To ask DH to not walk round the house with headphones in...

@wefly

its in no way the same thing!

what he's doing is rude & anti social. Ask him if he wants to be single? Because he's disengaging from you & the kids. If he's hoovering/washing the car/ whatever - fine. But coming home together from a night out & making dessert together etc it's just bloody rude & totally unacceptable

DH does this. Kids are adults so I can't say anything. I hate it but I would hate listening to his podcasts even more.

Small house so it's his way of getting space . I have started doing it too on the basis that if you can't beat them, you have to join them. Definitely a good way of getting through household drudgery. Got them on right now while emptying the dishwasher.

You describe our house.

I grew up in a household with sports, politics and news played out loud. Louder as the years went on and df got deafer. And interrupting was deeply discouraged, because it was live broadcast with no playback. I think there’s a lot to be said for AirPods and headphones.

I have adhd and use podcasts and music to push through the drudgery - sometimes I need to play podcasts at double speed to keep my brain busy enough. Other times I’m using them to create a sensory buffer like when I use them in the supermarket to block out musak, beeping, alarms, chatter, high pitched children squeals, crying, etc. it’s the difference between being exhausted by the errand and still functional.

But there’s also a time and a place. Do you think a respectful discussion about it is possible? Phones are also intrusive and it’s worth exploring that too. The fact that we’re using all this tech that are super stimuli is a serious challenge to human relationship and connection - it’s getting harder and harder to just be with each other, in quiet companionship without reaching for that high strength input of a quick scroll/game/newsfeed.

I think basically the problem is if he is genuinely doing this all the time, why does he get to have constant down time and you don’t OP? For me, the headphones is a desperate choice because I don’t get any actual quality quiet time. Can you both make sure you each get better quality chill time, so the headphones and scrolling can reduce? (In our family, the answer to that is no at the moment, - can’t take hours out of the day to chill when 3 kids need us - hence the headphones)

I'm a bit torn on this. My kids are older but when I'm cleaning or crocheting I always have a podcast on and if there is someone else in the house, or I want to do this in the garden , I put headphones in. I love murder and crime podcasts and I think its a bit antisocial to listen to them in the garden or earshot of others as the content can be not very nice.

I do kind of get what your oh is saying...its his way of relaxing and downtime. So I dont think its right to wear headphones if the kids are playing around the livingroom but if they are in their bedrooms and you're messing on your phone, I don't see an issue. He's choosing to do what relaxes him, just like you are. Unless you are happy for him to have what he wants to listen to without him using headphones?

He has found away to ignore his children and you.
You are the parent who is ON for your children.
Do you walk around the house looking at your phone unable to hear anything?
No?
Then his comparison is bullshit.
Awful for your children to be ignored.
He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, it is 100% deliberate.
You have a real problem and should take it very seriously.
I certainly would.

I do this a lot (few times a week) but will say to DH ‘I’m going to X task (usually cleaning kitchen!) and listen to a podcast because I need to be alone’ - how sad is that! - and it is annoying when people then come in and make inane comments to me when they know I am trying to zone out.

If the kids are trying to talk to me I absolutely whip the headphones off as agree it’s not ideal but really DH should have (and does usually) intercept them before they get to me.

And then I remind myself that my both parents often ignored me while they were reading the newspaper for example, which wasn’t scarring and at least my kids have a whole other parent literally on duty while I’m zoning out.

To be fair to DH he is taking them all out this morning so I can be alone and have some peace and get some work done, but other than that I haven’t been by myself for at least a month.

Would you complain if he had talksport on loud though?

🤣 I get this. I genuinely don't hear people if I'm reading a book

Is there any room for compromise? I wear one earphone so I can listen to podcasts whilst doing stuff around the house but I can still hear and engage with others at the same time. Most of the time they don't even know I am wearing it as it is hidden under my hair.

Why don't you both give up your phone and the headphones or have set times when you don't use them to connect

Yes I have a 2 year old. Why?

