Comments from DH on appearance

Don't let him push you into a corner- take up your space and own it
he sounds spiteful and jealous

I think it’s about time you started being really honest with him (he doesn’t sound sensitive at all so it shouldn’t be a problem)

You're way too sucessful for his liking @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze , you've been promoted, you have a book offer, so to keep you in your place he picks, and picks, at you. I notice it's always about your looks, he wants you to think he's the best you can get, he's deliberately wearing you down.
He won't change Op, in his mind he's doing nothing wrong

I'm struggling to understand what you love about him OP.

Loving someone doesn't mean that you make yourself small for him.

There is a difference to compromise in marriage, and making someone feel like shit to make yourself superior.

I don't think you should learn to block it out, and clearly he isn't going to change.

Very good.
In my case, off he'd fuck (or myself), however,
I'm 45 and no kids so it would be relatively easy.
Plonker.

I don’t think you need a comeback or a strategy. You’ve asked him to stop and he won’t so you need to decide if you want to carry on like this or not.

He sounds gaslighting and narcissistic.

Check out covert narcissism and see if that rings any bells.

What are his good points? Is he nicer when other people are around?

Agree with the house sale that now could be a good opportunity to separate.

And is there any chance he could be having an affair? Because that's when my ex ramped up his shitty (and critical) behaviour - I didn't see it coming but a few of my friends did.

I'm imagining he's no Brad Pitt. What a twat.

Next time you see him naked let out a big sigh and say you wish he had a bigger penis...

Okay - OP, I was in a very similar position to you. Similar age, similar length of time together and I also have ADHD.
You are not over sensitive. You are not making bad choices. This kind of behaviour will slowly chip away at your self-esteem and make you question your choices until you have no idea how you really are anymore.
You’ve talked to him numerous times. He won’t change. Don’t be fooled either - this isn’t about not being socially aware. This is intentional. He’s trying to keep you in your place. Even what seemed like a
compliment make me question it - like if I’d dressed up, he’d said ‘Oh, you look nice’ like he was surprised!
I ended my marriage a couple of years ago. Best thing I ever did. It took me some time to get my confidence back. I’ve also had to work on DD’s self-esteem. We have both blossomed away from him. I’m now in a lovely relationship with a guy who treats me well, he compliments me, he tells me I’m gorgeous, likes my outfits. It feels so very different. Took a long time to trust him. But even being single was so much better than being in such a horrible marriage.
Honestly, sounds like now is the ideal time to split. Do this for yourself and for your DD. He will do the same to her. You both deserve so much better.

You could try smiling brightly and saying "Thank you, darling!" And don't engage in any further discussion. I wouldn't let anyone see they were bothering me. Just close the comments down by strangling them at birth.

Would be a good time to live apart and maybe see if a relationship living separately will make him treat you nicely?
And if it doesn't, then it's easier to split because you've each got your own property
He sounds like he's deliberately horrible to you - what an awful way for you to live

I did actually think earlier that if I wanted a clean break now would be the time do it. The house is selling in a couple of weeks. We could get half of the proceeds each and go our separate ways. There'd be no big house & he wouldn't have access to discounted financial products through me.

Grab that opportunity with both hands. He's never going to get better, only worse. He is choosing over and over to make you feel crap. You are "tolerating" sex. No.

This is no future for you or your DD.

Anything but getting the hell away from him just prolongs the torture.

I am not sure you should miss this golden opportunity for a clean split with the house sale. Have a look at rentals/flats/whatever you’d do on your own and see if you feel freeer.
in the meantime, every time he says something, you pause, let it hang. Then say, yes. and? <pause> if you are pushed to it you just say calmly I couldn’t tell if you were trying I say something.
those shoes are tall.
yes. And?
i just said they’re tall for chrisssake!!
i couldn’t tell if you were trying to say something else. Yes, they are tall.
Walk away.

oh, and wear the nice sandals!

Stop trying to please him - forget his wants. They don’t matter and he’s a shit for telling you these things op. He sounds like he is resentful and controlling.

am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

No. He was the one crap choice 12(?) years ago.

And you are still choosing him.

It isn’t just him, and it isn’t just your marriage. You aren’t going to resolve this in just one thread on MumsNet.

You are talking about your whole life here. You are half way through it. Do you want to spend the rest of it listening to those sort of comments from him and questioning yourself?

You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. So you either have to choose to decide to live with him and accept his behaviour or choose to decide to live without him and find happiness.

Other people are right, if you are selling a house, it could be the perfect time to split up but equally, take the time that you need to decide this for yourself. Whether that is the time it takes to read this post or weeks or months. Try not to take years. You don’t deserve to be living unhappily with him for years.

I think you're making all kinds of excuses for him, listen to what people have written here. You have a young daughter to protect and the perfect timing to go your seperate ways instead of entangling your funds up again in another house. Also, there's no 'wrong' side of 40. 40 is young, do you want to be stuck with this dickhead the 'wrong' side of 50, or 60? He's jealous and doesn't respect you - get rid.

Gaslighting is where the abuser tries to make out you're mad.

Your love for the absolute bell end seems quite misplaced.

Does this specimen ejaculate diamonds? Because I can’t think of any other reason to overlook his vileness and keep him around. Even then, it’d be a stretch.

My father is like this, he comments on my mums weight, tells her she should still weigh 9stone like when they met, comments on her clothes, just generally criticism. And best believe he comments on me too, a favorite of mine was at Christmas he told me good job my husband likes rugby because I've gained weight and now look like a rugby player so much so he could hide behind me (I'm a size 12-14)

You need to nip this in the bud now before he starts on your daughter too.

oh op. You shouldn’t need to be working hard to disengage from mean comments — that is not how a loving relationship functions. There should not be any mean comments to begin with.