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Comments from DH on appearance

116 replies

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 22:29

A couple of weeks it was that he noticed I'd gained weight. Yep promotion at work and not been able to get out as much. I've rectified this by starting running club and fasting. I've been a lot healthier since, it was an adjustment with new role.

Helped him with a work issue this week during my own work breaks. Meant I didn't have time to sort dinner & put make up on before going to a kid's theatre show. Cue comment on my face with no make up on.

He'd also pissed me off by wanting to do buy new carpets on credit so he could take the money from house sale and put it in a savings account. He didn't explain this, was annoyed when I said I don't want ongoing credit agreement and that I should have known without him explaining it to me that he would want to put it in a savings account to earn interest.

Tonight I showed new sandals I bought. They are chunky and I am tall and then it was comments about their/my height. I don't see why I should exclusively only wear flats because I'm tall. I like the sandals but if I wear them his temperament will shift.

He's made me feel like a fat, ugly monster. And I'm not, I get hit on sometimes. His taste in clothes isn't always to my taste but I love him more and like his clothes because it's what he likes. If he was wearing something ridiculous I'd tell him, which is what he thinks he's doing to me but it's a couple of times a week - am I really making crap choices that frequently??!!

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CeruleanDive · 28/07/2024 21:28

I think DD can see it as well. She hugs me sometimes after his comments.

This is so damaging for your DD. And it it’s at complete odds with:

He’s a good father….

However much you manage not to react to him, or whatever strategies might seem potentially workable to you, nothing apart from separating from him will address that awful dynamic your DD is repeatedly put in. This is her blueprint for ‘normal’ adult relationships.

AvocadoDevil · 27/07/2024 21:11

When he implies you are tall, tell him he is short.
When he says you have gained weight tell him he is also overweight.
etc.

but basically he wants a little subservient doll of a wife…

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 20:29

I know that when he gets back I will want/try to get things back to normal than carry on with uncomfortability of conflict which will lead to discussions which will lead to things being temporarily OK. I hate things feeling tense.

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LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 20:26

Today I've been tired & run down. It's the double whammy of work and personal life at the moment.

He has a colleague visiting with his family from another country. He wanted for us to do something with them this morning.

I originally said yes to this morning with hesitation because I wanted to be supportive of him. It would have meant giving up my monthly volunteering morning which means a lot & has been sacrificed for family stuff lately. I considered it based on behaviour this week and my need to please & said no to him this morning (DH & DD went - he knew I was on the fence). Had such a good morning doing something solo. It requires a lot of effort (gardening) so it was good for me.

He wanted us to go for dinner with the family tonight, planned last minute. I was putting my make up on and just felt and looked shit. Got anxious at the comments he would make about how I look and didn't want to go out and pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. Told DH/DD to go without me. He wasn't concerned about me one bit just asked what my reasons were as we had arranged it earlier. I said I didn't have an answer for that as didn't want an argument.

I should feel bad at the drama of bailing at the last minute which is not like me (usually reliable) but don't tonight. Worried it's emotionally manipulative for me to behave like this in a 'public' way. Something has cracked inside me & I'm not going to keep supporting him and not getting the support back.

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AllProperTeaIsTheft · 27/07/2024 19:34

It sounds like he thinks he should be superior you (because he's a man,obvs), so he takes you down a peg or two when he can, to bolster his own self-esteem. You helping him with his work issue probably made him feel weak and emasculated, so instead of being grateful, he chipped away at you a bit to make himself feel like top dog again. What a pathetic creature. If you're not going to leave him, then you need to put him firmly in his place and make it clear that you will leave him if he doesn't stop this.

Hankunamatata · 27/07/2024 19:11

Your partner should lift you up not put you down. It sounds like you will never be good enough for him even though you are. It sounds exhausting

Skyrainlight · 27/07/2024 18:34

He sounds nasty and controlling.

Pumpkinpie1 · 27/07/2024 14:27

I don’t think you realise how poorly he is treating you OP. Your daughter however does…….
Would you really want her to be in a relationship where she is bullied and gaslighted ?
You are allowing to think being treated like ….. is all that a woman deserves.

Maray1967 · 27/07/2024 14:19

Lemonlily · 27/07/2024 00:09

My father is like this, he comments on my mums weight, tells her she should still weigh 9stone like when they met, comments on her clothes, just generally criticism. And best believe he comments on me too, a favorite of mine was at Christmas he told me good job my husband likes rugby because I've gained weight and now look like a rugby player so much so he could hide behind me (I'm a size 12-14)

You need to nip this in the bud now before he starts on your daughter too.

That’s very sad. What a vile man.

I know how lucky I am - but neither DF nor FIL ever behaved like this either. Both are very complimentary about MIL/ DSM.

greenwoodentablelegs · 27/07/2024 13:39

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze but if he is so nice to get sex…… then it is his choice to be a dick to you, it’s not your being sensitive. He chooses to do it.

yeah that is living with the enemy

Sunnydiary · 27/07/2024 12:45

The fact you are thinking about how this could be the perfect time to separate says it all really…

He sounds like a dick.

You sound awesome.

