To ask DH to not walk round the house with headphones in...

Hypercritical alert coming 📣 I find it infuriating when dd wears them in her bedroom, as it means I'm either having to bellow at the top of my voice (which must piss off the neighbours, and they must think I have a terrible relationship with dd, I don't!) or stomp upstairs (which does my loaf in, when I'm busy) I generally stomp upstairs when I know the neighbours are in!

See my mother did this. Yell at me when she wanted something and storm into my room when I couldn't hear her.

Sorry but what if someone did that to you? She's not a tiny kid if she's alone in her room with earbuds in. If you want her - go to her room to talk to her, don't just stand there and shout wherever you are in the house expecting her run to heel. You go to her room and find her.

Why do people think they're so important that they can just stand and bellow from wherever they are in the house for everyone to come running to them. Go and find the person you want to see. It's actually bloody rude to shout and expect everyone to jump to attention.

Hmmm I'm on the fence with this one. Generally I'm on my own in the kitchen, I used to have a radio on, but the reception was always an issue, the only spot I could put the radio was the one spot I needed access to, so the radio was constantly being moved and I'd miss chunks of a program.
I then used my mp3 player attached to a speaker, so I could listen to audio books, but the buggers kept nicking my aux or charging leads... grrrrrrrr!
In the end my lovely MIL gave me some blue tooth headphones, which I now use whenever I'm doing chores, as let's face it domestic duties aren't exactly fun!
The difference is, the minute dh or kids walk into the kitchen (or anywhere I'm working) I remove my headphones because I know they want to talk.
And yes I've been known to indulge in watching my own things on my tablet when dh and ds are watching sport, as I'm always the last to sit down and watch TV, by which time ds or dh have control of the controller! Sometimes the dc or dh have headphones to watch their programs on there gadgets as we generally all like different things.
Hypercritical alert coming 📣 I find it infuriating when dd wears them in her bedroom, as it means I'm either having to bellow at the top of my voice (which must piss off the neighbours, and they must think I have a terrible relationship with dd, I don't!) or stomp upstairs (which does my loaf in, when I'm busy) I generally stomp upstairs when I know the neighbours are in!

Sorry, I do this when cleaning and doing chores and cooking... I would NOT do this when sat on the sofa with someone etc

I hadn't RTFT

I think it’s incredibly disrespectful to the people you live with. Dedicated time doing a certain task and listening to a podcast or something fair enough, but walk around all day blocking out the family and isolating probably the one other adult around you is rude as fuck and opting out of family life.

I do this but only ever have one ear in. I participate fully and respond to people immediately.

Your DH is just rude

Aaagh I had this with an ex! Would watch sports on his phone with headphones in. The passing comment thing really resonates. Pointless arguments over a 'looks like a nice day out there' type comment.
They are not present and never in the moment. Then you feel silly because it being a nice day isn't conversation worthy, but you feel as though you're talking to yourself, and they are a piece of furniture.

It's awful. I sympathise, but don't have any answers. We split for a number of reasons and this was one of them. Not suggesting you do the same! Just sending solidarity x

On the one hand I can see your point, on the other I've been on the other side of it.

I loved having headphones on in my teenage years and older. It drove my mum crazy for the same reasons it does you. She was a lot more aggressive about it though. She had this thing where if she wanted me for something she would yell at me to come to her.
@
When I got to a certain age, mid / late teens I began to think if its that important come and find me to ask me rather than yelling. We lived in a flat so it isn't as if she'd have to walk far to find me. But no she yelled and yelled my name when she wanted me because she was too important to walk a few steps to my bedroom. If I had earphones and genuinely couldn't hear she would eventually burst through my bedroom door screaming at me.

She hated that if she made comments or said things I wouldn't hear her and she said it was like living with a zombie.

If I wore them in the street she would make a huge scene if I hadn't heard her and (they were still on a head band then) would grab the headphones band and drag them off me and say hello are you there.

I wasn't allowed to play my music put loud as she didn't like it and would make comments about it and to turn it down and that she didn't like it. She didn't like it if I wore headphones so what was I meant to do?

The other side of it is, you are asking someone to not do something they enjoy just because you want their full attention in case you want to say something to them. They have to be ready for what you have to say all the time.

Was I expected to provide entertainment to my mum and be ready constantly in case she wanted to talk about anything?

If he's doing it too much ask him to reduce it or perhaps to have one ear bud in so he can hear what's going on.

There's evidence that this sort of mundane communication is part of the glue that keeps a relationship together. Although I agree it can be annoying!

I love listening to audiobooks on my headphones when I am doing drudge jobs. It lifts doing the ironing, tidying up, cooking.
I feel really guilty at taking them in and out when my husband talks to me but he insists he doesn't mind and that he is pleased I have found a way of making jobs enjoyable.
It does come across on MN that men are not allowed to do anything but if a woman does it, it is ok.

I think that if you want him to give up his headphones then you need to give up your phone.

I think phone addicts don't realise how much their phone use affects others around them (I am one btw).

Agree to it for a month.

