 23:09

Gosh he sounds horrible. Ultimately do you think he’ll make similar comments to your dd when she gets a bit older? Because that would be the deciding factor for me. We all tolerate different things but I had my father tell me I wouldn’t amount to anything when my mother divorced him (I was 12 and this didn’t come true) that I don’t tolerate any similar nonsense from any other man, including my husband when I got older.

andfinallyhereweare · 26/07/2024 23:05

I’d stop reacting- it’s like a game to him.

Him:,Those new shoes are high.
you: yes that’s what I love about them!

Him: no make up today?
you: yes my skin needs to breathe!

and so on and so on

cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 23:04

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:00

How do I disengage from his comments & not take them to heart? If anyone has a 1,2.3 because I'm struggling to

OP you have to distance yourself from him in the sense that you no longer care what he says. You say he's great but I'm not convinced. Your daughter can see the effect his words have on you and she can see how hurt you are. I really don't like what you're saying about sex, that it's something you do to keep him happy.

In my opinion, he's happy when he's getting his own way and he gets a kick out of putting you down because he's a nasty little man.