NoSnowdrop · 27/07/2024 12:42

He sounds horrible and no good father treats their child’s mother like this. Nasty piece of work. Stop engaging with him and putting him on a pedestal, he’s not worthy of you.

please think about what you want from life and for your child, he’s not going to change and I’d find the comments about weight and make up unforgivable.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 12:35

Comtesse · 27/07/2024 12:28

Tall poppy syndrome? Horrible if so - my husband is delighted if I am successful at something.

I think he does want good things for me but instantly reflects on his own stuff and projects like if he hasn't met one of his personal work targets.

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Comtesse · 27/07/2024 12:28

Tall poppy syndrome? Horrible if so - my husband is delighted if I am successful at something.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 12:24

MostlyHappyMummy · 27/07/2024 09:02

Would be a good time to live apart and maybe see if a relationship living separately will make him treat you nicely?
And if it doesn't, then it's easier to split because you've each got your own property
He sounds like he's deliberately horrible to you - what an awful way for you to live

Edited

This is it - it's like he doesn't like me sometimes. He wants me to have a good job, but not too good. He wants me to have hobbies, but not be too good at them. Traditional, maybe? Competitive? I don't know.

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LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 12:23

greenwoodentablelegs · 27/07/2024 10:02

So you work in banking, have been promoted, have got an agent for a book, are tall and gorgeous, adhd which probably makes you fun to be with.

and he went on rock climbing holiday - not one with you ?

to echo a pp - Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

and go see a solicitor to find out what would happen if you spilt. you have a chance now that is perfect.

maybe the shock of that will get your DH to stop being an unpleasant dick to you.

and the sex thing isn’t good. Sounds too much like you do it for him, what happens if you don’t? Sulking?

It's the reverse. He's a much nicer husband in the lead up and if he gets what he wants aka how he should be all the time.

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LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 12:21

Naunet · 27/07/2024 10:06

And do you have access to that account?

Yes I would because I would demand the profit on the interest go towards joint expenditure.

It was only when we applied for new mortgage he disclosed a salary increase. We pay proportionate but that needs to be recalculated if either of our salaries change.

He will do the right thing but I have to pull him up on it first.

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LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 27/07/2024 12:19

Cincin22 · 27/07/2024 10:15

Sorry you have to deal with this op.
My exh always had something to say about my appearance. I was size 6 when i met him in my 20s, and he told me i had cellulite. Then as time went on i gained weight (never, ever overweight) he told me i need to exercise 3 times a week, and that i could be the hottest mum out there, but i've let myself go.
Eventually I let him go! And now i do exercise 3+ times a week. Not to look hot for anyone, but because i like it! Never again! If i let another man walk into my life one day, the connection needs to be based on emotional connection and kindness. Not looks.

Kindness - so important.

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Cincin22 · 27/07/2024 10:15

Sorry you have to deal with this op.
My exh always had something to say about my appearance. I was size 6 when i met him in my 20s, and he told me i had cellulite. Then as time went on i gained weight (never, ever overweight) he told me i need to exercise 3 times a week, and that i could be the hottest mum out there, but i've let myself go.
Eventually I let him go! And now i do exercise 3+ times a week. Not to look hot for anyone, but because i like it! Never again! If i let another man walk into my life one day, the connection needs to be based on emotional connection and kindness. Not looks.

Notthatcatagain · 27/07/2024 10:15

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:30

I've said this and he says "yes please, do tell me". It's not in my nature. The stuff that gets me really cross is rudeness.

Then that's your answer, every time. 'Don't be so rude' and walk away, don't give him an opportunity to justify his remarks or debate them. You are not interested in why.

Sparklfairy · 27/07/2024 10:15

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 22:38

I'm sensitive though aren't I? It's the ultimate comeback. I can't say anything to you because you're sensitive.

Whether or not you were 'sensitive' (you aren't) - anyone would have to be an absolute blockhead to keep saying things that you know hurts their feelings.

Dragonfly97 · 27/07/2024 10:10

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 22:41

Agree. I can't make him respect me. He doesn't want to get it. He will say he should be able to say his opinion and maybe that's where we're just different personality types. No right/wrong.

Tell him to fuck off with the comments; if he gets offended, that's tough- he says what he wants, so do you 😏

Naunet · 27/07/2024 10:06

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 26/07/2024 23:55

100% it's always reversed on me.

Take the carpet shop example when I was hesitant to take out credit and he was mysteriously asking about it and getting annoyed when I was stressed. He had this plan he didn't share that we would take out 0% credit & pay it off instead of paying upfront with proceeds of house sale to put that money in an account to earn interest.

Not once did he say this when I was stressed/concerned about taking out a credit agreement.

His response: "You work at a bank, you should have figured it out"

And do you have access to that account?

Priggishsausagebore · 27/07/2024 10:05

Leave!! He's awful, abusive. Just get out.

greenwoodentablelegs · 27/07/2024 10:02

So you work in banking, have been promoted, have got an agent for a book, are tall and gorgeous, adhd which probably makes you fun to be with.

and he went on rock climbing holiday - not one with you ?

to echo a pp - Try reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

and go see a solicitor to find out what would happen if you spilt. you have a chance now that is perfect.

maybe the shock of that will get your DH to stop being an unpleasant dick to you.

and the sex thing isn’t good. Sounds too much like you do it for him, what happens if you don’t? Sulking?

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