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Comments from DH on appearance

116 replies

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 22:29

A couple of weeks it was that he noticed I'd gained weight. Yep promotion at work and not been able to get out as much. I've rectified this by starting running club and fasting. I've been a lot healthier since, it was an adjustment with new role.

Helped him with a work issue this week during my own work breaks. Meant I didn't have time to sort dinner & put make up on before going to a kid's theatre show. Cue comment on my face with no make up on.

He'd also pissed me off by wanting to do buy new carpets on credit so he could take the money from house sale and put it in a savings account. He didn't explain this, was annoyed when I said I don't want ongoing credit agreement and that I should have known without him explaining it to me that he would want to put it in a savings account to earn interest.

Tonight I showed new sandals I bought. They are chunky and I am tall and then it was comments about their/my height. I don't see why I should exclusively only wear flats because I'm tall. I like the sandals but if I wear them his temperament will shift.

He's made me feel like a fat, ugly monster. And I'm not, I get hit on sometimes. His taste in clothes isn't always to my taste but I love him more and like his clothes because it's what he likes. If he was wearing something ridiculous I'd tell him, which is what he thinks he's doing to me but it's a couple of times a week - am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

OP posts:
LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 00:06

cupcaske123 · 27/07/2024 00:02

That's not really DARVO. It's:

How do my new sandals look?

They make you look tall and ugly.

No need to be so rude.

You're always complaining, I can't say anything. All you do is nag. I can't put a foot right. All I get in this house is grief, I'm off to the pub.

I think it is gaslighting to a) change an account [example in another post of shoes] to "I never said what you think I said" and b) in this scenario I pulled him up on not properly explaining his plans and being rude to me in the shop, and him defending his stance with "you should have known"

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 27/07/2024 00:04

I actually haven’t had to speak to my DH like this, as the only time he was unpleasant (not comments about appearance like this, but was stressed over something and was verging on the shouty), he did it in front of his parents, and FIL bollocked him. If he hadn’t, I would have - and he knew I would. So mine learned in his 20s not to behave badly. You’re going to have to assert yourself now as yours hasn’t learned.

Marine30 · 27/07/2024 00:04

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 00:02

He is a good father but I worry about him raising a teenage daughter.

They do get harder after the age of 12 and definitely more sensitive. It would be awful for a teen girl to hear she needs to wear more/less make up and weight comments should be totally out of bounds. Could he do that?

Lemonlily · 27/07/2024 00:04

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:56

The wrong side of 40 and 12 years.

Can you really see yourself putting up with the same treatment for another 40 years of your life?

cupcaske123 · 27/07/2024 00:02

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:55

100% it's always reversed on me.

Take the carpet shop example when I was hesitant to take out credit and he was mysteriously asking about it and getting annoyed when I was stressed. He had this plan he didn't share that we would take out 0% credit & pay it off instead of paying upfront with proceeds of house sale to put that money in an account to earn interest.

Not once did he say this when I was stressed/concerned about taking out a credit agreement.

His response: "You work at a bank, you should have figured it out"

That's not really DARVO. It's:

How do my new sandals look?

They make you look tall and ugly.

No need to be so rude.

You're always complaining, I can't say anything. All you do is nag. I can't put a foot right. All I get in this house is grief, I'm off to the pub.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 00:02

Marine30 · 27/07/2024 00:01

You sound like you’re doings lots - good job, book deal, help him out whenever he needs it - what exactly is he bringing to the table? If he’s a really great dad that might be something but you haven’t said that he is. He certainly doesn’t sound like a great or even good husband.

He is a good father but I worry about him raising a teenage daughter.

OP posts:
Marine30 · 27/07/2024 00:02

But are you an ‘easy target’ because he has made you feel this way gradually over the years?

Comtesse · 27/07/2024 00:01

I would wear those sandals or high heels every day for the next month just to annoy him.

He’s super rude. Imagine him making bitchy comments like that to your daughter - gruesome.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 00:01

Problem is I'm already self-conscious with adhd/auditory processing issues and rejection sensitivity. Basically I come across as a bit of a slow, emotional idiot. I don't word things normally all the time especially when stressed because I find words hard to grasp and get out there sometimes. My verbal skills are a lot better when I'm not stressed. I'm an easy target.

OP posts:
Marine30 · 27/07/2024 00:01

You sound like you’re doings lots - good job, book deal, help him out whenever he needs it - what exactly is he bringing to the table? If he’s a really great dad that might be something but you haven’t said that he is. He certainly doesn’t sound like a great or even good husband.

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:58

Op, he needs a very firm talking to and some consequences. Tell him very clearly that there will be no more comments about your weight, clothes or makeup- none. If there are, the only explanations are that he’s either thick as the proverbial as he can’t understand a simple instruction, or he’s being deliberately nasty. Neither is attractive.

