Granny telling my son to keep secrets

Another ageist post!!!!

@newtlover then you would be incredibly patronising and condescending.

They are their own person and their relationship with their grandparents, as long as it is not harming them is between them and their grandparents.

But small children don't have a relationship with their grandparents totally independent of the child's parents, though, do they? Not in practical terms. Because it requires at least one parent to facilitate that relationship – if the grandparents aren't willing to abide by reasonable requests, the end result might be that the parents choose not to see the grandparents as much…

@AvrielFinch yes I would tell GPs this if they had failed to understand it so far
if they won't listen and don't understand what else are you to do

There is something a little unpleasant and selfish about granny's behaviour. I am a grandmother and I feel instinctively that it would be wrong to buy endless toys if the parents have asked you not to, then worse to mention it is a secret. Granny is overbuying for her, in a way.

No. My grandparents would never have undermined my parents. We adored them and they made our childhood far better and richer than it would otherwise have been, but we were never spoiled.

My wise old Great Granny used to say 'you spoil your kids for other people to dislike them'. She was right.

Buying toys for kids does not spoil them . They are spoiled if they demand them , or they are used for bribery . They should also pack up and put their toys away after they have finished and appreciate whoever buys them anything. Pandering to their every whim where they feel entitled is spoiling . Of course , it’s the parents responsibility to not let this happen . The grandparents should have the same rules but buying him toys in itself is not the problem .

I'd have a brief word asking her to avoid using the term 'keeping secrets' as it's important that your child doesn't think it's okay fr adults to ask them to do this.

Otherwise leave it alone. You don't own your child. They are their own person and their relationship with their grandparents, as long as it is not harming them is between them and their grandparents.

You don't get to dictate what they do. You get to parent on your own terms but they are not parenting - it's a different relationship. They don't have to do discipline beyond their own house rules, which may be entirely different to your own.

Parents insisting on grandparents sticking to their rules seem to think that they are employees of some sort.

You would really say this to your parents or in laws? It sounds super patronising.
Mum this is what a secret means and this is what a surprise means?

If it's making him spoilt tell granny that he loves her because of the toys not for the quality time and suggest if she wants a meaningful connection with him to spend time with him not buy more and more shit

I don't agree but accept that grandparents get to a point their grand kids- provided all toys are at their house. The problem is the telling him to keep secrets from you- I would personally stop contact over than and have a serious serious conversation with grandparents and not allow contact again until they agreed and understand why it's not ok.

1. You have to be absolutely blunt with her that your family does not do secrets. If you can, find a story where a child was told by an abuser 'this is our secret'- ask, does she want to make her DGC at risk of this

1. the toys- she wants to buy them, great (well not great, but its her money)- they stay at her house for DGC to play with there.
2. The spoiling/expectation thing- explain this to her and then let her make her own mind up

you have no right to tell them what to buy in their own home, you do not get to control them on that .

I’d certainly explain to her that kids shouldn’t be taught to keep secrets - for their own safety.

But with the toys, maybe reassure her that she doesn’t need to buy his affection.

I had 2 sets of grandparents growing up. One set barely bought me anything, but taught me to play the piano and tennis and I had a great time with them. The other set bought loads of tat, and it was an attempt to make up for being unable to really connect. (That’s putting it kindly.)

The point about keeping secrets is in my view a non issue - in this case it is the grandparent buying toys, just the same as don't tell I ate this etc. Its taking the whole safeguarding too far.

It's nice that she wants to buy stuff for him to play with at her house. Whether that's ok or not depends on how often it is, at least that's how it would be for me. I presume that she is looking after him for you, otherwise there wouldn't be an opportunity for them to have secrets like this... If that's the case then maybe it's easier for her if he has lots to do there. Or maybe she just gets excited about seeing him excited.

Grandparents spoil children, but they generally don't end up spoilt. My children's grandmothers often had new stuff for them when we visited. They've grown up pretty ok. Some things they did annoyed me, I'm sure, but childhood is short and it's nice that he has a grandma who cares for him.

Yes grandparents are supposed to provide as much childcare as the parents want, even giving up their own jobs to do so. And while caring for the child, follow the many many rules laid down by the parents.

I agree with this totally.

MN thinks that grandparents get a free pass to absolutely disregard parents' wishes

You have to be joking @Biffbaff . It's the absolute opposite, if anything.

She will eventually find it rude and snap, but it will be of her own doing.

Agree with this but my god, what a waste of money too, no child needs a gift from granny every time.

I think that this is the right way to deal with it OP.

As for the poster who says that it's OK for a grandparent and child to have their secrets, sorry but you are SO wrong for saying that! Have you never heard of children being sexually abused by Grandfathers, not to mention other family members? Believe me, it happens, and more often than we'd like to think, but of course, it's just Grandad's little secret!!