When I am using my phone I can hear and respond to things happening around me. If you talk to me or make a comment on something I will respond with your headphones on you can't do this I spend the day effectively alone and isolated only able to communicate if I touch you or stand in front of you. You make no effort to engage me in any conversation unless it's something practical like food. I'm left feeling alone.

Could you agree some times when you'll both stop?

I had this too.
YANBU. It’s like a physical barrier to communication plus they are designed to block out some external noise.

a phone when reading it is like a book, readily interrupted.

I find it really rude. And sending a message that you want your own space (fine) but all the time (not fine).

I'm the headphones person in our house. If everyone wants food prepared, toilets cleaned and washing hung out, they need to be prepared to accept that it will only get done by me if I have something to listen to😆

This! Women are meant to deal with kids asking for things I guess. The men get to listen to their podcast in peace.

I get like that when reading too, I wouldn't be trying to get immersed in a book at certain times though, dh gets immersed in a game on his phone in the same way as I get immersed in a book. He knows this about himself so he doesn't play the games he knows he gets fully immersed in situations where many would say is bad manners to be on phone. I do the same with books. I dont choose to pick up a book and fully immerse myself while eating with dh like the scenario OP gave,I think thats the difference.

I love to listen to audiobooks to clean or household chores or whole cooking. My kids are teens. Dh has a whole cob on about me wearing earphones while walking qorund the house doing the washing or cleaning. I tell him tough. I struggle with chores and helps time pass. If my kids were little I wouldn't have them in

My dh does this. I don't mind if l am otherwise engaged, reading or scrolling . But sometimes..say after dinner..l think we are chatting then l realise he has turned it on and l hate it. It's rude and ruins everything as the spontaneity is gone. When he says: hold on..so he can press pause it drives me crazy as l am not happy just to say my bit and then back it goes on again. We are either here together or we're not.
Also he misses conversations and then says..what's that about when it comes up later and l want to say..plug out and you will know what's going on.
My adult kids hate it too. Though they are a different generation they never have earphones in company..only dh!!
You have my sympathy!

You're both just going round in circles.

Nothing wrong with your DH spending time listening to his sports or you having a scroll through your phone, its when one thinks one's acceptable but the other isn't.

Either you both stop with the head phones/looking at the phone or you both stay attached to them.

While one/the other/or both are listening/looking/scrolling neither is fulling engaging with anyone.

When you are looking at your phone, if he says something to you, do you respond immediately or does he have to repeat it?

I listen to stuff almost constantly, but with only one earbud in so I can respond to other people as normal.

Oh dear lord id far rather have to prod my partner when he’s got his headphones on than listen to American politics / farage / whatever podcast he’s got going on at any given moment.
I just shove my nose in a book or mumsnet.
id love to chat about stuff that’s going on in the uk, but it’s never going to happen and frankly I’m not that interested

I know quite a people who have a podcast or something all day long and it's not an issue. I often have an audiobook or a podcast playing on mine, if I'm home alone I'll play it on the speaker but if not, I'll play one on my headphones while I'm pottering about or whatever and dd 19 has hers on all day.

He must be playing it really loud and in both ears if he can't hear you talking to him, does that mean he also can't hear children? I can hear dh and dd perfectly fine, I'm also able to hold a convo perfectly fine in the same I could do if the radio were playing on a speaker, dd only uses one AirPod at a time too, the people I know who use them a lot do the same.

Being able to hear, talk and engage with my family is what I give priority of my attention to, I make sure I can easily do that by keeping volume low and only have one earphone on, if I'm using headphones I keep one ear uncovered. If your husband isn't doing that it sounds like maybe your he is expecting it to be the other way and his talk sport is what he wants all his attention on, with you and the kids being the less important sounds to hear and engage with.

So I actually think you aren't unreasonable, he's actively trying to put all his attention on the talk sport and block his family out, it's different to you on your phone because you are not doing that and even when you are on it, you're not blocking your family household members.