I do not do favours for someone who speaks to me like this. I would have no hesitation in reminding him of this.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:56

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2024 23:54

I went back and read some parts I missed. If its the perfect time to split because of an easily split pot of assets then go for it. You didn't state how old you were or how long you've been married but you know when its enough.

The wrong side of 40 and 12 years.

OP posts:
LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:55

cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 23:49

Does he practice DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. It's common with emotional abusers which he is. Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

100% it's always reversed on me.

Take the carpet shop example when I was hesitant to take out credit and he was mysteriously asking about it and getting annoyed when I was stressed. He had this plan he didn't share that we would take out 0% credit & pay it off instead of paying upfront with proceeds of house sale to put that money in an account to earn interest.

Not once did he say this when I was stressed/concerned about taking out a credit agreement.

His response: "You work at a bank, you should have figured it out"

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2024 23:54

I went back and read some parts I missed. If its the perfect time to split because of an easily split pot of assets then go for it. You didn't state how old you were or how long you've been married but you know when its enough.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:52

GrumpyPanda · 26/07/2024 23:44

Sounds like negging, and my patience for him would have worn thin long ago. Though I'd be more inclined to respond along the lines of "there you go again" or even FO rather than engaging in the tit for tat games some pp are suggesting.

That aside, if you spent your time off assisting him with some work why is it then your job to make dinner? Sounds like there's more than one problem in your marriage.

Oh I know. He had a tough person to deal with at work who was sending difficult emails. I am in meetings and deal with all sorts of people all day so I supported him handling it as he has much fewer meetings and when they do they are focused on topics he enjoys.

Helped him with that then I get shitty comments at the carpet shop and then the make up comment. I think he is finding work tough because he's having to deal with people more than usual and do admin he doesn't normally do like organise an event & is taking it out on me. I said to him earlier, I'm not the one who gave you those tasks at work, don't hate on me!!

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 23:49

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:47

I was cross.

But then of course I'm overreacting.

Cue discussion about me.

Does he practice DARVO? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender. It's common with emotional abusers which he is. Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:47

Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:46

There would be an explosion in this house if my DH spoke to me like that.

OP, this is downright nasty. I don’t swear at my husband - but I would do if he made those comments. Two short words.

I was cross.

But then of course I'm overreacting.

Cue discussion about me.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/07/2024 23:46

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:40

"It's always better to wear a bit of make up"

[after returning from his own trip rock climbing abroad & me doing childcare for the week.] "Maybe you could take an exercise holiday, you've put on a little weight lately"

There would be an explosion in this house if my DH spoke to me like that.

OP, this is downright nasty. I don’t swear at my husband - but I would do if he made those comments. Two short words.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:46

Gettingbysomehow · 26/07/2024 23:43

I take it he's a God then albeit a short one.

He's slightly taller than me!

Thing is I am v tall but I'm not ashamed of my height. I can't hide it. It's OK for him he's a bloke he doesn't feel self-conscious about it in the way I do after years of being taller than most women.

It sounds weird but I don't even notice my height anymore. There's so many tall girls now. But when he makes a thing of it it reminds me.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 26/07/2024 23:44

Sounds like negging, and my patience for him would have worn thin long ago. Though I'd be more inclined to respond along the lines of "there you go again" or even FO rather than engaging in the tit for tat games some pp are suggesting.

That aside, if you spent your time off assisting him with some work why is it then your job to make dinner? Sounds like there's more than one problem in your marriage.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:44

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2024 23:42

I cannot understand, at all, why you choose to stay married to this absolute dickhead. What a horrible example for your daughter. Life is far too short to be with someone who doesn't even pretend to like you.

You're right, I don't think he does like me. I always have my sixth sense on.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 26/07/2024 23:43

I take it he's a God then albeit a short one.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2024 23:42

I cannot understand, at all, why you choose to stay married to this absolute dickhead. What a horrible example for your daughter. Life is far too short to be with someone who doesn't even pretend to like you.

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/07/2024 23:42

How about a simple: I know you think you are helping but the constant rude criticism makes me feel disrespected. I have a hard time being intimate with you when I feel this way. Our daughter notices that you do this. It impacts her.

I know you don't want to set out criticize him. I'm not sure how else you are going get him to stop and give a think about doing the same to you.

cupcaske123 · 26/07/2024 23:41

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:40

"It's always better to wear a bit of make up"

[after returning from his own trip rock climbing abroad & me doing childcare for the week.] "Maybe you could take an exercise holiday, you've put on a little weight lately"

Yeah OP we get it, he's a rude arsehole.

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