Slightly different as we don’t have young children but I have a tendency to do this and my husband finds it annoying. I like to listen to an audiobook while doing housework but then my husband walks in and wants to chat so I stop- fine. So I just stop listening and chat. What is really annoying though is when I’m listening to something and he just randomly interrupts me to say something like “bird in the garden” or “ho hum” meaning I can’t listen to my book but also neither of us is benefiting from me not listening to it.

This is VERY familiar @mirrorlife. I use my headphones to get me through the boring stuff. But DP has a tendency to say stuff out loud that I'm inclined to keep in my head, so I'm constantly pausing my audio book and saying 'Sorry, didn't hear that ...' and it turns out to be 'I wonder if I have any fuse wire'/'This bin is full' and other assorted mutterings. I'm fine with removing my headphones though, if there is something we need to discuss or just to have a general conversation.

Spare a thought for me OP. DP listens to Talk Sport and to football matches without headphones, so we are all subjected to that unique tinny, shouty timbre. It's like having your skull drilled. I think I'm quite considerate wearing headphones😅

I think people talking about wearing headphones sometimes are suggesting it as a compromise- rather than asking him never to do it, he could do it for limited periods and that might work for everyone.

It was exactly the same for my H. No point asking him anything as by the time he's paused it, and taken the headphones off I might as well have got the drink, the snack, found the toy etc.

I'm the headphone wearer in our household, not sure if the loud American political videos that DH watches sans headphones are any less annoying though. I tend use my earbuds maybe 3 times a week to listen to fairly quiet youtube videos with 1 earbud in although DH still gets annoyed that I'm supposedly not listening to him.

I think you need to agree on a time period when neither of you use phones or headphones, say two hours every weeknight and 5 hrs at the weekend.

I think a lot of people commenting have missed the fact that OP's DH always has his headphones in. Wearing them while you do the cooking/housework)gardening is not the same thing.

OP, my stbxh did this too. It made me feel like he had no interest in me or our relationship. I had to say everything 3 times, as the first time he didn't hear me at all, the second time he heard something and the third time he'd take the headphones off and listen, but by the time we'd gone through that little ritual again, I'd be annoyed, and in the end it just reduced our conversation to practically zero. I felt lonely within our relationship, and after trying to explain to him multiple times how I felt and him not changing, it contributed to my decision to leave him. It was a sign that our relationship had run it's course imo.

So I have no advice really. If you've told him how it makes you feel and he hasn't taken that on board and changed his habit then you are left to interpret that as you may.

Damn. I am probably guilty of burbling " There's a cat passing by." I am very chatty.

Slightly different as we don’t have young children but I have a tendency to do this and my husband finds it annoying. I like to listen to an audiobook while doing housework but then my husband walks in and wants to chat so I stop- fine. So I just stop listening and chat. What is really annoying though is when I’m listening to something and he just randomly interrupts me to say something like “bird in the garden” or “ho hum” meaning I can’t listen to my book but also neither of us is benefiting from me not listening to it.

So I have taken to announcing what I’m doing eg I am going to half an hour's ironing while listening to my book. And sticking to that and discouraging pointless interruptions. Then taking the AirPods out.

Would your husband be open to something like that? Listening properly for limited periods rather than just having it burbling away all day long?.

I think headphones are a real problem to be honest. Anyone constantly shutting themselves off from the world cannot be healthy and I think will lead to a lot of social anxieties for young people further down the line.
This is pretty obvious too about phones.
Both you and your DH need to be emotionally available for your DC and each other, otherwise this is going to massively impact on their development and relationships with you and others.
Have an agreement to both come off your distractions…..look and listen to each other.

If your DH was working from home and moved away from a desk for a call, I think that would be reasonable. Not to listen to the home of sporting misogyny, Talk Sport, or to avoid discussions/contact with you or your DC.

It’s this isn’t it?

as far as he’s concerned you are default parent and it’s your job to be aware of and respond to the children while he relaxes in man world free from concerning himself with them

This is just what I was going to suggest.
The sad thing now, is that phones, ipads etc all have the means to disconnect people from the real world. DH and I are constantly moaned at by our ACs for not checking our phones - why should we? Our lives are not dependent on carrying a little electronic device 24/7!
We see our GCs literally switch off from conversation and then usually fall asleep still plugged into whatever they are using. It is rude and off putting to see people disengage wherever they are - but humorous and sometimes dangerous when you see people so engrossed that they walk into lampposts or step out into the road because they are so disengaged.😆
DH and I are not dinosaurs, we both use PCs, laptops, kindles and mobile phones and only use headphones when it will interfere with the other persons enjoyment of the TV/Stereo/Radio if in the same room. It is possible to live with media in our lives but real interaction is so much more rewarding.

I think it's always going to be tricky when anyone does anything that shuts out the world when they are around people who might not unreasonably want to speak to them. It doesn't matter if it's headphones, the radio, a screen, a book or other print media.

Would your DH be willing to agree to set do not disturb times to listen on headphones rather than doing it all the time assuming you'll be the default parent? That would be more reasonable.

I agree with him it is the same as you looking at your phone. You’re disengaging from him by looking at your screen, I’m not sure how you think it’s better than his headphones.

He doesn’t want to communicate with you, he’s blocking you out.

No..no.no. I wouldn't accept this. He is ignoring you. Coming in and putting earphones in when you are sitting together is the definition of rude.